Front and centre: Why is a middle-aged drag queen fondling his crotch on the front of my newspaper? Is he mentally ill or under the influence of beer? No. The he is actually a she, and she's touching herself because Toronto is hosting a Cougar Convention this weekend at Tattoo Rock Parlour. One lucky woman will be crowned Ms. Cougar Canada, win a trip to a Jamaican spa and a ticket aboard something called the International Cougar Cruise to the Bahamas. Very fun. It'll be just like a regular beauty pageant, except all the contestants' parents are dead.
On Top of This Woman: The Lotto Max jackpot is $43 million. If I win, I will buy myself the Ms. Cougar Canada crown, stage a coup and rule the nation as a brutal, gender-bending dictator.
Below This Woman: You know, a cougar's a lot like a yellow car: they're both shiny, they both need gas, and they both like having casual sex with younger men.
Summary: This weekend Toronto will be Cougar Town, which is a nice upgrade from our usual nickname, Scat Freak City.
**** (out of 5)
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