Front and centre: The man on today's cover is the Mayor of Chicago, Alex Gonzalez. His staff defeated the Jays during last night's home opener debate, to the tune of 8-7. What you see in the picture is Gonzalez swinging the Mayoral Rod during his Ninth-Inning Speech. Anyone care for this metaphor?
Left: Sometimes your parachute doesn't open properly when you jump out of a perfectly good plane on your 50th birthday. On top of it all, you live in Barrie. As you hurtle towards your probable, squishy death, all you can think about is how your predicament makes for a delightful pun: OH, CHUTE. That's how it works, right? It' s like how when you're in a car crash, at the moment of impact, your mind screams: WANNA BANG? The man lived, by the way. Next: Most people think that $30 million is a lot of money. Not at the $30 Million Store. You buy one chocolate bar and POOF! it's all gone.
Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill is the best place in the city to take a blind date. If the date goes poorly, you can excuse yourself from the table, sprint to Pearson (only five minutes away!) and fly to, I don't know, Ibiza? The rest is gravy!
Summary: Come on, guys! I've seen dogs make better covers.
** (out of 5)
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