Friday, April 30, 2010

30 & 29th April

Front and centre: Accused murderer, sex criminal and underwear aficionado Col. Russell Williams (of the army) gazes up at his own forgiveness before lighting up an ear-cigarette beside the Canadian flag. To sign up for the army, click here.

Top: I wish the Sun did more stories on the Harlem Globetrotters and stopped teasing us with stories about TTC spending. To sign up for the Harlem Globetrotters, click here. Also: With $10 million, you could buy this!

Bottom: You know who'd look great in a yellow car? Acclaimed dancehall reggae performer Yellowman. To sign up for Yellowman, click here.

Summary: Friday pervert, everybody.

*** (out of 5)

Front and centre: Steve O’Brien, chairman of the TTC's Customer Service Advisory Panel, interacts with what can only be described as an old woman. The Sun is furious that he owns a car with an unorthodox roof. In this picture, O'Brien is breaking the news about his wild roof to the old woman. What you don't see is her reaction, when she loses control of her body and mind.

The left: A hockey man punches his invisible tormentor. Also: with $10 million, you could give one dollar to every person on the planet and still have tons of money left over for investing/partying.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical couple may have perfect eyesight, but what they really need are Love Glasses for their blind hearts. I just want to scream into their faces about love!

Summary: I'd enjoy seeing a classic farce put on by TTC employees. Noises Off, for instance.

** (out of 5)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

28 April 2010

Front and centre: "You know how everyone's always running around saying the phrase 'What the fuck?' Well, I want to do a silly parody of that phrase. And get this: I want it on the cover of my newspaper. Do any of you know anything about chickens?"

Up on the top: A cool person smokes a cigarette. No law against that, is there? There will be if city councillor Paula Fletcher's proposal to ban smoking on Toronto's athletic fields goes through. What will become of the city's Cigar Frisbee league? Also: a novella about sports. And a lottery competition.

Beneath: ♫ Blue car, you saw me standing alone/ without a car in my heart/ without a car that was blue ♫

Summary: News cock.

**** (out of 5)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

27 April 2010

Front and centre: The Sun's crusade against bumbling has reached fever pitch today with the announcement that Toronto is not a first-class city. Feel the Sun's wrath! I haven't felt this ashamed since my senile grandfather told me I was a failure at spitting (I wasn't, by the way). Sure, Toronto has no Topless Colosseum, public perv floggings or Electrified Immigrant Cage, but we do have a lot of worthwhile attractions, like Historic Fort York and parts of Jarvis Street.

On the top: Jaroslav Halak is Slovak, just like my grandmother. But unlike my grandmother, he received a standing ovation last night in Montreal for almost achieving a shutout and helping force a seventh game between the Canadiens and the Capitals. So, that's Halak 1, Granny 0. Also: if I win the $3.5 million jackpot I'm totally setting up Halak with my grandmother for a Slovak date they'll never forget.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill has no Slovak delicacies on its menu. Why bother?

Summary: Second rate cover, my friends!

** (out of 5)

Monday, April 26, 2010

26 April 2010

Front and centre: Today's cover should put to bed any question over whether the Sun is controlled by the liberal Sikh-run media. Could they try to make it more obvious? Not a day goes by that the Sun isn't ramming the teachings of the ten gurus down our throats or self-righteously reminding us to steel ourselves against the Five Evils. We get it, guys. Anyway... if anyone knows of a tabloid newspaper that speaks on behalf of white Christian slobs, please let me know.

Top Right: A Sikh couple has won $20.6 million in the lottery. Coincidence?

Under: Everyone thinks it's cute when a child kisses her mother while enjoying a meal at Country Style, but when I try it with strangers I'm "arrested."

Summary: Happy Khalsa!

*** (out of 5)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

25 April 2010

Front and centre: Today the Sun has humiliated Premier Dalton McGuinty by portraying him as the most hated cartoon character in Western Civilization, the injured sex bee. This follows McGuinty's introduction and hasty retraction of a new sexual education curriculum that would have taught children about the existence of genitals (and gay guys) at a slightly younger age. It would have, but religious people got such big fear-boners and made such an unsexy stink that the curriculum was shelved. On the bright side, for a brief moment we got to hear pastors and imams talk indignantly about anal intercourse and vaginal lubrication, which was a hilarious gift from God. My question: how did the cartoon sex bee get so terribly injured? Was he pelted with bibles and rocks? Or are we dealing with an intercourse-related accident? And why does he have an attaché case with the name of his job written on it? Unrealistic.

Top: The Senators are over and out, good buddies. Also: the $20.6 million winning couple is back for what seems like the 50th time. They may be rich, but they haven't changed their fancy clothes in weeks. Someone open a window in this mansion!

Bottom: "In my day, we learned about sex in the back of a blue car. May I show you an example or two?" -- Perverted Car Salesman

Summary: I'm intrigued by the Sun's decision to draw Dalton McGuinty as a bee instead of a bird. There definitely was a discussion about that....

*** (out of 5)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

24 April 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is making it impossible for me to do my "job" today!

Top: Is that Henry Rollins and former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien singing an unlikely (yet amazing) duet? No! It's the swearing athletes Tie Domi and John McEnroe, and they're joining forces to play celebrity tennis and raise money for youth sports programs in Africa. So... things are looking up, Africa! Also: with $4 million, we could buy enough tennis rackets and riding lessons for all the children in Darfur.

The Bottom: How did this unfamous cartoon character get into so much debt? He can't keep his damn hands out of his pockets. Unemployable.

Summary: Let's try this again tomorrow.

** (out of 5)

Friday, April 23, 2010

23 April 2010

Front and centre: A World War I memorial has fallen into disrepair in Scarborough and (surprise, surprise) the Sun is seizing the opportunity to promote its sickening pro-arts agenda. For shame! Don't they know there are more important things in life than sculptures, paintings and beadwork? Try living in the real world for once, you big dandies.

Top: I hope Canada finally has a culture war. Here's how it will work: Justin Bieber and Ron James will be locked in a special room with nothing but two knives and a bunch of lube. The boy who comes out alive will be the new King of Ideas.

Left: Ever wondered what it would feel like to have $41 million in your mouth? The only way to find out is to buy a lottery ticket.

Bottom: Here's a dating tip for all the guys out there: why not take your sweetheart to the Fully Loaded Event? Sure, it sounds funny, but at the end of the evening you might just find that you're a husband!

Summary: I feel that today's cover is a calm before a storm....

** (out of 5)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

22 April 2010

Front and centre: Who's that bunch of hunks on the cover of today's Sun? Why, it's ♫ David Miller and his Million Dollar Boys Band ♫. The Sun is angry that these smoking hot municipal politicians are getting severance pay, instead of, I don't know, committing suicide immediately after leaving office? Trust me—the Sun wouldn't be making such a stink if these boys were ugly.

Up on top: The Montreal Canadiens are in a very tight, young spot after losing 3-1 to the Capitals. Also: think of all the nice clothes and haircuts those municipal hunks could buy with $41 million....

Bottom: Things are still messed up for the Hakim Optical couple. Last night, the man ruined what was supposed to have been a romantic dinner when he drank too much Pepsi beforehand. He got so hyperactive at the table that the woman burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom until dawn. Watch it, man. Keep it up and I'm going to steal that girl from you, and then I'll be the one getting the free lenses and second pair. My eyes are terrible.

Summary: Boring. The Sun totally blew a golden opportunity to decorate the front page with a very Bad Santa.

** (out of 5)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

21 April 2010

Front and centre: A madwoman suckles a machine at yesterday's Marijuana Smoke Out 4/20 event in Yonge Dundas Square. The event was meant to be a peaceful protest of marijuana laws, but things got ugly when someone pulled a gun, which may or may not have been fired in the crowd. Either way, the incident inspired the Sun to print one of the best sentences ever composed in English:

"Bongs were flying, reefers were dropped and people were freaking as they scrambled in a frenzy from the middle of the square."

Sounds a lot like my Sweet 16 birthday party! You don't know the dark side of drugs until you've had to sweep up hundreds of shattered Bart Simpson bongs and crushed Doritos or throw a forsaken dreadlock in the garbage.

Top: 28 pages of sports, my friend! Also: With $8 million I could turn my blue car into a bong on wheels....

Left: Give to charity.

Bottom: Bong on wheels, baby!

Summary: I think I'm in love with the beautiful drug addict on today's cover. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I wish I were a bong....

**** (out of 5)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

20 April 2010

Front and centre: Whoa! The Sun has created an amazing, mayor vs. mayor action movie poster. In this movie, David Miller is the haggard Bruce Willis-esque hero who must destroy the villainous Hazel McCallion before she gets so unbelievably old that the universe implodes and God falls from the sky. Talk about stakes! The best part of the movie is where Miller breaks into McCallion's Fortress of Shadows and they fight, make love and discuss the salaries of their respective city councillors. Then they make love again. $50,000 Question: A film by David Cronenberg and Oliver Stone, too.

Left: Washington creamed on Montreal five times last night, but Montreal only creamed on Washington once! How is that fair? Also: $41 million has always been my favourite number. It's what I'm going to name my first son.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill is better than the real Arizona because the real Arizona doesn't have great food or a DJ. It's just peanut butter and a guy playing Sublime covers on an acoustic guitar.

Summary: Hazel McCallion's face should be on the cover of the Sun every day to remind us of Ancient Worlds and the thrill of Immortality.

*** (out of 5)

Monday, April 19, 2010

19 April 2010

Front and centre: Last night, in a triumphant victory for Smooth people around the world, Michael Buble won four Junos. This picture looks like it was taken at the moment he Bubled in his pants! Other puns for his name include: Buble-gum, Buble-tea and, if you're describing a woman with an unforgettable backside, Buble-butt.

Inside Michael Buble's blazer: A giant man and his miniature bride are hiding in Michael Buble's clothes with their $20.6 million lottery win. Ingenious! If I could get a clear shot I'd take them out, but I don't want to injure Buble. He's the only crooner I have.

Left: A terrible accident in huge Buble-letters.

Bottom: "It's who we are... We're coffee lovers." I've met the couple in this Country Style ad half a dozen times and all they ever want to talk about is coffee. That's not natural, is it? I think they're depressed.

Summary: Michael Buble looks ill!

*** (out of 5)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

17th & 18rd April 2010

Front and centre: Who's the chubby fella smiling as a tight square closes in on his face? It's Etobicoke North councillor Rob Ford, the man currently in second place to be the next Lord Mayor of Toronto. Ford's the guy who made everyone angry a few years ago by saying that "Oriental people work like dogs" and are "slowly taking over." He also made headlines when he was arrested for assaulting his wife in 2008. But that's all in the past. These days, Ford's like an amazing souped-up, unracist car that just wants to be mayor. Forget Toronto, Rob—you should be the mayor of Heaven!

Top: There's a ton of stuff going on here: lottery winners, a woman/baby duo and some good news for dropouts. It's like the journalistic equivalent of an everything bagel. Do you guys like those kinds of bagels?

MAN: Hey blue car! Why so sad?
BLUE CAR: Oh, y'know. I'm sick of being blue all the time.
MAN: Come on, baby. Want me to cheer you up? Let me cheer you up!
BLUE CAR: Uh . . . do you mean, like, you're going to put your feet in my glove compartment and wiggle them around?
MAN: Big time.
BLUE CAR: Yeah . . . I think I'm good.

Summary: A fat man in a square.

** (out of 5)

Front and centre: A boy has survived a crazy accident, but hold the phone....

Top: $75 Gs! He's like the homeless equivalent of the $6 Million Man. Also: with $4 million we could buy all sorts of products for each other.

Bottom: The cartoon gentleman owes $70,000 to a violent gang from the funny pages.

Summary: Today is my birthday.

** (out of 5)

Friday, April 16, 2010

16 April 2010

Front and centre: In an alternate, dystopian universe, this picture of Sarah Palin would make a great American Apparel ad.

Top right: Is $30 million enough for me to buy Alaska and burn it down? Scorched earth policy.

Bottom: I've done a lot of thinking about this ad and I'm pretty sure the three commandments they're talking about are: thou shalt not murder, thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath day and thou shalt not cruise the streets in an elegant green car with thy neighbour's wife.

Summary: I fear that Sarah Palin's wild face will be the last image to flash before my eyes at the moment of my death.

*** (out of 5)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

15 April 2010

Front and centre: "Do you remember where you were," people will say in future times, "when you heard that Devil Dog had been killed?" The passing of Devil Dog is bound to become one of those gigantic cultural unifiers, like the JFK assassination, 9/11 or Charlie Sheen's announcement that he might not come back for another season of Two and a Half Men. This mythical creature—half-dog, half-the-Devil—has finally returned to the Underworld, where the streets are paved with fire and you can bite all the children you want. Now if we could only find some way to deal with Hell Cat and Bridezilla this city would feel less haunted.

Tippy top: The Raptors beat the New York Knicks 131-113—but what does it matter now that Devil Dog is dead? Also: Guess what Devil Dog used to always talk about? Winning $30 million.

Bottom of the cover: The Hakim Optical couple was about to break up; the fighting was out of control and the sex was nonexistent. Then the news broke about Devil Dog . . . and they agreed to give it one more try. The plan is to have a baby and name it after Devil Dog.

Summary: Devil Dog, everybody. Devil Dog.

**** (out of 5)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

14 April 2010

Front and centre: You'd be forgiven for thinking that the woman on today's cover is the DESPICABLE FAMILY SECRET in question. The proximity of the text to the picture implies a strong relationship between the ideas, right? Wrong! It's merely an optical illusion of the highest calibre, like something out of a delightful Criss Angel routine! (Have you seen that guy?) If you look a little closer, you'll realize that the woman on the cover is a missing person, and the Sun has a hunch that her father-in-law did something terrible to her. So, why didn't the Sun put his picture beside the condemnatory headline instead of insulting the woman they want to help? You might as well ask a wizard to take off his beautiful cloak. Don't you know anything about magic?

Top: A 9 page NHL playoff preview is hidden deep inside today's paper. Are you brave enough to find it? Also: If I win $3,500,000, I'm buying myself a golden animal. I don't care what kind it is.

Bottom: They say that on the Judgment Day, the sky will crack open and a Blue Car will descend to the earth to punish the Wicked and hang out with the Righteous. And do you know who's driving the sucker? Jimi. As in, Jimi Hendrix.

Summary: No, thank you!

** (out of 5)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

13 April 2010

Front and centre: The man on today's cover is the Mayor of Chicago, Alex Gonzalez. His staff defeated the Jays during last night's home opener debate, to the tune of 8-7. What you see in the picture is Gonzalez swinging the Mayoral Rod during his Ninth-Inning Speech. Anyone care for this metaphor?

Left: Sometimes your parachute doesn't open properly when you jump out of a perfectly good plane on your 50th birthday. On top of it all, you live in Barrie. As you hurtle towards your probable, squishy death, all you can think about is how your predicament makes for a delightful pun: OH, CHUTE. That's how it works, right? It' s like how when you're in a car crash, at the moment of impact, your mind screams: WANNA BANG? The man lived, by the way. Next: Most people think that $30 million is a lot of money. Not at the $30 Million Store. You buy one chocolate bar and POOF! it's all gone.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill is the best place in the city to take a blind date. If the date goes poorly, you can excuse yourself from the table, sprint to Pearson (only five minutes away!) and fly to, I don't know, Ibiza? The rest is gravy!

Summary: Come on, guys! I've seen dogs make better covers.

** (out of 5)

Monday, April 12, 2010

12 April 2010

Front and centre: It's home opener day for the Jays, and the Sun clearly has a case of Balls Fever. People with Balls Fever tend to do silly stuff, like transform baseball equipment into exclamation points, which is something I admire. (I just wish I hadn't used this particular move on all those resumes I sent out. Trust me, it doesn't get you the job!) In other balls news . . . Phil Mickelson has won the Masters and the Raptors are trapped on some ropes, terrified. Who will rescue these tall men?

Top: More grisly stories about life as a cop. And the wealthy couple is back. You know, you guys may have a lot of money right now, but all the money in the world can't buy you class. As far as I'm concerned, you're just animals on a yacht. Incidentally, are you animals hiring any yacht staff right now?

Bottom: "It's who we are . . . We're Bistrodeli." Why is Country Style using the last line of The Lord's Prayer in an advertising campaign? Disgusting!

Summary: Ballsballsballsballs.

** (out of 5)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

11 April 2010

Front and centre: Don't worry--no one's been injured! OFFICER DOWN is simply a humorous play on words to poke gentle fun at Bruce Kruger, a retired OPP officer, who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder after years of dealing with death on a daily basis. To give us an idea of how dispiriting police work can be, the Sun describes, in unnecessary, vividly poetic detail, the time Officer Kruger found a dead father and son floating in a lake:

"Bruce Kruger rowed the victims back to shore, the boy was lying at his feet with his dead eyes staring up at him, the father’s body dragging behind the boat with his legs secured with a rope."

Now that's what I call death porn. Officer down, indeed!

Above: I can't make sense of the alliterated gibberish, but I take it that former Leafs owner Harold Ballard's buds aren't as bad as we've been led to believe? Also: the Leafs beat Montreal 4-3 but aren't allowed to play any more hockey this year. Also plus: those lottery winning braggarts are back. Shall we urinate on their mansion?

On the bottom: Blue car at night, sailor's delight!

Summary: Today's cover was perfunctory at best. If yesterday's hadn't been such a masterpiece I would be furious.

** (out of 5)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

10 April 2010

Front and centre: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Today the Sun set back gender relations 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years by literally comparing a woman to a dog! Let's investigate: on the left we have Helena Guergis, the recently resigned Conservative Junior Minister of State for the Status of Women. You may remember Guergis from her batshit crazy boot-throwing tantrum at the Charlottetown airport? She's also being investigated by the RCMP for shady business dealings with her amazing husband. On the right we have Genny, a three-year-old black lab that is (hilariously!) running for city council in Durham. Talk about news of the weird! While it's true that Guergis is a crazy idiot, she is still, in the words of Nellie McClung, a "person." So, what is the Sun actually saying here?

A) Guergis is a dog for being a bad politician
B) all female politicians are dogs
C) all women are dogs
D) lock women in cages

I believe the answer the Sun is looking for is D! Let's party! The Sun may as well have juxtaposed a black man with an ape. Or an Irishman with an overflowing toilet.

Top: Tiger Woods is playing a little bit of sports. Also: 18,000,000 beautiful dollars.

Bottom: If you've got girl problems I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 problems and one of them is a money problem.

Summary: Today's Toronto Sun cover wouldn't look out of place on the Afghanistan Herald. Taliban in da house!

***** (out of 5)

Friday, April 9, 2010

9 April 2010

Front and centre: There are two kinds of women the Sun allows on its covers: 1) mega-babes that make your eyes bug out and your spine go gooey and 2) victims of awful (usually sex-related) crimes. Today we get the latter! A Brampton woman has been missing since February, 2009 and the Sun all but accuses her father-in-law of doing several awful/creepy things to her. Tomorrow's cover will probably feature a buxom masseuse.

On the left: Tiger Woods is back doing what he does best: prowling (a.k.a. playing golf). Yesterday at the Masters, Tiger prowled around with his prowl-rod, shooting sneak-balls into the course's 18 shadow-holes before vanishing into thin air. Also: I'm sick of this $25 million prize they keep dangling in front of our noses to make us behave.

Underneath: You know what's hypocritical about the Fully Loaded Event? If you show up at the dealership super drunk, they won't let you drive away in one of their "products."

Summary: Not so hot today.

** (out of 5)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

8 April 2010

Front and centre: Ewww . . . look at all those historical guts. The Sun has captured an image of The Grand Old Lady of Carlton Street on the operating table, midway through a procedure that will turn her into a big Loblaws. It's the end of an era, my friends. Just think of all the glorious things that have happened inside The Lady's body over the years: The Harlem Globetrotters, Duran Duran, Battle of the Blades--just think of those three things. Man. "Sometimes you have to tear down some history in order to create some more," begins the article on page 4. And I agree. Nothing says "history" like a 70,000 square-foot grocery store complex. "Grandson, see that produce section over there? That's where I bought a bag of onions in 2013. When you're with me, history comes alive!"

Top: The Lotto Max jackpot is $25 million. But your money is worthless in Heaven.

Under: Things still aren't looking so hot for the Hakim Optical couple. The woman--let's call her Barbara--is clearly at the end of her rope. Her boyfriend--let's call him Van--just isn't the man she thought he was when they met at the Royal Cinema after The Room. Barbara doesn't need a pair of free lenses to see that Van isn't husband material (can you imagine him as a father? Don't make me laugh). Barbara's going to end it tonight, right after she pays again for their falafels.

Summary: As much as I love trucks and cranes, today's cover is a disappointment.

** (out of 5)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

7 April 2010

Front and centre: There are as many kinds of pervs as there are colours in the rainbow. Today's cover is for golf pervs. Are you a golf perv? If so, you're about to have the wildest, longest, filthiest golfgasm of your golfing life. Read about how the Sun's "probe" forced the city to open its golf courses one week early this year! Unzip your pants! Read the Golf Guide and the four pages about the Masters! Yeahyeah! Read the weak golf joke about the Leafs! Are you naked yet? Oh my God . . . I'm gonna . . . GOLLLLLLLF!

Excuse me.

On the top: A man is dead after falling out a window during what the Sun tactfully refers to as a "freakish fight." At least they didn't use the word "fruitcake" anywhere. Next: there weren't a lot of details online, but it seems that the world's two most beautiful women recently dressed up like animals and bashed. Also, Lotto 6/49's $13,000,000 prize still exists. With that kind of money, you could surgically attach a golf club to your face or butt.

On the bottom: If it isn't our old friend, the blue car! Where you been, man? "I've been going through a very difficult time lately." Oh. Gotta go . . . .

Summary: Starting this weekend, anyone caught not golfing in the GTA will be sentenced to death. Unless they're one of the world's two most beautiful women.

*** (out of 5)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

6 April 2010

Front and centre: The man on the cover today is Spiro Papathanasakis, the executive director of the Cabbagetown Youth Centre. He is happy because a bunch of bikes stolen by Igor Kenk, the godfather of Toronto bicycle theft, are being donated to his organization. I will forgive the Sun for using a similar picture on yesterday's cover; after all, there's no such thing as too much beard. A special bonus: Igor's story is being turned into a graphic novel. Eat your heart out, Maus!

Up on top: The UNPARDONABLE man in question is convicted sex criminal and former junior hockey coach Graham James, who has been pardoned for his crimes by the National Parole Board. Cue the lynch mob, gentlemen! In non-pervert news . . . that man throwing a baseball is Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Shaun Marcum. The Jays lost 5-4 last night to those sickos the Texas Rangers. Also, may God have mercy on whoever wins the unlucky $13,000,000 Lotto 6/49 fortune. . . .

Beneath: According to this ad, the Arizona Bar & Grill gives away a real diamond ring to one "lucky lady" every Saturday night. WARNING: if you accept this ring, you will become invisible to society. Good luck, brave sisters!

Summary: I can't be hard on any cover that features a bearded man in a blue shirt throwing his hands in the air and waving them like he just don't care.

*** (out of 5)

Monday, April 5, 2010

5 April 2010

Front and centre: An Easter miracle! Please take a private moment to reflect on what's going on here. The Sun has chosen to celebrate Easter Monday with a front page story story about Col. Russell Williams, an accused murderer (and sex criminal!) who tried to take his own life in prison over the weekend. We are even told that the Colonel composed a suicide note on his jail cell wall in mustard, which everyone knows is the worst condiment to use if you want to be taken seriously (relish is generally considered to be the standard suicide note condiment). Yikes! My one complaint: the Sun failed to make the obvious COLONEL MUSTARD connection. Maybe tomorrow?

Above: Toronto's favourite Slovenian bicycle thief, Igor Kenk, is in the news again--and not a moment too soon! Ontario's Attorney General is donating hundreds of bikes Igor stole to needy children, which makes Igor a sort of creepy Slovenian Robin Hood. The man in this picture is Spiro Papathanasakis, the executive director of the Cabbagetown Youth Centre. Also, the lottery winners won't stop bragging about their win. We get it, guys.

Beneath: "We're classic bakers," says Country Style. Better not let Colonel Williams get near all that raw dough or he'll go and bake himself a coffin.

Summary: A deranged Colonel. A bearded man. A rustic bakery. If you can think of a better way to spend Easter Monday I'd like to hear it. Congratulations, Toronto Sun!

**** (out of 5)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

4 April 2010

Front and centre: A lady in white-framed sunglasses has received a $40 parking ticket, even though she was doing a prostate cancer charity run at the time of the crime. I haven't been this outraged since that time the late Mother Teresa was fined for loitering.

On top: I couldn't find the details on this one, but it seems that medical bureaucracy is bad. Also, a small couple are lording their wealth and beauty over us.

Beneath: Subaru makes a car called the IMPREZA? Thanks, but no thanks. I'll stick to my Toyota DISENCHANTRIX.

Summary: I feel like they're not even trying today.

* (out of 5)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

3 April 2010

Front and centre: Good morning, young lady! A 14-year-old girl from Brampton has won the world Irish step dancing championship and the Sun has captured all the excitement on its upskirt camera. You can even watch a video of this jumping child on the Sun's website, in case you happen to be an Irish nanny or an old-fashioned pervert. Gettin' Jiggy With It was a 1998 hit by Dublin-based tenor and actor Will Smith. Also, this is the only thing that happened today.

Above: Fact: for $8,000,000, you can make The Chieftains do anything you want. ANYTHING. YOU. WANT.

Bottom: Money problems, hey? Maybe you shouldn't have given up Irish step dancing, fuckface. How do you think I paid for all these bikini babes to stand around on my yacht?

Summary: An Irish home run! Who would have expected a jiggling minor on the cover of the news? Tomorrow the Sun will denounce the man who took this voyeuristic picture in a searing editorial.

**** (out of 5)

Friday, April 2, 2010

2 April 2010

Front and centre: The Leafs have rattled the Sabres, 4-2. How many times do you think the Sun has used this "sabre rattling" pun? The sports department must have some sort of pun chart they refer to whenever the Leafs win a game. "Leafs Extinguish Flames." "Leafs Chemically Castrate Predators." "Leafs Defeat Sickos." I would have preferred a front page picture of the World's Sexiest DJ. Music gives her chills throughout her entire body, man.

Up top: Two men have been convicted of manslaughter for the 2005 Yonge Street shooting of an innocent girl. $20,000,000 is up for grabs. And the Sun is angry that Toronto city councillors have been travelling to transit conferences around the world on taxpayer dollars, like a bunch of bus-and-train-obsessed Gatsbys.

Bottom: The Chevrolet Get More Event is here. What are you even talking about?

Summary: An utter failure! Thankfully, today's Good Friday parade means that tomorrow's cover will likely feature a Portuguese or Italian man dressed up like Jesus.

* (out of 5)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

1 April 2010

Front and centre: Now, this is more like it. Marvel at the rudimentary Photoshop job! Is that Eugene Levy? No! It's Art Gallery of Ontario CEO Matthew Teitelbaumn, and the Sun is incredulous that the CEO of an art gallery has made $1 million, a mind-boggling amount of money that no one in history--aside from King Tutankhamun himself--has ever managed to get paid. The salary exposé comes in the wake of layoffs at the AGO, semingly putting the Sun on the side of the AGO's unionized workers. In short, the Sun has become a communist publication.

To the left: A memorial for a murdered teen. Above, a reminder to get $20,000,000.

Bottom: I'm worried about the couple in this ad. The man seems jaunty and relaxed, oblivious to the private hell his sweetheart is going through. Just look at the expression on her face. It's a face that's falling out of love, and no amount of free lenses will make her stay....

Summary: Today's cover is a pleasure to look at. Unfortunately, the spectre of communism is haunting Toronto and the Hakim Optical couple are sleeping in separate beds.

*** (out of 5)