Front and centre:
Dear the Taliban,
How's it hanging? My name is Michael Balazo and I am a citizen of Canada. Usually I don't care much for your policies or tactics (e.g. poisoning that school for girls . . . whaaa?) but I am willing to put my prejudices aside and work with you if I can in any way assist you in capturing Canadian hockey icon and fashionista Don Cherry.
Mr. Cherry, or "Grape," as he is informally known, is currently in your area of the world flirting with Canadian soldiers. Here is what I'd like you to do: spare the soldiers and abduct "Grape." Once you've captured "Grape" and shuttled him to your outhouse-like headquarters, please do whatever you want with him. Seriously. Feel free to get creative, too. If you feel like rocking him or socking him, by all means, go for it, my brothers! You might also wish to consider tugging on his cravat and ass torture.
I speak for my countrymen when I say it would be a pleasure to see "Grape" scared out of his mind in a grainy hostage video on Al Jazeera. Another thing to consider: capturing and torturing "Grape" can only help to rehabilitate your notoriously cruddy image.
Wishing you a rockin' 2011,
Top: Gulliver's Travels and poker competition.
Bottom: Buy car for the sweetheart.
Summary: The cover photo reminds me of the time my grandmother posed with some lifeguards.
**** (out of 5)
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