1 November 2011

Front and centre: Please allow me to introduce Dr. Charles Smith, a former child forensic pathologist who worked at the Hospital for Sick Children. This guy used to perform autopsies on children, until people found out that--yikes!--he didn't really know how to do autopsies very well. In fact, he was the worst man in the autopsy biz! Thanks to his incompetence, a bunch of innocent people went to jail and his medical license was revoked. Anyway, Dr. Charles Smith is on the cover of the news today because, for some reason, he was invited to give a talk at a high school in Picton last Friday. (WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR SCHOOLS???) His talk was on the subject of "DNA," but it seems like a more fitting topic would have been "Screwing Up Autopsies For Your Whole Career." Know what I mean? Jeez. When I was in high school, all we had was a motivational speaker who played guitar with his feet and told us to follow our hearts. Times have changed, my friends!

Top: It's the Toronto Sun's 40th birthday today. To celebrate this milestone, the Sun has invited its original squad of Sunshine Girls (now in their 60s and early 70s) to pose again in a series of super sexy "Where Are They Now?" pictures. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is now offering Beers of the World. I don't know about this. Isn't Molson Ex good enough anymore? I liked the Arizona B-Bar & Grill back in the old rough and tumble days when it didn't cater to sophisticates and dandies from abroad.

Summary: "Who wants to hear a story about the silliest autopsy I ever did?"

** (out of 5)

24 October 2011

Front and centre: Just in time for Halloween, the Sun is scaring our sock off with tales of municipal bureaucracy gone absolutely berserk. It seems that damage claims made to the city are being ignored and no one is getting compensated when potholes destroy their cars. It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

But it doesn't end at potholes. The woman pictured has a flooded basement thanks to faulty city pipes. No wonder she looks so fed up! No wonder she's gazing wistfully at Christ in Heaven. Maybe Christ will help her mop up her swampy basement, like some sort of supernatural janitor?

It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

Top: The spookiness continues. Michael Buble is "coming clean" with the publication of Onstage Offstage, a memoir that tells the inspiring story of how he found a way—against all odds—to entertain middle-aged women by singing like Frank Sinatra. It's sort of like 8 Mile, except with less rap battles and guns and more crooning of sweet nothings. The Sun' s interview with Buble touches on his apparently notorious temper (he's a puncher and a swearer). Buble explains his hotheadedness by quoting his grandfather's advice: "If there's sunshine I don't mind kissing someone's ass. But if they poop on my face, they're dead." Chilling. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Michael Buble's talk of "kissing asses" and "pooping on faces" has ruined my appetite for these beautiful muffins. Fuck you, Michael Buble. Thanks to your depraved scatological musings I'm going to be hungry all day.

Summary: I'm dressing up as a man with a wet basement for Halloween.

*** (out of 5)

21 October 2011

Front and centre: This is clearly the big international news story today. All over the world, from Africa to Washington, people are talking about just one thing: a Toronto crack addict who let her kids get dirty—no, filthy. Why, the youngsters even had cocaine in their hair, which leads me to believe that this woman was not only a drug addict, but also a butterfingers. Thankfully, NATO intervened and this woman has been destroyed.

Top: Some guy passed away. Also: the Sun is angry at the CBC because "taxpayers" have no say in how it spends its $1.1 billion budget. Good point. When you think about it, the CBC is pretty alienating to the average Canadian, what with its complete lack of sports programming and its puzzling, avant garde comedies (watching an episode of the Ron James Show is a mind-frying experience akin to "flying on the ground"). It's wrong for the CBC to cater exclusively to weirdos and radicals. Give us some British soap operas, for fuck's sake! As taxpayers, we have the right to watch red-faced people dressed in rags drink beer for fifty years. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Buy a red thing! Or a black one.

Summary: Say what you will about Gadhafi, but he never spilled crack near the children.

** (out of 5)

19 October 2011

Front and centre: Today's top story involves captive animals, Spanish men and the no-holds-barred world of intergovernmental haggling. Basically, Toronto can't afford to run the zoo anymore. (All those lazy animals looking for handouts? Get a job, losers!) In September, city council issued a call for bidders interested in buying our gently-used zoo and Spanish company Parques Reunidos (the world's third-largest operator of leisure attractions) showed interest. Here's where the WILD IDEA comes into play: the zoo doesn't want to become part of the Parques Reunidos family, so it has asked Parks Canada to buy it. The only trouble is, Parks Canada? He don't wanna buy!

TIP OF THE DAY: The Spanish word for zebra is cebra.

Top: The Toronto Leafs are "takin' on the 'Peg." All those devil-may-care apostrophes can only mean one thing: whoever wrote this headline was completely relaxed. Also: 2 for 1 lottery.

Bottom: In Spain, breakfast is called el desayuno, and it's the smallest meal of the day.

Summary: Guh.

♫ (out of 5)