Boxing Day

Front and centre:

Dear the Taliban,

How's it hanging? My name is Michael Balazo and I am a citizen of Canada. Usually I don't care much for your policies or tactics (e.g. poisoning that school for girls . . . whaaa?) but I am willing to put my prejudices aside and work with you if I can in any way assist you in capturing Canadian hockey icon and fashionista Don Cherry.

Mr. Cherry, or "Grape," as he is informally known, is currently in your area of the world flirting with Canadian soldiers. Here is what I'd like you to do: spare the soldiers and abduct "Grape." Once you've captured "Grape" and shuttled him to your outhouse-like headquarters, please do whatever you want with him. Seriously. Feel free to get creative, too. If you feel like rocking him or socking him, by all means, go for it, my brothers! You might also wish to consider tugging on his cravat and ass torture.

I speak for my countrymen when I say it would be a pleasure to see "Grape" scared out of his mind in a grainy hostage video on Al Jazeera. Another thing to consider: capturing and torturing "Grape" can only help to rehabilitate your notoriously cruddy image.

Wishing you a rockin' 2011,
Michael Balazo

Top: Gulliver's Travels and poker competition.

Bottom: Buy car for the sweetheart.

Summary: The cover photo reminds me of the time my grandmother posed with some lifeguards.

**** (out of 5)

14 December 2010

Front and centre: Sheesh. Yesterday we had a bullied disabled kid and today we have the weeping relative of a murder victim. Who's in charge of the Sun's covers these days––my depressed Slovak grandmother? I don't think I'm alone here when I say that the people of Toronto could use some razzle dazzle! (Or at least some pizzazz.)

Not to take away from the tragedy of this story, but what video, exactly, is the Sun offering here? Is it a murder?

The top: The Sun is encouraging its esteemed readership to storm City Hall and cheer on Rob Ford as he attempts to "crush" the city's $60 car registration tax (and not die of a massive, inevitable heart attack). Oh, to be part of that glorious mob! Just imagine the mind-bending sounds and smells! Just thinking about it makes me feel like destroying my genitals, once and for all! Also: with $40 million I could buy a new set of high-end balls.

Bottom: Who is DJing at the Arizona B-Bar & Grill on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Whoever he is, he must be really good to get such a killer weekend.

Summary: Tomorrow's cover had better not be a picture of my grandmother sighing.

* (out of 5)

13 December 2010

Front and centre: Wow! I know one ten-year-old bully who feels like a gigantic huge piece of crap today! And rightfully so. It's despicable when a powerful, mean spirited boy (or tabloid newspaper) exploits someone weaker to compensate for overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. This bodes well for us, though: if the Sun has a disabled child on the cover today, tomorrow's cover will likely feature the Hottest Woman in the World kissing a banana or buying sausages or something. These things work in cycles, sort of like civilizations and the popularity of ska.

On top: A Swears Woman is disappointed that no one is fixing up her ramshackle house. Also: a tiny man has won $15 million. Should he use his newfound wealth to fix the swearing woman's house and hire a contract killer to assassinate the ten-year-old bully? In addition: 32 pages of sports for us to deal with.

Beneath the boy: This is an X-ray of Santa's colon.

Summary: OK.

** (out of 5)

20 September 2010

Front and centre: Hey, remember that time we all elected my slob uncle as Mayor of our World Class City? It was a golden time for Hogtown (until we walled it off and bombed it). A lot of people forget exactly what Ford achieved in office, so I'll remind you!

ROB FORD'S MAYORAL ACHIEVEMENTS

• Established the annual Fat Guy Convention, which contributes over $20 billion to Toronto's slob-economy
• Created thousands of high-paying jobs for guys who forget about getting arrested for drunk driving in Florida on Valentine's Day in the 1990s
• Lowered taxes for people who get drunk at hockey games and yell until they get forcibly removed from the hockey games
• Opened a state-of-the-art, sound-proof concentration camp for gay guys and drug addicts (built with breathtaking efficiency by Orientals, who work like dogs and are slowly taking over)
• Ate all the glucose within the city limits in one sitting
• Ate all the children within the city limits in one sitting
• Smeared his own excrement along the city's bike lanes to create so-called "brown nightmares" for cyclists
• Learned to be a better father to Bart and a better husband to Marge
• Gave the key to the city to his drinking buddies
• Suffered a record-breaking 69 heart attacks while in office because he actually had no idea what he was doing
• Increased municipal spending on condiments by 58%
• Changed Toronto's name to "Calgary II"
• Made Mel Lastman look like Pierre Trudeau on a particularly witty day

The man's record speaks for itself.

On top of the abomination: The Argonauts beat the Bluebombers 17-13. Also: poker continues to fascinate.

Beneath the abomination: Country Style would like you to eat a breakfast sandwich and win a trip to Historic England. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's shittiest time machine!

Summary: Barf.

***** (out of 5)

12 August 2010

Front and centre: Oh, Dear Jesus. Is this Rob Ford's "O face?" Did the Sun actually put a picture of an ejaculating Rob Ford on the cover? (I hear that when Rob Ford ejaculates he emanates a sickly green aura.) But let's not jump to conclusions here. Perhaps he's merely being tazed or he's lost in a reverie about submerging himself in a swimming pool full of poutine and pie? That face is a physiognomist's nightmare! I've never seen so much quivering pink flesh in one place—and I'm not forgetting about the time I accidentally walked in on all my aunts changing into their bathing suits.

Incidentally, Rob Ford is outraged that city council has awarded an untendered contract to a restaurant company called "Tuggs Inc." Tuggs, everybody.

To the left: Today there's a special 12-page special on Argos cheerleaders, which is a nice antidote to seeing Rob Ford's corpulent face, my friends! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is at $50 million. Whoever wins the money should use it to build a gigantic veil to cover Rob Ford. Let's just say we're going to need a lot of fabric!

Beneath: An electropop band has decided to go shopping for eyeglasses. They're called The Worrywarts and their debut single "Weak Eyes/Strong Hearts" will be released on the last day of winter.

Summary: I think it's fair to say that today's picture of Rob Ford was not photoshopped.

***** (out of 5)

6 August 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is having a wonderful time denouncing Homegrown, a play about one of the "Toronto 18." (For those who don't remember, the Toronto 18 were a group of boys that wanted to blow up downtown Toronto, storm Parliament Hill and, most hilariously, behead Stephen Harper.) The woman on today's cover is the daughter of a 9/11 victim, and she didn't much care for Homegrown. Hmmm . . . Now that that's out of the way, I'm dying to know what she thinks of Legally Blonde The Musical. That show totally HIT HOME with me. I even let them take a picture of me frowning for the cover of Who Cares? Magazine.

Above: John Tory, the losing-est politician who ever lost

Bottom:

Summary: The best part is that no one who reads the Sun has ever actually seen a play.

(out of 5)

4 August 2010

Front and centre: A dying Roy Orbison impersonator raises her arms in exasperation after finding herself tangled in a lethal web of reusable shopping bags. Today the Sun is taking no prisoners in its assault on the 5¢ plastic bag fee charged by Toronto supermarkets and drug stores. Where, exactly, are all those nickels going? According to the Sun's exposé, the cash is being divided equally between Gay-Eco-Communists and Big Business. It's enough to make you envy the dead Roy Orbison woman—for her there's no more pain. Why, I'll bet she's up in Rock 'n' Roll Heaven right now, jamming away with Jimi and Michael Jackson to a filthy groove.

Also: the lottery jackpot is $7 million.

The top: A new Leger Marketing poll finds that a lot of Canadians think marijuana should be decriminalized or legalized and taxed. A huge surprise in a country that bases its national identity on a common love of donuts.

Beneath: We'd all better buy some life insurance, what with all these bag deaths we're having.

Summary: Am I the only one who got a phenomenal boner from looking at the cover?

**** (out of 5)

23 July 2010

Front and centre: A man and his son were removed from a flight for watching 9/11 footage on an iPod moments before their plane took off. I guess it wasn't an amazing idea? And I assume that "Call it ... SCARE CANADA" was something the mischievous pilot said over the plane's PA system to calm frightened passengers.

Top: There has been a lot of talk about Mike Weir lately. Is he washed up? Is he not washed up? Has he washed himself thoroughly, with soap and water? Who will wash Mike Weir? Dinner is ready to be served and Mike Weir is positively filthy from a long day's golfing.

Also: With the $50 million lottery jackpot, we could wash Mike Weir so beautifully he won't live to talk about it.

Bottom: Right now, if you buy a thing, you'll pay the same price as a thing salesman!

Summary: An interesting fact: Scare Canada is a real airline unaffiliated with Air Canada that offers bone-chilling flights to over thirty horrifying destinations sixty times a day. Mostly in Alberta. Calgary, to be specific.

*** (out of 5)

22 July 2010

Front and centre:

Left: A Candian soldier who killed a wounded Taliban soldier

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

21 July 2010

Front and centre: Yesterday's cover explored the darker side of toilets, but today we have the story of Toffee, a blind and abandoned beagle who's been adopted by a couple from Bradford. Very nice; everyone loves dogs. Yet the conspiracy theorist in me can't help thinking that Toffee's adorable story is simply a smokescreen meant to distract us from the horrors of Timmins.

Top: More bad news from Afghanistan. Also: lottery tickets.

Bottom: There's an exciting sale on swimming pools right now. I hope our friend from Timmins doesn't find out. He's always putting food in kooky places and making me furious!

Summary: If a blind, homeless human had been found on the street, the Sun would have demanded the death penalty.

** (out of 5)

20 July 2010

Front and centre: In today's news, a grown man holds his nose because of a poo smell in the run-down Kew Beach public washroom. Judging by the man's over-the-top clowning, the poo smell must be apocalyptic—I'm thinking Level 4 Burrito, Family Edition? The Sun actually dispatched a professional photographer to Kew Beach to take pictures of sad toilets (hey, even Annie Leibovitz had to start somewhere). Call me a septic skeptic, but I think our friend on the cover is trying to pass the buck. As the Bible says, "Whoever smelt it dealt it on Kew Beach."

Astonishingly, this is only one of two toilet-related stories in today's Sun.

Top: Ontario's Environment Minister John Gerretsen is going to scrap the controversial eco-fee program that was making everyone poo their pants. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is $50 million with $26 million in Maxmillions. With that kind of money, we could start a dedicated toilet-themed newspaper that focuses on the toilet stories you won't hear about in the Liberal media.

Bottom: You wanna see a pristine toilet? Do yourself a favour and head for the washrooms at the Arizona Bar & Grill. It's like shitting on a princess.

Summary: Aside from the poo smell, I also smell something else: a Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting!

**** (out of 5)

BONUS:

Today's Sun Reader Comment of the Day prize goes to someone named Welcome to the Socialist Paradise of Torontograd:

"If only the poor people would rise up and defeat their masters, we would have clean washrooms."

Gandhi couldn't have said it better himself.

19 July 2010

Front and centre: The fluid is positively flying today as Honda Indy winner Will Power (left) and third-placer Ryan Hunter-Reay jizzblast champagne onto each others' bodies in the spirit of sportsmanship. Power is clearly enjoying the ejaculatory sensation, while Hunter-Reay seems alarmed, as if he's the victim of an unplanned orgasm. (He just needs a bit of practice, is all.)

Also: A voyeuristic lottery winner takes in all the action from his terrible perch in the top-right corner of the page. Lock him up and throw away the thing!

Beneath: Cool off with Summer Chill? How dare you tell me how to live my life. I'm going to cool down the way I always have: by sticking my feet in a tub of gelato.

Summary: Today's cover is the first in a proposed series of Sun covers featuring grown men splashing, squirting and drizzling on each other.

*** (out of 5)

16 July 2010

Front and centre: It's been a while since the Sun put a sex offender on the cover, and I was beginning to fear we'd never have the chance to gaze safely into a Violent Pervert's eyes again. My fears were unfounded! Today's V.P. is the guy accused of assaulting a woman in a Scarborough cemetery earlier this week. He looks like Steve Nash after a year-long crystal meth binge, but I doubt he has any skills on the court! Have you seen Steve Nash in action, my friend? He doesn't waste his time skulking around cemeteries with an erection—he practices basketball, soft as a marshmallow. Anyway . . . it seems that the V.P. told his "pal" that he got up to no good in the cemetery. Oh, boys and their secrets!

Atop the pervert: The Honda Indy (a.k.a. The Roar by the Shore) is here until Sunday—no perverts allowed! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $50 million. Is it fair to say that rich people are dollar perverts?

Beneath the pervert: You say I can buy a truck at the employee rate? How dare you, sir. As if I would work for your ridiculous car company. Don't you know I have a degree in Casual Science?

Summary: I don't know why there are black lines running down the centre of the cover.

*** (out of 5)

15 July 2010

Front and centre: At first glance I thought today's cover was about two old friends preparing to dismember a corpse (why is the hairy friend carrying a saw?). Then I thought it might be about a marijuana bust. Wrong and wrong. Our two friends in special suits are literally doing some weeding. Apparently, Toronto is under siege by something called giant hogweed, and if you touch its sap you can get burned, go blind or turn into a Fiberal. And, yes, the WEED WHACKERS article contains several phenomenal masturbation puns.

Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is $50 million.

Left of the men: Gentlemen, turn on the cars now! The Honda Indy is coming to town.

Bellow:

SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: At last we find ourselves alone.
FAKE HARRY POTTER: Ha ha. I'm not supposed to . . . spend time with you.
SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: Remove my sunglasses, boy.
FAKE HARRY POTTER: Umm . . . .
SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: DO IT.

Fake Harry Potter removes her sunglasses.

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Ach! That's disgusting. You've got . . . guy eyes!
SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: And you have the soul of a little girl.

Summary: I'm no Garden King, but I'm 99% sure that Hairy Friend isn't wearing his face mask correctly. He looks like a prototype for a muppet that Jim Henson never loved!

** (out of 5)

13 July 2010

Front and centre: Former Leafs captain Rob Ramage is going to jail for four years. So, what did he do that was so wrong? He's guilty of the "crime" of partying too hard in his car. He partied so hard in his car that his friend passed away and everyone got angry at him. Pathetic. This is just another sad example of Toronto's fun-hating, "live to work" culture.

Top: You're telling me I can meet my 2010 Toronto Argonauts today? But, I'm not ready! I haven't a thing to wear and the ice box is empty. Quick—go get some Italian pizza pies while I put on my football skirts! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is at $50 million, which is the same amount most CFL players make each year.

Bottom: Things around the Arizona Bar & Grill have been awful quiet ever since the World Cup ended. Anyone mind if I busk? To break the silence? Fine, I get it. But next time you need to hear a bunch of Sublime covers don't come running to me, fuckfaces.

Summary: Rob Ramage used to be imprisoned by his moustache. Now he's imprisoned by a prison.

* (out of 5)

12 July 2010

Front and centre: Hundreds of Spanish noblemen (and their charming wives) expressed their joy over Spain's World Cup victory yesterday by shutting down College Street to perform a traditional Spanish dance atop a moving streetcar. Spanish legend says that whoever survives the long, arduous trip to the fabled Main Street Station is appointed Duke of Seville by His Majesty the King. This is a very powerful post, for whoever controls Seville's port controls Seville!

Amazingly, the police didn't fire tear gas at the crowd or smash anyone's faces with truncheons, signalling an alarming sea change in Toronto policing tactics.

On top: Angelina Jolie has celebrated Spain's World Cup win by acting in a new movie about salt. Also: a tiny man has won a $1 million lottery jackpot. Do they even make tuxedos that small?

Below: Broadening your horizons by eating Thai food at Country Style is like trying to learn a new language by watching foreign pornography: it's not satisfying and it might give you diarrhea all over my couch.

Summary: I'm disappointed that the Sun didn't use a better play on words for the headline here. Surely SPAIN REIGNS MAINLY IN THE GAME or CAFE CON CUCKOO! or WE ARE THE CHAMPIONTH! would have been more dynamic?

** (out of 5)

9 July 2010

Front and centre: Why is a middle-aged drag queen fondling his crotch on the front of my newspaper? Is he mentally ill or under the influence of beer? No. The he is actually a she, and she's touching herself because Toronto is hosting a Cougar Convention this weekend at Tattoo Rock Parlour. One lucky woman will be crowned Ms. Cougar Canada, win a trip to a Jamaican spa and a ticket aboard something called the International Cougar Cruise to the Bahamas. Very fun. It'll be just like a regular beauty pageant, except all the contestants' parents are dead.

On Top of This Woman: The Lotto Max jackpot is $43 million. If I win, I will buy myself the Ms. Cougar Canada crown, stage a coup and rule the nation as a brutal, gender-bending dictator.

Below This Woman: You know, a cougar's a lot like a yellow car: they're both shiny, they both need gas, and they both like having casual sex with younger men.

Summary: This weekend Toronto will be Cougar Town, which is a nice upgrade from our usual nickname, Scat Freak City.

**** (out of 5)

8 July 2010

Front and centre: Chris Bosh is packing up his basketball, shorts and jersey and moving to Miami to play for the Heat. Also: it's going to be Spain and the Netherlands in Sunday's World Cup final.

Top: Jimmy Carter has been picked as Canada's next Governor General, replacing Michaelle Jean and her wanker husband. Also:

Bottom:

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: Would you like to gaze into my pupils, young boy?

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Umm, I really shouldn't. I 'm supposed to meet some friends and hang out near a tree we love.

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: Gaze into my pupils and fuck your friends.

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Huh?

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: I'm taking my glasses off now.

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Wow. You've got really weird eyes.

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: I know. With my eyes and your hands we could be famous!

FAKE HARRY POTTER:

Summary:

(out of 5)

7 July 2010

Front and centre: Hooray! WANKER! WANKER! right beneath the Queen! What's happening here? Have Irish rebels seized control of the Toronto Sun and insulted the British Monarchy? Sadly, no. The wanker in question is not Her Majesty The Queen, but Jean-Daniel Lafond, the Governor General's "hubby." Lafond (a French Canadian Larry David lookalike) has caused a stir because he didn't want the Queen staying at Rideau Hall while she was in Ottawa last week. I sympathize with Lafond's reluctance to let the Queen sleep in his house: Ma'am doesn't do the dishes, she gives you bedbugs and she leaves a revolting trail of used condoms and lube spills around the house, as if she were Billy in a hellish Family Circus "dotted-line" comic strip. Who needs the headache? In the end, the Queen stayed at Rideau Hall anyway. The building is currently being fumigated and the floor is being replaced.

NOTE: Today's WANKER! story is an exclusive, as the banner in the upper right-hand corner makes clear. No other newspaper will be covering this WANKER! story today.

To the left of WANKER!: A Dutch prostitute wields a vuvuzela to celebrate the Netherlands' 3-2 victory over Uruguay yesterday. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $43 million. With money like that, you could take all the hookers in Holland on a date.

Beneath WANKER!: An ad for swimming pools. Speaking of swimming pools, you don't want to know what the Governor General and her husband found floating in their pool after the Queen used it. Propriety forbids me from going into too much detail, but I can at least confirm it was in the turd family....

Summary: This cover is so good you could eat off of it.

******* (out of 5)

8 July 2010

Front and centre: A disappointed businessman with a moustache stares through a smashed window in the wake of the G20 summit. The summit was a disaster for local businesses because—believe it or not—the army of riot police guarding the downtown core made everyone afraid to buy dinner and shoes. Personally, I chose to wear plastic bags on my feet rather than face their wrath. Does that make me weird? I'm surprised the Sun didn't use a picture of a buxom woman standing on a burning ATM to make a humorous visual pun on the word "BU$T."

Top: Former Detroit Redwinger Bob Probert has died. He also appears to be laughing at the disappointed businessman below. Did Probert break the window? It's not for me to say, but he was known as a tough guy.... Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is $43 million. It's so hot outside that I don't even care about money anymore.

Bottom: Today, when you go to the Arizona Bar & Grill to watch the World Cup game, you may notice a man standing just beyond the boundaries of the patio, his body painted in the glorious colours of the flag of Uruguay. That man is me. And he's not allowed to sit on the patio because the "management" thinks he's "nude."

Summary: I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's always nice to see a moustache on the front of your newspaper.

** (out of 5)

5 July 2010

Front and centre: The Queen of Scotland was in town over the weekend to go to church and watch a horse race with some old college buddies. Ma'am also found time to attend several Pride events, sparking more "is she or isn't she?" rumours. My sources tell me that Thin Lizzy was spotted stumbling around the free Cyndi Lauper concert on Saturday (bombed out of her mind on cider), before making a scandalous visit to the Beef Ball and buying a round of double-ended rubber fists for anyone lucky enough to be at the Priape when she burst through its hallowed doors. Call me old fashioned, but I love the Queen of Scotland!

On Top Of Her Majesty The Queen: For some reason, the Sun has framed this year's Gay Pride parade as a dress rehearsal for a Leafs Stanley Cup victory parade. Ridiculous. A genuine Leafs victory parade would feature far more sodomy.

Beneath Her Majesty The Queen: Eating a Thai chicken wrap at Country Style is just like visiting Thailand . . . if Thailand were full of fat white people on mobility scooters.

Summary: I am pleased to present a random sampling of Sun readers' comments on the topic of Gay Pride. (Note: I take no responsibility for the parade of spelling and grammatical atrocities you are about to witness.) Here we go:

"Is buggery not still a crime?"

"Our law enforcement officers were forced to endue and join this parade, dedicated to pagan ritual ,body worship, sexual depravity,ignorance,diabolical servitude, and abandonment of self worth. I have grave concerns about the permissiveness our city ,provincial, and federal governments have permitted over these past 50 years. Gratuitous living is not healthy."

"We celebrate buggery but can't muster the same effort to celebrate our contry. The priorities in Toronto have gone so far astray that they can't possibly be taken seriously any longer."

"What's worse are some people brought children to this event to see a bunch of people walking down the street naked. To me, that's a form of child abuse. They should be charged. The children will be scarred for life."

"Makes you really want to visit the Toronto cesspool. Maybe the Management of the Sky Dome or Rogers center (whatever you call it these days) could host a gay ball game. Looks like there is lots of degenerates in the city that would go watch it. Just think of the money they could make and utilize an otherwise empty stadium. The umpires would have to be the BUTCHES , Bats could be in the shape of you know anything these fags want to stick in their openings. Come on Toronto lets come up with some ideas for a gay baseball game."

Tremendous!

* (out of 5)

28 June 2010

Front and centre: Well, would you look at that! It's not every day that the cover of the Sun resembles a classic Dead Kennedys album cover. The Sun must have had a non-stop leaky boner over the weekend as life in Toronto became a li'l bit topsy-turvy and police arrested everyone in the city. I just wish that the Sun had created some sort of mini-site to document the G20 summit. Oh, wait: they did! And it's called torontosun.com/chaos which gives an indication of how eager they were for things to get 'nuff retarded.

Unsurprisingly, the Sun was indignant over the destruction of private property—especially when buxom women were effected:

"Starbucks, Swiss Chalet, American Apparel, Money Mart, all the major banks, TTC streetcars stalled by the protest, media vehicles, and the Zanzibar Tavern and its G-String Summit were all trashed."

Not in my name, Black Bloc!

Top: Now that Wind has struck out on his own and started a telecommunications company, I wonder what Earth and Fire will do with the rest of their lives? I certainly hope they continue playing funk! Also: a lottery winner holds up a thing.

The bottom: This may not have been the best day to put a car ad on the cover.

Summary: I hope Naomi Klein's next book explains the nefarious workings of the G-String Summit.

**** (out of 5)


UPDATE:

At this moment: The Sun is denouncing G20 protesters by quoting a line from Tom Petty's Into the Great Wide Open. Brutal sassing like this ought to make everyone think twice about exercising their democratic rights. I'm just glad the Sun didn't go completely nuts and call anyone a nincompoop or a ding-dong; I don't want anyone to get killed.

23 June 2010

Front and centre: Just looking at this man's shitface for a split second makes my penis retract so violently inside my body that it takes a team of surgeons—and a sorceress—to reach in and pull the darn thing out again. He'd better not steal my table at Sneaky Dee's while he's in town!

On the top: In a lot of ways, the Greek soccer team's story is as tragic as the downfall of Oedipus: the team had sex with its mother, killed its father and lost to Argentina yesterday at the World Cup. Just like Oedipus. Also: how come no one wants to win the $50 million Lotto Max jackpot? Does the jackpot smell funny? What's wrong with the jackpot?

On the bottom: Should I spend $135,000 to live in a condo in Collingwood? Certainly! Did I happen to mention that I'm retarded?

Summary: I wonder if Stephen Harper and Yo-Yo Ma will reunite to perform another duet during the G20 summit? If not, there will be riots in the streets.

* (out of 5)

22 June 2010

Front and centre: HOT STUFF! Today's cover is for all the ladies out there with a fetish for exhausted bald men sleeping in boxes. I mean . . . YOWZA! I'd try this look myself, but I don't own a mailbag or elegant shorts. RING-A-DING-DING! Am I right, ladies?

The left: The World Cup continues in South Africa. Also: Too Many Cops Week is about to kick off in Toronto. I'm willing to be teargassed and have my nose broken as long as Argentina and Japan learn to put their differences aside and agree to be buddies again. Then: a tiny woman has won the lottery. Now she can afford to get as big as she wants.

The bottom: I wonder what's more violent: watching the World Cup at the Arizona Bar & Grill or watching it in South Africa?

Summary: If you look at the picture of the "postie" from the correct angle, you can totally see the penis happen.

**** (out of 5)

18 June 2010

Front and centre: This is the guy who scared mayoral candidate Rob Ford so much that he promised to score him drugs. I don't blame Rob Ford for acting as he did: that blue bathrobe is terrifying. I hope Rob Ford is OK. I will give my life to protect Rob Ford.

Left: Mexico beat France 2-0 in yesterday's World Cup match. In an unrelated story, I chose to eat Mexican food over French food last night. So, in a way, my digestive system mirrors the World Cup. I even keep a vuvuzela beside the toilet so I can get into the spirit of things when I "score a goal." Also: I am willing to marry whoever wins the $50 million Lotto Max jackpot, provided they are 1) a total babe, 2) a drummer and 3) a van owner. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm looking for a girl with wheels to join my awful band. Or a guy.

The Bottom: The GMC Right Truck Event is here. Just like the Mayans predicted.

Summary: An interesting coincidence: I have the words I'M NO THREAT tattooed on the back of my neck. I understand that it makes young women feel safe.

** (out of 5)

17 June 2010

Front and centre: Is this a bust of Frankenstein? No, it's mayoral candidate and frequent snacker Rob Ford, and he's been caught on tape offering to buy an HIV positive man OxyContin. It's unclear if he was just humouring the man or if he was serious. Either way, the incident led to this amazing Ford quote:

“I don’t know any drug dealers ... I don’t even know what this shit — that what’s I call drugs — this shit is."

Based on that quote, I've come up with what I feel is a killer campaign slogan: "VOTE ROB FORD. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT IS."

Top: A soccer man celebrates life. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $50 million. With that kind of dough Rob Ford could score enough shit for everyone in Toronto.

Bottom: I heard a rumour that the Scandinavian Ice Goddess and False Harry Potter were caught doing it in the washroom at Hakim Optical the other day. Old Man Hakim was so angry that he exiled them to LensCrafters. Not cool.

Summary: My Christ, look at Rob Ford's face! I've never seen so much pink flesh in my life, and I grew up on a pig farm full of pigs.

*** (out of 5)

16 June 2010

Front and centre: Culture shock, indeed! A father and son have been convicted of murdering their 16-year-old daughter/sister in a brutal honour killing. As cartoon characters go, they're not nearly as fun-loving as the ones in Blondie.

Top: Ooh. The Sun is planning to launch a Fox News-style national TV news network in 2011 to "shake up" Canadian news broadcasting. Finally, my handsome racist uncle has a chance to launch his journalism career. Godspeed, uncle Giorgio! Also: we all know that Lotto Max has a $50 million jackpot, but what can you tell me about Lotto Mel? As in, Brooks?

Bottom: Foot pain? Knee joint or back pain? Call this number and Mel Brooks will heal you with his ancient funny hands.

Summary: The judge is wearing an elegant pink tie.

*** (out of 5)

15 June 2010

Front and centre: Once again, the Sun is accusing outgoing city councillor Kyle Rae of ostentatiously wasting taxpayers' money like some sort of disdainful goateed King. So, what dirt do they have on old Greedy Guts this time? Like a hog eating from a trough, Rae is planning to gorge himself on a trip to the... International AIDS Conference in Vienna. AIDS Conference? More like "Lap of Luxury Conference!" Have you ever seen an AIDS conference? They're basically gourmet raves, except that instead of a bunch of people dancing, a bunch of virologists try to cure the worst plague of our time.

Shockingly, city councillor Rob Ford is against Rae's trip. According to the Sun, the obese, buzzcutted mayoral candidate "doesn’t believe Rae’s attendance at the conference will benefit the city one iota and bets the councillor will not come back with any sort of report to council on what he learned there."

So, there we have it: the fight to cure AIDS doesn't benefit the city one iota. Good to know.

Left: Dion Phaneuf is the new Leafs captain. Also: a model from Toronto is so F.I.N.E. that she made England's goalie lose his mind at the World Cup. Plus: if I had $50 million right now, I'd buy name-brand ice cream for the rest of my life.

Beneath: The patio is now open at the Arizona Bar & Grill. The best part: the outdoor bidet.

Summary: There'd better be some bikinis on tomorrow's cover.

** (out of 5)

14 June 2010

Front and centre: Today a pretty lady is upset and things are serious. The lady in question has been kicked out of the Miss Universe Canada competition for appearing naked in an Ashley Madison ad last year, contravening the pageant's "no nudity" rule. The rule clearly states that no one is allowed to know what Miss Universe Canada's genitals look like until after the competition, or else the Universe will implode and God will be bummed forever.

Left: Germany may have humiliated Australia in yesterday's soccer match, but Australia is still kicking Germany's ass in the Dame department. Also: I am glad this tiny woman won $5.8 million. She is basically as small as a pea.

Bottom: New at Country Style: a sandwich that suits every kind of depression.

Summary: I'd like this woman to appear naked in an ad for Country Style.

** (out of 5)

11 June 2010

Front and centre: A soccer fan goes absolutely bonkers as the World Cup kicks off in South Africa. So, how "cup crazy" am I? According to the team of psychiatrists and dentists in charge of my brain, my mind is on the verge of collapsing from acute Cup Craziness, the bizarre soccer-related mental illness that runs in my family. How does Cup Craziness work? Basically, if any team scores a goal, I will become nuts, stop bathing and have no choice but to begin a new career as a homicidal deviant with Superhuman strength ("reverse Superman with a boner" is how my medical staff describe it). Other celebrities suffering from Cup Craziness include legendary reggae producer Lee "Scratch" Perry and Liza Minnelli.

The top: An ageing satyr harasses a beauty queen in the name of journalism. Also: $50 million? It looks like this week's Lotto Max is the World Cup of Money! Go Slovakia!

The bottom: Great Deal Days are here, or whatever.

Summary: Party weekend! To quote the Black Eyed Peas, "Let's get retarded! Let's get retarded, my friends!"

** (out of 5)

10 June 2010

Front and centre: Unbelievable! Last night, the Chicago Blackhawks won their first Stanley Cup in 49 years. You heard it here first, everybody: the Curse of the Bambino is over!

On the right: The best part of today's 48-page World Cup preview is the Hooligan Horoscope. I'm an Aries, and according to these astrologists, my future holds a "massive shitkicking." Also: if I win the $50 million jackpot, I will buy myself a kitchen garbage can. I really need one.

On the bottom: A Ray Charles impersonator tries to seduce False Harry Potter. Don't give in, False Harry Potter! He'll just sell your glasses for heroin.

Summary: SCREAMING BEARD!

** (out of 5)

9 June 2010

Front and centre: For the second day in a row, the Sun has excoriated Kyle Rae for throwing himself a retirement party paid for by TAXPAYERS (i.e. his impoverished Rosedale constituents). I am against this because it is the worst.

Top: In other news . . . let's all think of silly names for Stephen Harper's $2 million fake lake built especially for the G20 summit (which will cost an additional $1 billion in security)! This is an excellent, non-gay, use of tax dollars. Shame on Kyle Rae. Also: With a $50 million lottery win, we could build fake lakes all across Africa to improve women's health like crazy.

Bottom: Soccer clothes now.

Summary: If Kyle Rae has any sense of honour, he will drown himself in the fake lake and go to Hell (on his own dime).

** (out of 5)

8 June 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is furious that a wealthy gay man dined at a fancy restaurant. How could this have happened in our city? I was brought up to believe that gay guys loved eating junk food at retirement parties and I'll be damned if city councillor Kyle Rae will destroy my Precious Reality.

Left: On the opposite end of the culinary spectrum, a woman has landed herself in hot water for serving her child an illegal meal of cocaine. And I thought I was a bad cook! Also: The Lotto Max jackpot is up to $50 million. If I win it, I'm taking Kyle Rae and all the gay guys in Toronto to Popeyes for the best gay meal of their gay lives.

Beneath all the things: I can't wait to see how many world leaders I run into at the Arizona Bar & Grill during the G20 summit!

Summary: I'm hungry.

** (out of 5)

7 June 2010

Front and centre: A mysterious couple has bailed Larry David out of jail. Let's hope he can put this nasty episode behind him and get back to work on Curb!

Top: Chicago beat a team from Philadelphia 7-4 in last night's hockey game. Also: with $5.8 million, we could bail out the entire cast of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Down: On a hot day, there's nothing like dumping a nice, cold Summer Chill all over your body or the bodies of your friends.

Summary: Like squeezing blood from a shitty stone.

* (out of 5)

4 June 2010

Front and centre: Two old men are president and general manager of the Maple Leafs

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

3 June 2010

Front and centre: A man makes a halfhearted "ta-da!" gesture in front of a row dumpsters. Is this a promotional picture for an intriguing new Fringe show that's setting tongues a-wagging? No! This man is the executive director of the Greater Toronto Apartment Association, and he's happy that the city is reducing garbage collection rates for apartments and condos. Maybe he can hammer out a script over the next year for the 2011 Fringe? It can be called "Garbage Boys!" and it can use garbage collection as a metaphor for Glee.

Left: The Flyers beat the Blackhawks 4-3 last night. Also: if I win the $50 million jackpot, I'm going to go on the biggest Fringe Binge in history.

On the bottom: A Scandinavian Ice Queen tries to use discount glasses as a pretext for seducing False Harry Potter. Good luck, sister!

Summary: I've seen better Annex Gleaner covers.

* (out of 5)

2 June 2010

Front and centre:

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

1 June 2010

Front and centre: Oops! Someone accidentally published the lyrics to a Cannibal Corpse song on the cover of the newspaper. Also, I'm interested to know how most Sun readers will pronounce the word "macabre." Terrifying.

Top: Chicago's hockey team defeated the one from Philadelphia. Plus: With $50 million, we could build a Freezer Baby Dad for Freezer Baby Mom.

The bottom: My appetite is positively on fire.

Summary: Coincidentally, Freezer Baby Mom was the name of my band in high school.

***** (out of 5)

31 May 2010

Vixens: A babe wielding a ball attacks her chesty colleague in the ocean. Fact: if you stare at this cover long enough THEY WILL MAKE OUT!

Left: A man with the worst breasts in history has won $1.8 million.

Beneath: It's going to take a boatload of Summer Chills to cool me off after getting an eyeful of these Aquatic Sex Champions!!!

Summary: Today is going to be Buxom with a fatal chance of Sexiness. The city's Boner Police certainly have their work cut out for them today.

***** (out of 5)

28 May 2010

Front and centre: A woman rewards her son with a hug after he kicked a would-be kidnapper in the nuts. Gee, where have I seen this before?

To the left: Paul Henderson's jersey from the 1972 Canada-Russia Summit Series is up for auction online, but he wants it to go to Canada's Sports Hall of Fame. It's a classic story of commerce vs. history; a story that inspired a Sun reader named "brad" to post the following comment, notable for its magical, illiterate combination of vitriol and goodwill:

"hey joe im tired of hendersons whining he wants it that bad never should have given it away suck it up and buy it back that bible thumper should shut the fuck up hes a girl hope he beats cancer though"

Read it again!

Beneath: GMC's Right Truck Event is back. This is your chance to find the truck of your dreams and marry him.

Summary: "hes a girl hope he beats cancer though" I'm sure Paul Henderson can feel those good vibes swearing their way toward him.

** (out of 5)

27 May 2010

Front and centre: I think that today's cover would have been more successful if the the Sun had simply mentioned the dead mobster's race. Do you know what I mean? They never fail to mention race in other headlines (e.g. WHITE ATHLETE SCORES GOAL, BROWN MAN WINS ELECTION, etc.). Would it kill them to let us know what the guy in the barrel's eyes looked like?

The top: Former provincial Attorney General Michael Bryant goes for a topless jog to celebrate not being responsible for dragging a cyclist to death along Bloor Street. Also: with $40 million, I could look at Michael Bryant's pecs whenever I wanted. Plus: T.O's best sports.

Bottom: WHITE COUPLE IN EYE SEX SCANDAL

Summary: If I ever found a body in a barrel, I'd be, like, "Uh oh!"

**** (out of 5)

26 May 2010

Front and centre: Good news, friends! It's now perfectly legal to drag a cyclist through Yorkville and "shake him off" your car so you can get to the Park Hyatt in time for cocktails! Provided you used to be Ontario's Attorney General.

The top: A barrel containing a half-man/half-shark creature was found in Lake Ontario? Also: with $12 million we could drag and shake all the cyclists in the GTA to death. And: T.O.'s best sports.

Bottom: According to Honda's Theory of Reliability, a blue car's trunk is just big enough to hold a barrel with a man in it.

Summary:

From the Ontario Ministry of the Attorney General's website:

"The Attorney General is the chief law officer of the Executive Council. The responsibilities stemming from this role are unlike those of any other Cabinet member. The role has been referred to as 'judicial-like' and as the 'guardian of the public interest'."

Anyone care to join me in Yorkville for some Drag 'n' Shake?

**** (out of 5)

22 May 2010

Front and centre: A 12-year-old boy has been caught with a loaded gun. Despite this, the madness will still go ahead on May 25 and end precisely at the stroke of midnight. Trust me, you don't want the madness to go on past midnight or you're all messed up the next day, do you know what I mean?

Top: Chris Bosh might leave the Raptors for a city without the madness.

Summary: A 12-year-old with a gun is great and everything, but we're completely overlooking the latest news on Perv Santa.

*** (out of 5)

21 May 2010

Front and centre: Did you ever have to make up your mind between two newsmakers, both of whom you're deeply in love with? I admit it: my thumping heart is torn over our two astonishing bikini friends! Shall I marry the one on the left? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to share a demented laugh with the one on the right. Shall I marry the one on the right? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to spend the night with a woman who owns sunglasses. Oh, what's the use? The only way out of this news story is Death! So much for the long weekend.

On top of the temptresses: The Canadiens crushed Philadelphia. Also: $30 million is worthless compared to the love of two people in bikinis.

Beneath the temptresses: Another erotic image rubbed in our faces. Unbelievable.

Summary: Never before has a news item stoked the flames of lust that rage in the lower part of my body so violently—and I'm not forgetting all the times the Sun put Rob Ford on the cover. I need to cool myself down with a Yop.

Start it up.

***** (out of 5)

20 May 2010

Front and centre: A guy runs an ice cream truck near Old City Hall for 23 years, goes on a trip to Greece, and when he gets back the city tells him he has to leave his spot. This story raises a lot of ethical questions, but I'll now hand it over to a man named "Bill," who posted two magnificent comments beneath the article. His first comment reminds us of the perils of ice cream:

"I THINK THE DECISION IS A RIGHT ONE AND I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED. ICE CREAM IS FATTY AND LEADS TO OBESITY IN KIDS. STATISTICS HAVE SHOWN THAT WE HAVE AN OBESITY PROBLEM IN OUR COUNTRY AND EATING FATTY ICE CREAM DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION. FOR THE PROTECTION OF OUR CHILDREN AND OUR HEALTH I THINK WE ARE FORGETTING THE MORE BIGGER PICTURE ON THIS WHOLE FIASCO. BEFORE COMPLAINING THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND FEEL WHAT IS RGHT FOR THEM. OHIP BILLS ARE SKYROCKETING"

In Bill's second post, he outlines his shouty thoughts on Greece and the Greek people:

"IF THE GUY CAN AFFORD TO TAKE A BIG TRIP TO GREECE THEN HES NOT SO POOR. HE PROBABLY HAS A VILLA OVER THERE LIKE MOST GREEKS AND LIVES IN A BIG MANSION. I HAVENT GONE ON A TRIP IN OVER 25 YRS CAUSE I CANT AFFORD IT. THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE CAN AFFORD IT AND I BET THE GUY GOES EVERY YEAR TOO! SNOOZE YOU LOOSE I SAY. HE SHOULDNT HAVE GONE TO GREECE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHY WOULD HE GO ANYWAYS SINCE THEY WERE RIOTING OVER THERE. BOO HOO HOO, THE GUY WHO JUST SPENT $6000 GOING TO GREECE LOST HIS SPOT-GET REAL!"

Tremendous, Bill!

Top: A Toronto woman is missing in a triangle. Also: one day I will create an ice cream flavour that tastes like $30 million.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical woman appears to be flying solo again, yet she still has that forlorn look on her ultrasad face. I'm starting to think that maybe her ex-boyfriend wasn't the problem....

Summary: "THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE." Shooting fish in a barrel.

*** (out of 5)

19 May 2010

Front and centre: A talking dog protests the OSPCA's decision to euthanize his colleagues. In addition, the Sun has made a neutering joke and would like to cut off the OSPCA's "powerballs." To be clear, these balls are abstract and don't exist in nature.

The top: Philadelphia defeated Montreal last night during a little bit of hockey. Plus: with $30 million we could cut off every type of balls within 10 years.

Bottom: According to Honda's Theory of Reliability, a blue car can only be driven by a sad man.

Summary: Newsdog.

** (out of 5)

18 May 2010

Front and centre: A confession: I can't really concentrate on this "statue without an arm" story. Apparently there's no money to glue his arm back on? Umm. Usually, I'd find out the details, but... a certain female football fan on the cover seems to have caught my eye and made my mind go nuts!

Left: HELLO, YOUNG GODDESS! A buxom woman owned by the Toronto Argonauts looks forward to touchdowns. If her arms ever fall off, I will personally raise the money to get her some new ones! Also: maybe if I win the $30 million jackpot she'll start returning my amorous faxes....

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill may have 55 HD screens, but none of them are ever tuned to Al Jazeera. I thought this place was supposed to be a news bar?

Summary: War Man vs. Babe Man.

* (out of 5)

17 May 2010

Front and centre: The greatest sacrifice a young man can make is giving his life for his country. And when he does, the Toronto Sun will honour him by making an important connection between his death and one of the most beloved sitcoms of the 1980s.

Top: Philadelphia beat Montreal 6-0, Chicago beat San Jose 2-1, and it seems that Kim Mitchell and his wife have won the lottery. Congratulations, guys!

Bottom: Summer Chill is back. Now, if my wife would only follow suit, I'd really be in business!

Summary: I guess it could have been worse... they could have printed WHO'S THE BOSS? or ALF on the cover.

** (out of 5)

14 May 2010

Front and centre: What the hell? I just threw up all over my nightgown. Is David Cronenberg the guest editor of today's cover? And what does he mean saying a "cop did this to me?" No police officer can give a man such a stomach-turning beard! Urgghhh....

(vomits on keyboard)

The top: Boston and Philadelphia are preparing their bodies for Game 7. Also: with $20 million we could buy the man on today's cover a nice hot towel shave from an old-timey barbershop. Make him look elegant.

Bottom: The GMC Right Truck Event is back. So, how can you tell if a truck is right for you? You'll know by the tingly feeling you get in your Tasmanian Devil jean jacket.

Summary: "Man says he has no idea what he did wrong." This fellow reminds me of myself. Today's cover is so gross!

***** (out of 5)