12 May 2010

Front and centre: It's been such a long time since we've had a scum on the cover of the Sun that I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. I'm glad to say my fears were unfounded and that Toronto is teeming with all sorts of wonderful and innovative scums! So, who is this scum? I think it's fair to say that by his build, the shape of his head and the cut of his coat this scum's name is either J.J. or Thor. Maybe he thought the Princess Margaret Hospital was a Best Buy and was under the impression that Best Buy was offering a "free computer" deal?

Top: An adorable man with a shaggy face prepares to meet his maker. Also: with $3.5 million we could put down all the scum in the GTA.

Bottom: The Theory of Reliability claims that a blue car is always in motion and that the driver is always having the time of his life.

Summary: SCUM would have been enough. But SCUM plus SLAUGHTER? That's like making love to a beautiful women and eating a falafel at the same time. Can life get any better?

**** (out of 5)

8 April 2010

Front and centre: Ewww . . . look at all those historical guts. The Sun has captured an image of The Grand Old Lady of Carlton Street on the operating table, midway through a procedure that will turn her into a big Loblaws. It's the end of an era, my friends. Just think of all the glorious things that have happened inside The Lady's body over the years: The Harlem Globetrotters, Duran Duran, Battle of the Blades--just think of those three things. Man. "Sometimes you have to tear down some history in order to create some more," begins the article on page 4. And I agree. Nothing says "history" like a 70,000 square-foot grocery store complex. "Grandson, see that produce section over there? That's where I bought a bag of onions in 2013. When you're with me, history comes alive!"

Top: The Lotto Max jackpot is $25 million. But your money is worthless in Heaven.

Under: Things still aren't looking so hot for the Hakim Optical couple. The woman--let's call her Barbara--is clearly at the end of her rope. Her boyfriend--let's call him Van--just isn't the man she thought he was when they met at the Royal Cinema after The Room. Barbara doesn't need a pair of free lenses to see that Van isn't husband material (can you imagine him as a father? Don't make me laugh). Barbara's going to end it tonight, right after she pays again for their falafels.

Summary: As much as I love trucks and cranes, today's cover is a disappointment.

** (out of 5)