On the top: A man is dead after falling out a window during what the Sun tactfully refers to as a "freakish fight." At least they didn't use the word "fruitcake" anywhere. Next: there weren't a lot of details online, but it seems that the world's two most beautiful women recently dressed up like animals and bashed. Also, Lotto 6/49's $13,000,000 prize still exists. With that kind of money, you could surgically attach a golf club to your face or butt.
On the bottom: If it isn't our old friend, the blue car! Where you been, man? "I've been going through a very difficult time lately." Oh. Gotta go . . . .
Summary: Starting this weekend, anyone caught not golfing in the GTA will be sentenced to death. Unless they're one of the world's two most beautiful women.
*** (out of 5)