Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Law

Hello men and women,

Last week, the Toronto Sun contacted me and asked me to take down this blog because, in their view, I had been illegally posting copyrighted images (Sun covers). I spread the word around and a lot of people who know things told me that the law is definitely on my side. I'd also like to point out that it took the Toronto Sun more than two years to contact me about this. Quick on the draw!

Anyway, Torontoist's Steve Fisher has written an article about my heartbreaking plight. Please give it a read!

Stay tuned and keep reaching for the stars,
Michael A. Balazo

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

16 November 2011

Front and centre: Look at this drug-addicted communist shouting at his meth dealer through a stolen bullhorn. (That's what's going on here, right?) Disgusting. Like me, the Sun hates this man, and hates how Superior Court Justice David Brown has ordered the city of Toronto to stop evicting people occupying St. James Park until he can determine whether doing so would violate their Charter rights. This is how they described the scene in St. James Park after the order came down:

"The mood was of smug jubilance among the occupiers in the park following the announcement of Brown's ruling."

Smug jubilance? Charter rights? It's like Trudeau's ghost has taken a big, stinky dump in Toronto's nicest park.

Top: The Leafs Hockey Team suffered a 3-2 shootout loss to the Phoenix Coyotes team. Also: sounds like the Leafs should give up on hockey and concentrate on winning this week's $30,000,000 Lotto 6/49 jackpot!

Bottom: Who is this Sunset Grill lady and why is she so happy? Don't tell me she's on crystal meth now! No wonder my eggs tasted so sketchy.

Summary: Awful. Why can't The Sun run more stories like this?

* (out of 5)

Monday, November 14, 2011

14 November 2011

Front and centre: Today's big headline manages to combine a deep-seated hatred of art with a humorous heart failure pun.* Toronto's ART FAILURE is Dawes Crossing, a $400,000 sculpture that will beautify(?) the corner of Dawes Road and Victoria Park Avenue. The Sun is upset that "taxpayers" are footing the bill for something as supergay as a sculpture and would prefer to see that money spent on something less supergay, like... daycare? Hold on a minute. Since when does the Sun care about daycare? Isn't daycare some sort of Soviet-style communist thingy that teaches kids to be lazy and drink juice instead of making them prove their worth in the marketplace? Down with the nanny state.

Top: Hey, Steve! (It's my friend Steve Scholtz.) I didn't know you were living in L.A. now. The clinical drug trials must have paid off. I went to L.A. once. Had a good time. While I was there I saw a gentleman get his head bashed against the hood of a car in front of Rodney Dangerfield's star on the Walk of Fame. Let's just say that the gentleman in question didn't get no respect! Also: the old Italian man has still won the lottery...

Bottom: So it's come to this. Country Style is selling oatmeal and Tim Hortons is selling espresso. Where's a scumbag supposed to get a shitty breakfast and a cup of hot mud these days?

* (out of 5)

* Heart failure is a condition that hospitalizes 54,333 Canadians each year.

Friday, November 11, 2011

11 November 2011

Front and centre: The Occupy Toronto protest is nearly a month old and Sun columnist Joe Warmington is losing his shit in the most hilarious way possible: by hysterically citing the number of city bylaw infractions the protesters are committing in St. James Park, like the worst grandma in the world. I don't want to alarm anybody, but flowers and fungus are possibly being injured. Unauthorized picnics are happening. Rumours have circulated that people are swearing and being irreverent. What is this... Mogadishu? How can one city handle so much chaos and anarchy??? I'm so upset that I nearly smashed my tea cup against the settee.

Warmington is particularly outraged by the presence of a native sacred fire in the park, warning that the protest "is starting to have a Caledonia feel to it." Nice. Way to stick it to those darn Indians for always causing trouble by standing up for their land rights and stuff. Fools!

Ticket away, Toronto. I'm pretty sure our soldiers didn't fight wars so that people could peacefully protest in public spaces.

Top: Lest we forget. Also: remember to buy your lotto MAX tickets.

Bottom: Win a Chevy Equinox and drive your sweetheart somewhere special for the weekend.

Summary: "Every great revolution begins with an unauthorized picnic. How's the bean salad?" -- Che Guevara & Gandhi

* (out of 5)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

10 November 2011

Front and centre: It's Remembrance Day Eve, everybody! Tonight's the night that Remembrance Man flies down our chimneys in his magic drone, has sex with a woman dressed up as Stephen Harper and shamelessly evokes the memory of dead soldiers to make the idea of spending billions of dollars on fighter jets, nuclear submarines and War of 1812 commemorations seem excellent. And then we feed him Oreos.

Thank you. And now... the cover, or whatever.

A pair of Canadian World War II veteran brothers are in an expensive pickle because an American insurance company is refusing to pay their $233,613.55 Ontario hospital bill. Yikes! You know what? I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think that these insurance companies? They might not be run by nice men. In fact, they might be run by dishonest gentlemen. Is that bad?

Top: Leafs goalie Jonas Gustavsson is having some trouble with his pipes. I've been there, buddy! Here's a tip for you: try eating more fruit. Cleans you right out. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Just a couple of ladies buying some glasses. Nothing to see here, you silly boys!

Summary: "Hey, you remember that TV miniseries called Band of Brothers? Well, I've got a crazy idea for a headline based on that show. The twist? It involves wordplay . . ."

* (out of 5)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

9 November 2011

Front and centre: Take one look at today's cover and you can forget about having an ordinary old Wednesday! First of all, the newspaper is swearing at us. (When's the last time the Globe & Mail or Ian Hanomansing swore at you? "Tonight's top story: fuck you.") Secondly, if you examine the photograph in the centre of the page, you'll note that a mysterious figure appears to be offering a candy apple to a jack-o'-lantern--which is crazy! I mean, is this some sort of twisted satanic ritual? Should we all start praying to our God and getting our affairs in order?

But let's all take a deep breath. Before we do anything we regret, let's try and make sense of all this chaos and ass-swearing.

A man in Oshawa (where I spent my famous teen years) has been targeted by youths for not giving out candy on Halloween. (A little back-story: the former owners of this man's house were famous for giving out candy apples.) Well, the children of Oshawa were so angry about the lack of sticky apples in their pillow cases that they left a sternly-worded note in the man's mailbox, warning him not to skip Halloween next year. At the very least, the kids want chocolate bars. How presumptuous. You know what these kids remind me of? They remind me of CANDY ASSES.

What a scoop!

Left: A dignified, poppy-decorated Toronto Sun logo evokes the memory of all the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Except for the gay ones, I assume? Also: the Toronto Maple Leafs failed their hockey game last night and were defeated 5-1 by Florida's Panthers. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Eggs.

Summary: In my day, Oshawa children didn't write notes when they were angry--they expressed their displeasure by taking a dump on your doorstep, like men.

*** (out of 5)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

8 November 2011

Front and centre: Did you know that Rob Ford wasn't a big fan of unions? I know! Holy shit--this man is just one jaw-dropping surprise after another. I can't believe it! Call me an insane guy, but I just assumed he was a big fat socialist. What are we going to learn next--he hates vegetables? He doesn't like soca music? He's not a big Atom Egoyan fan? I mean, really! How does he keep track of himself?

Anyway, Ford's administration wants city workers to give up the employment security clause that guarantees them "jobs for life." Once this happens, all city workers will be fired and their jobs will be contracted out to one astonishingly productive Jamaican nanny.

Top: A poppy of remembrance. Also: the Toronto Leafs are gearing up for a little bit of hockey. Also: 8 pages in sports? 8 pages of what? Also: $17 million.

Bottom: You mean I can watch Pacquiao vs. Marquez and eat the best steaks in town all in the same building near the airport? I feel like I've died and gone near the airport.


H (out of 5)

Guys. My friend Pat Thornton is doing 24 hours of stand-up comedy to raise money to fight AIDS in Africa. Check it out here, watch him live at the Comedy Bar, make a donation, send him a joke, do the thing.