Monday, September 20, 2010

20 September 2010

Front and centre: Hey, remember that time we all elected my slob uncle as Mayor of our World Class City? It was a golden time for Hogtown (until we walled it off and bombed it). A lot of people forget exactly what Ford achieved in office, so I'll remind you!

ROB FORD'S MAYORAL ACHIEVEMENTS

  • Established the annual Fat Guy Convention, which contributes over $20 billion to Toronto's slob-economy
  • Created thousands of high-paying jobs for guys who forget about getting arrested for drunk driving in Florida on Valentine's Day in the 1990s
  • Lowered taxes for people who get drunk at hockey games and yell until they get forcibly removed from the hockey games
  • Opened a state-of-the-art, sound-proof concentration camp for gay guys and drug addicts (built with breathtaking efficiency by Orientals, who work like dogs and are slowly taking over)
  • Ate all the glucose within the city limits in one sitting
  • Ate all the children within the city limits in one sitting
  • Smeared his own excrement along the city's bike lanes to create so-called "brown nightmares" for cyclists
  • Learned to be a better father to Bart and a better husband to Marge
  • Gave the key to the city to his drinking buddies
  • Suffered a record-breaking 69 heart attacks while in office because he actually had no idea what he was doing
  • Increased municipal spending on condiments by 58%
  • Changed Toronto's name to "Calgary II"
  • Made Mel Lastman look like Pierre Trudeau on a particularly witty day

The man's record speaks for itself.

On top of the abomination: The Argonauts beat the Bluebombers 17-13. Also: poker continues to fascinate.

Beneath the abomination: Country Style would like you to eat a breakfast sandwich and win a trip to Historic England. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's shittiest time machine!

Summary: Barf.

***** (out of 5)

3 comments:

  1. Please ask your uncle to come clean the puke stains he left on my lawn last weekend.

    ReplyDelete