6 April 2010

Front and centre: The man on the cover today is Spiro Papathanasakis, the executive director of the Cabbagetown Youth Centre. He is happy because a bunch of bikes stolen by Igor Kenk, the godfather of Toronto bicycle theft, are being donated to his organization. I will forgive the Sun for using a similar picture on yesterday's cover; after all, there's no such thing as too much beard. A special bonus: Igor's story is being turned into a graphic novel. Eat your heart out, Maus!

Up on top: The UNPARDONABLE man in question is convicted sex criminal and former junior hockey coach Graham James, who has been pardoned for his crimes by the National Parole Board. Cue the lynch mob, gentlemen! In non-pervert news . . . that man throwing a baseball is Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Shaun Marcum. The Jays lost 5-4 last night to those sickos the Texas Rangers. Also, may God have mercy on whoever wins the unlucky $13,000,000 Lotto 6/49 fortune. . . .

Beneath: According to this ad, the Arizona Bar & Grill gives away a real diamond ring to one "lucky lady" every Saturday night. WARNING: if you accept this ring, you will become invisible to society. Good luck, brave sisters!

Summary: I can't be hard on any cover that features a bearded man in a blue shirt throwing his hands in the air and waving them like he just don't care.

*** (out of 5)

5 April 2010

Front and centre: An Easter miracle! Please take a private moment to reflect on what's going on here. The Sun has chosen to celebrate Easter Monday with a front page story story about Col. Russell Williams, an accused murderer (and sex criminal!) who tried to take his own life in prison over the weekend. We are even told that the Colonel composed a suicide note on his jail cell wall in mustard, which everyone knows is the worst condiment to use if you want to be taken seriously (relish is generally considered to be the standard suicide note condiment). Yikes! My one complaint: the Sun failed to make the obvious COLONEL MUSTARD connection. Maybe tomorrow?

Above: Toronto's favourite Slovenian bicycle thief, Igor Kenk, is in the news again--and not a moment too soon! Ontario's Attorney General is donating hundreds of bikes Igor stole to needy children, which makes Igor a sort of creepy Slovenian Robin Hood. The man in this picture is Spiro Papathanasakis, the executive director of the Cabbagetown Youth Centre. Also, the lottery winners won't stop bragging about their win. We get it, guys.

Beneath: "We're classic bakers," says Country Style. Better not let Colonel Williams get near all that raw dough or he'll go and bake himself a coffin.

Summary: A deranged Colonel. A bearded man. A rustic bakery. If you can think of a better way to spend Easter Monday I'd like to hear it. Congratulations, Toronto Sun!

**** (out of 5)