7 May 2010

Front and centre: I don't mind if my tax dollars pay for a man to dress up like a brown bear. I don't mind if they pay for a man to dress up like a polar bear. But if you expect me to sit back and keep my mouth shut while my tax dollars pay for a man to dress up like a penguin, I will slap your face and murder your body. We've got a penguin-lover at City Hall, folks. Time for some major change.

And judging by his size, I wouldn't be surprised if mayoral hopeful and AIDS activist Rob Ford consumed all 600 egg rolls himself in one Herculean session.

Topmost: Montreal beat Pittsburgh 3-2. Also: with $15 million, we could pay a balloon sculptor to make a gigantic Rob Ford balloon and use it to scare all the children out of the city.

Bottom:

Young Lover: Hey, baby. Wanna go for a ride in my big yellow car?
Beautiful Woman: I probably shouldn't....
Young Lover: Why you gotta be that way, sugar dump?
Beautiful Woman: Because... I'm betrothed to a man in a blue car.
Young Lover: I am fortune's fool.

Summary: This one's for all the furries out there.

**** (out of 5)

30 & 29th April

Front and centre: Accused murderer, sex criminal and underwear aficionado Col. Russell Williams (of the army) gazes up at his own forgiveness before lighting up an ear-cigarette beside the Canadian flag. To sign up for the army, click here.

Top: I wish the Sun did more stories on the Harlem Globetrotters and stopped teasing us with stories about TTC spending. To sign up for the Harlem Globetrotters, click here. Also: With $10 million, you could buy this!

Bottom: You know who'd look great in a yellow car? Acclaimed dancehall reggae performer Yellowman. To sign up for Yellowman, click here.

Summary: Friday pervert, everybody.

*** (out of 5)

Front and centre: Steve O’Brien, chairman of the TTC's Customer Service Advisory Panel, interacts with what can only be described as an old woman. The Sun is furious that he owns a car with an unorthodox roof. In this picture, O'Brien is breaking the news about his wild roof to the old woman. What you don't see is her reaction, when she loses control of her body and mind.

The left: A hockey man punches his invisible tormentor. Also: with $10 million, you could give one dollar to every person on the planet and still have tons of money left over for investing/partying.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical couple may have perfect eyesight, but what they really need are Love Glasses for their blind hearts. I just want to scream into their faces about love!

Summary: I'd enjoy seeing a classic farce put on by TTC employees. Noises Off, for instance.

** (out of 5)