Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween of 2011

Front and centre: Today's top story comes from Canada's most terrifying area... Haaammmillllton. A mother and her twins are suicidal because the principal of their Catholic school has banned Halloween costumes. Why? "Safety and security" concerns and a fear that Halloween costumes will take away from instructional time. Instead, kids are encouraged to wear orange and black clothes. It's like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe story, it is.

And take a look at the mother's dejected face! Holy smokes. Where have I seen that expression before? She looks like she just found out that her family is to be slaughtered at dusk. I guess it's true what they say about Hamilton mothers: they're sad about Halloween changes!

This is just the kind of story the Sun loves: the tale of an overly-cautious public servant so drunk with politically correct power that she ruins the children's fun. Cue the indignant, anti-Muslim (?) and ghoulishly misspelled comments from Sun Readers:

Ron Aitken:
"Slowly but surely, everything we hold dear is fading into the past in the name of political correctness."

answell:
"If you parent`s let this leftwing pinko, pretending to be a principle,get away with this it will be your own fault. Remember,you are her BOSS and she is your SERVANT. You give her the honour of serving you in private property owned by the taxpayer. All of you parent`s,put her in her place which, who an employee, and send your children to school in their costume`s. Defy her to try and refuse them entry in to private property of the taxpayer which you parents are part owner`s. Teach this leftwing N.D.P. pinko lesson"

And, as a spectacularly incoherent grand finale:

IJustGotToBeMe:
"Fcuking muslims. Stupid teachers and principals. Stupid government. Islam is a disease. It is a cancer and should be eradicated. Hope allah chokes on a bacon sandwich. Thanks in advance for removing my post."

Well, then! How did we get here? Let me work it out using some old-fashioned Halloween math:

CATHOLIC SCHOOL + COSTUME BAN + HAMILTON = BLAME THE MUSLIMS?

I'll have to double-check my work there, but it seems accurate.

Top: The Buffalo Bills beat the Washington Redskins 23-0 at a football game held in Toronto's special dome. Also: an Italian man has become as rich as he wants!

Bottom: I suggest you head to Country Style for some yogurt smoothies, mixed berry parfaits and oatmeal pronto. You know . . . before the Muslims make us get rid of them.

Summary: Devil and hockey player.

*** (out of 5)

Friday, October 28, 2011

28 October 2011

Front and centre: This story just keeps getting better. Rob Ford (the celebrated coach of the Don Bosco Eagles) has denied a CBC report claiming he called 911 dispatchers "bitches" and said “Don’t you fucking know? I’m Rob fucking Ford, the mayor of this city!” What he doesn't deny is that he was scared shitless to find Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. (Note: I've seen this character, and it scared my pants off.)

We all know that 911 is for emergencies. It's meant to save people from dying. This means that Rob Ford called 911 because he felt that his very life (and the life of his invisible daughter) was threatened by Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. So, here's the important question no one is asking in all of this: is Mary Walsh capable of murdering a father and his daughter in broad daylight?

Now, I don't know the woman personally, so I can't speak to that (though my gut says "yes"). All I know is that I share Rob Ford's Walsh phobia. Would I call 911 if I found Mary Walsh on my property? God yes. What you're forgetting is that I'm the kind of guy who calls 911 when Mary Walsh appears on my TV screen, or pops into my imagination unbidden. And this is because I associate the sight of Mary Walsh with the thought of my own death.

So, while I'm no fan of mayor Rob Ford, I can understand how petrified he was to find himself face to face with Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty.

Top: A surprised man (Sun Media CEO Pierre Karl Peladeau) is demanding the CBC reveal how it spends its annual budget. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Car?

Summary: Rob Ford is sporting that "exhausted Brian Dennehy" look today.

** (out of 5)

28 October 2011

Front and centre: This story just keeps getting better. Rob Ford (the celebrated coach of the Don Bosco Eagles) has denied a CBC report claiming he called 911 dispatchers "bitches" and said “Don’t you fucking know? I’m Rob fucking Ford, the mayor of this city!” What he doesn't deny is that he was scared shitless to find Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. (Note: I've seen this character, and it scared my pants off.)

We all know that 911 is for emergencies. It's meant to save people from dying. This means that Rob Ford called 911 because he felt that his very life (and the life of his invisible daughter) was threatened by Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. So, here's the important question no one is asking in all of this: is Mary Walsh capable of murdering a father and his daughter in broad daylight?

Now, I don't know the woman personally, so I can't speak to that (though my gut says "yes"). All I know is that I share Rob Ford's Walsh phobia. Would I call 911 if I found Mary Walsh on my property? God, yes. What you're forgetting is that I'm the kind of guy who calls 911 when Mary Walsh appears on my TV screen, or pops into my imagination unbidden. And this is because I associate the sight of Mary Walsh with the thought of my own death.

So, while I'm no fan of mayor Rob Ford, I can understand how petrified he was to find himself face to face with Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty.

Top: A surprised man (Sun Media CEO Pierre Karl Peladeau) is demanding the CBC reveal how it spends its annual budget. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Car, I guess.

Summary: Rob Ford is sporting that "exhausted Brian Dennehy" look today.

** (out of 5)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

27 October 2011

Front and centre: While everyone else is talking about Rob Ford swearing at 911 dispatchers, the Sun has taken the high road and gone with a more pressing story about... Hungarian gypsies? Yes. Hungarian gypsies--the single greatest threat to the Canadian way of life, as of right now. Did you know that up to 50 Hungarian gypsies file dubious refugee claims at Pearson every day? Entire families of Hungarian gypsies, from babies to grandmothers, are trying to sneak their way into Canada and take advantage of this country's generous paprika benefits. And you know who's next, once gypsies move in? Tramps and thieves.

Just to give you an idea of the scope of the Hungarian gypsy problem, here are some pictures I took today during my morning stroll through the downtown core:

(Queen and Spadina)

(The Annex)

(Bloor and Runnymede)

Is this the Toronto you know and love?

Left: KICK THE BUMS OUT. It's no surprise that Sun columnist Joe Warmington hates the Occupy Toronto protests. In today's column he rages at length against some Mohawk Warriors who have recently arrived at St. James Park and lit a bonfire. Note his use of quotes:

'And if a warm flame can burn there all winter because it's a "First Nations" sacred fire that no one will have the guts to extinguish, who knows if the city will ever get this disintegrating park back?'

Christ. First Toronto is overrun by Hungarian gypsies and now we have to be on the lookout for Mohawk Warriors setting everything ablaze?

Someone call 911!

Bottom: Pardon me, gorgeous pair of blonde goddesses. Are you positive you want new glasses? 'Cause the decline of this once proud nation is no sight for your pretty eyes. Trust me, ladies: there's nothing more terrifying than seeing a Hungarian gypsy's face in 20/20. In fact, I wish blindness upon you.

Summary: The Sun's story about Hungarian gypsies is "an exclusive."

**** (out of 5)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

26 October 2011

Front and centre: You know you've got a fantastic sporting event on your hands when you have to bribe athletes to show up. The dream is over, everybody. The only way we're getting anyone good to come to Toronto's 2015 Pan Am games is by playing MONEY GAMES (i.e. handing thick wads of cash to men in shorts). So sad. It reminds me of the time I hired a pretty girl to attend my 9th birthday party. Sure, it impressed my friends and increased my earning potential, but when the party ended and Janine asked for her wages, I felt like dying.

I don't want Toronto to feel like dying.

If giving Usain Bolt a briefcase full of money is the only way we can get him to run around Toronto, than I'd prefer if he stayed in Jamaica. I mean, what are the Pan Am games about, anyway? Are they about champagne, cash and exclusive bunga bunga parties where you can change partners as often as you like? No. The Pan Am games are about obscure athletes testing themselves in the face of vast public indifference. Why must we poison this noble tradition with money?

Top: Just like they did on Seinfeld, Toronto city council has voted 38-4 to ban the possession, sale and consumption of shark fin soup. Surprisingly, mayor Rob Ford voted against the ban, saying, "No one has told me what to eat over the years so I can't really go and start telling people what to eat."

Exactly!

Also: lottery.

Bottom: Now that I can't get shark fin soup anymore, going to the Sunset Grill for supper will be a little less fun.

Summary: Usain Bolt was the funniest guy on Seinfeld. Remember "The Contest" episode? Holy smokes!

* (out of 5)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

25 October 2011

Front and centre: Yikes! What's going on with Rob Ford's face here? Why is he wearing that I've-been-creepin'-'round-the-bushes-outside-teacher's-house-and-I-left-him--nasty-surprise look? I want this man strip searched and jailed. On second thought... let's skip the strip search.

Last night city council voted 26-16 to privatize garbage collection west of Yonge Street, much to the chagrin of "lefty councillors." (You know, kooks?) Rob Ford is, of course, ecstatic about this. And the Sun chose to celebrate this ideological victory by photoshopping a picture of Rob Ford standing in front of a pile of garbage bags and grinning like a simpleton. Take that, unionized workers! The Mayor of Toronto, with a wave of his beautiful hand, has transformed you into trash!

Top: York region transit workers are on strike, effectively cutting off Richmond Hill and Markham from civilization. If anyone in York region can hear me, please shoot a flare. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill's ads are increasingly looking like the to-do lists of an indecisive party animal with the shortest attention span in the world. So many, many choices!

Summary: Here's a fun game: take a good look at Rob Ford's face and make up a sound that matches his expression. Mine is a barely audible and breathy "aaeeeaee aeeaeee aeeea..."

**** (out of 5)

Monday, October 24, 2011

24 October 2011

Front and centre: Just in time for Halloween, the Sun is scaring our sock off with tales of municipal bureaucracy gone absolutely berserk. It seems that damage claims made to the city are being ignored and no one is getting compensated when potholes destroy their cars. It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

But it doesn't end at potholes. The woman pictured has a flooded basement thanks to faulty city pipes. No wonder she looks so fed up! No wonder she's gazing wistfully at Christ in Heaven. Maybe Christ will help her mop up her swampy basement, like some sort of supernatural janitor?

It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

Top: The spookiness continues. Michael Buble is "coming clean" with the publication of Onstage Offstage, a memoir that tells the inspiring story of how he found a wayagainst all oddsto entertain middle-aged women by singing like Frank Sinatra. It's sort of like 8 Mile, except with less rap battles and guns and more crooning of sweet nothings. The Sun' s interview with Buble touches on his apparently notorious temper (he's a puncher and a swearer). Buble explains his hotheadedness by quoting his grandfather's advice: "If there's sunshine I don't mind kissing someone's ass. But if they poop on my face, they're dead." Chilling. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Michael Buble's talk of "kissing asses" and "pooping on faces" has ruined my appetite for these beautiful muffins. Fuck you, Michael Buble. Thanks to your depraved scatological musings I'm going to be hungry all day.

Summary: I'm dressing up as a man with a wet basement for Halloween.

*** (out of 5)

Friday, October 21, 2011

21 October 2011

Front and centre: This is clearly the big international news story today. All over the world, from Africa to Washington, people are talking about just one thing: a Toronto crack addict who let her kids get dirtyno, filthy. Why, the youngsters even had cocaine in their hair, which leads me to believe that this woman was not only a drug addict, but also a butterfingers. Thankfully, NATO intervened and this woman has been destroyed.

Top: Some guy passed away. Also: the Sun is angry at the CBC because "taxpayers" have no say in how it spends its $1.1 billion budget. Good point. When you think about it, the CBC is pretty alienating to the average Canadian, what with its complete lack of sports programming and its puzzling, avant garde comedies (watching an episode of the Ron James Show is a mind-frying experience akin to "flying on the ground"). It's wrong for the CBC to cater exclusively to weirdos and radicals. Give us some British soap operas, for fuck's sake! As taxpayers, we have the right to watch red-faced people dressed in rags drink beer for fifty years. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Buy a red thing! Or a black one.

Summary: Say what you will about Gadhafi, but he never spilled crack near the children.

** (out of 5)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

20 October 2011

Front and centre: Well, with teeth like that, I wouldn't blame hell for showing this knucklehead the door. I mean, there is such a thing as too many lollipops, sir! Let's see how much laughing you'll do after gingivitis pulls a drive-by on your mouth.

But! Let's take a break from all this joking and tooth talk, 'cause this cover has all sorts of problems. This is an awful story, for sure. But defining a black guy charged with multiple murders as a "rapper" because he made one rap video will only further confuse Sun readers into thinking that all black people are rappers, and that all rappers are violent criminals. This kind of crazy worldview is almost enough to make you think that the Sun is put together by a bunch frightened, bigoted old men. Which clearly isn't the case.

And is rapping really this man's defining quality? We all do lots of things during our lives. Which one thing defines us? It's true that I played trombone in my high school's marching band. Yet, were I to be arrested for murder next week, I'd be shocked if the headlines read:

PROFESSIONAL TROMBONIST BUTCHERS SEVERAL
POLICE FEAR HE MAY BE SLOVAK

Top: A new report from this lady standing in front of a bouquet of microphones finds that the city's roads are full of potholes and our sewers are stanky. Also: the lottery continues to operate.

Bottom: Are these two blonde women friends, sisters or clones? Who cares, as long as they get a great deal on spectacles.

Summary: Gadzooks!

*** (out of 5)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

19 October 2011

Front and centre: Today's top story involves captive animals, Spanish men and the no-holds-barred world of intergovernmental haggling. Basically, Toronto can't afford to run the zoo anymore. (All those lazy animals looking for handouts? Get a job, losers!) In September, city council issued a call for bidders interested in buying our gently-used zoo and Spanish company Parques Reunidos (the world's third-largest operator of leisure attractions) showed interest. Here's where the WILD IDEA comes into play: the zoo doesn't want to become part of the Parques Reunidos family, so it has asked Parks Canada to buy it. The only trouble is, Parks Canada? He don't wanna buy!

TIP OF THE DAY: The Spanish word for zebra is cebra.

Top: The Toronto Leafs are "takin' on the 'Peg." All those devil-may-care apostrophes can only mean one thing: whoever wrote this headline was completely relaxed. Also: 2 for 1 lottery.

Bottom: In Spain, breakfast is called el desayuno, and it's the smallest meal of the day.

Summary: Guh.

(out of 5)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

18 October 2011

Front and centre: Who is this glowing man in the space suit? Is he an actor or athlete? And what's all this "cult rape" stuff about?

The truth is, our spaceman friend is actually Jae-Gap Song, the creepy pastor at an awful-sounding Toronto Korean church. Song allegedly forced his followers to say they'd been gang raped 485 times by other members of the congregation to mask a sexual assault charge he was facing. And now those gang rape charges have been dropped. Confused? I am! Forgive me for saying so, but this story is enough to put me off Korean church for good. This is not what Korean church is supposed to be about, and you can quote me on that.

Top: The Colorado Avalanches beat the Toronto Leafs 3-2 in overtime last night. And, judging by the two sleepyheads pictured dozing on the ice, it must have been quite a strenuous game! Also: lottery.

Bottom: I think that the Arizona B-Bar & Grill needs to decide exactly what it is. Is it a pizza place? A Halloween restaurant? A dance club? A modeling agency? Because right now it looks like chaos. And that terrifies me.

Summary: Today's cover is the closest thing to a dadaist collage that the Sun has put out in a while.

*** (out of 5)

Monday, October 17, 2011

17 October 2011

Front and centre: Today's cover gave me quite a fright. My first reaction was: what is my ass tattoo doing on the front of the Toronto Sun??? Then, as I read on, I realized it was only a coincidence and that the image of the big dope leaf was related to a crime story. Basically, dope dealers are using courier companies like Purolator and FedEx to ship their dopes across Canada, right under the RCMP's noses. The Sun even included this picture, to illustrate how the dope dealers get away with it:

Now, I'm no dope dealer (thanks, mom!), but even I know that when you're shipping drugs, you don't put a big, conspicuous pot leaf on the side of the package. I mean, do you want to get caught??? And doesn't the RCMP know what that famous leaf symbol represents? As my mom would say, "For Pete's sake, it's enough to drive you to drink."

The left side: The Toronto Leafs are getting ready to play a game of hockey against the Colorado Avalanches.

Top right: A story about luck and determination.

Bottom: To me, these muffins are the real drugs. Maple walnut and pumpkin? I'm addicted! I'm gonna die with crumbs in my beard, OK?

Summary: Today's cover has a little something for everyone: dope, lottery tickets, a nice game of sports and two delicious muffins to give you energy for your busy day. It's definitely going in the spank bank.

** (out of 5)

Friday, October 14, 2011

14 October 2011

Left: RICH MAN, DEAD MAN, you know? It's all the information you need to make an informed decision. The man in question is late businessman and philanthropist Glen Davis (pictured, through no choice of his own, in a hat and glasses beside the Sun logo that threatens to devour him). In 2007, Davis was murdered mysteriously and no one could figure out who did it, or why. Then, on Wednesday, Davis' godson confessed to hiring two Russian guys to kill Davis because he couldn't pay him back a $2.5 million loan.

What this really is, then, is a case of extreme ingratitude. Listen up, all you mixed-up godsons out there: when your godfather is generous enough to lend you $2.5 million, don't hire two Russian thugs to murder him in an underground parking lot. What's that about? Were you born in a barn? There's a much easier way to show your appreciation, and it's called . . . a thank you card. Yes, a thank you card. Little things like that go a long way, and they're way easier to clean up.

Jeez Louise.

Right: Today is the last day to enter the Dreams & Discoveries lottery. From what I understand, prizes include a small girl and a big truck? I'm not much of a gambler, you see!

Summary: Have a good weekend and never trust your godchildren.

* (out of 5)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

13 October 2011

Front and centre: A depraved man peeps solemnly through the window of a massage parlour, his imagination running wild. What is going on in there? he wonders. Is it something sexy? Was that a butt I just saw jiggling??? Whoever's in there sure is creepy . . .

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the man peeping through the massage parlour window is some sort of voyeuristic deviant who should be arrested immediately. It's actually city councillor and moral guardian Giorgio Mammoliti, and he's got a handjob-sized bee in his bonnet. Toronto is considering issuing hundreds of new licenses to massage and body rub parlours, and Mammoliti feels this will lead to a prostitution boom in Toronto, turning us into a veritable PIMP CITY.

For a guy who hates illicit sex so much, Mammoliti sure spends a lot of time publicly obsessing over it. He may deplore the idea of a PIMP CITY, but he's the guy who tried to create an INTERCOURSE ISLAND. Sheesh, what a complicated fella!

So, how do we deal with this plague of back room HJs, BJs, RJs and, yes, JJs that are destroying Hogtown? Mammoliti style, of course! I propose that we station a frowning, prudish European man in front of each and every window in the GTA between the hours of 9 PM and 6 AM. Funny business won't stand a chance.

Top: Another excerpt from the new book about the life and times of successful hockey player and dream-loser Mike Danton. Also: there's a $12 million jackpot. That's enough money to buy everyone in Toronto a round of handjobs.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical couple has taken advantage of the 2 for 1 deal. With the money they've saved, they can now afford to put a motion detector outside their bedroom window. You know, to keep prowlers away.

Summary: This cover is giving me a full release.

*** (out of 5)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

12 October 2011

Front and centre: This is an important story for anyone who's ever suffered the indignity of losing a luggage tag in an airport. I think I speak for all of us when I ask: where are all of our tags? According to the Sun, our tags are being used by a network of criminals working at Pearson to smuggle drugs into Canada. Hmm. Don't they have drug-sniffing dogs in airports anymore? I guess the dogs are fooled by the tags, which means... the dogs can read?

HOLY SHIT.

Pearson has reading dogs on staff! Why isn't anyone talking about this?

Top: Humans and miracle dogs alike are invited to read an excerpt from a new book about Mike Danton, the hockey player who hired a hitman to kill his creepy agent. Do I smell a Governor General's award nomination? Also: If a miracle dog wins the lottery, who gets to keep the prize? If it were up to me, the dog would keep the whole thing.

Lower Portion: I once ordered breakfast at the Sunset Grill and the waitress insisted on putting my order on her Blackberry. Her Blackberry kept shutting down and I had to keep restating my order over and over again. "Scrambled eggs," I declared. "Scrambled eggs." This anecdote explains the downturn in RIMs' fortunes.

Summary: Confession: I thought today's cover was an ad for some sort of exciting theatrical re-release of the 1997 film Excess Baggage starring Alicia Silverstone and Benicio Del Toro. But it's not. It's about heroin suitcases in Toronto.

* (out of 5)