Front and centre: You'd be forgiven for thinking that the woman on today's cover is the DESPICABLE FAMILY SECRET in question. The proximity of the text to the picture implies a strong relationship between the ideas, right? Wrong! It's merely an optical illusion of the highest calibre, like something out of a delightful Criss Angel routine! (Have you seen that guy?) If you look a little closer, you'll realize that the woman on the cover is a missing person, and the Sun has a hunch that her father-in-law did something terrible to her. So, why didn't the Sun put his picture beside the condemnatory headline instead of insulting the woman they want to help? You might as well ask a wizard to take off his beautiful cloak. Don't you know anything about magic?
Top: A 9 page NHL playoff preview is hidden deep inside today's paper. Are you brave enough to find it? Also: If I win $3,500,000, I'm buying myself a golden animal. I don't care what kind it is.
Bottom: They say that on the Judgment Day, the sky will crack open and a Blue Car will descend to the earth to punish the Wicked and hang out with the Righteous. And do you know who's driving the sucker? Jimi. As in, Jimi Hendrix.
Summary: No, thank you!
** (out of 5)
Jesus or Me: Who is More Amazing?
5 years ago