7 April 2010

Front and centre: There are as many kinds of pervs as there are colours in the rainbow. Today's cover is for golf pervs. Are you a golf perv? If so, you're about to have the wildest, longest, filthiest golfgasm of your golfing life. Read about how the Sun's "probe" forced the city to open its golf courses one week early this year! Unzip your pants! Read the Golf Guide and the four pages about the Masters! Yeahyeah! Read the weak golf joke about the Leafs! Are you naked yet? Oh my God . . . I'm gonna . . . GOLLLLLLLF!

Excuse me.

On the top: A man is dead after falling out a window during what the Sun tactfully refers to as a "freakish fight." At least they didn't use the word "fruitcake" anywhere. Next: there weren't a lot of details online, but it seems that the world's two most beautiful women recently dressed up like animals and bashed. Also, Lotto 6/49's $13,000,000 prize still exists. With that kind of money, you could surgically attach a golf club to your face or butt.

On the bottom: If it isn't our old friend, the blue car! Where you been, man? "I've been going through a very difficult time lately." Oh. Gotta go . . . .

Summary: Starting this weekend, anyone caught not golfing in the GTA will be sentenced to death. Unless they're one of the world's two most beautiful women.

*** (out of 5)