19 May 2010

Front and centre: A talking dog protests the OSPCA's decision to euthanize his colleagues. In addition, the Sun has made a neutering joke and would like to cut off the OSPCA's "powerballs." To be clear, these balls are abstract and don't exist in nature.

The top: Philadelphia defeated Montreal last night during a little bit of hockey. Plus: with $30 million we could cut off every type of balls within 10 years.

Bottom: According to Honda's Theory of Reliability, a blue car can only be driven by a sad man.

Summary: Newsdog.

** (out of 5)

12 May 2010

Front and centre: It's been such a long time since we've had a scum on the cover of the Sun that I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. I'm glad to say my fears were unfounded and that Toronto is teeming with all sorts of wonderful and innovative scums! So, who is this scum? I think it's fair to say that by his build, the shape of his head and the cut of his coat this scum's name is either J.J. or Thor. Maybe he thought the Princess Margaret Hospital was a Best Buy and was under the impression that Best Buy was offering a "free computer" deal?

Top: An adorable man with a shaggy face prepares to meet his maker. Also: with $3.5 million we could put down all the scum in the GTA.

Bottom: The Theory of Reliability claims that a blue car is always in motion and that the driver is always having the time of his life.

Summary: SCUM would have been enough. But SCUM plus SLAUGHTER? That's like making love to a beautiful women and eating a falafel at the same time. Can life get any better?

**** (out of 5)

5 May 2010

Front and centre: The Sun's war against the TTC has culminated in a furious text-based cover inspired by a classic spaghetti western. Ailing women, confused seniors on buses, dimly lit subway stations with dirty stairs—the TTC is exactly like Sergio Leone's 1966 epic. Remember that scene at the beginning, where Clint Eastwood's Man with No Name boards the Dufferin bus and gets his poncho caught in the door? Chilling.

Top: Patrick Roy's son, Jonathan, is releasing his second album, Found My Way. I have an advance copy, and this thing is clogged with hits. My personal favourites are the propulsive Son of a Goalie, the reggaeton-esque My Dad (Is A Famous Goalie & I Am His Son Now) and the erotic a cappella groove of Imagine (If Patrick Roy Was Your Father, Girls). Also: the Habs have been blanked. Plus: $3.5 million is a wonderful thing for a young woman just starting out in life.

Bottom: The blue car is back, talking gibberish about something called the Theory of Reliability. Yeah, like bluey knows anything about science. He's a creationist.

Summary: Did the Sun lose the memory stick with all the pictures of buses?

** (out of 5)

28 April 2010

Front and centre: "You know how everyone's always running around saying the phrase 'What the fuck?' Well, I want to do a silly parody of that phrase. And get this: I want it on the cover of my newspaper. Do any of you know anything about chickens?"

Up on the top: A cool person smokes a cigarette. No law against that, is there? There will be if city councillor Paula Fletcher's proposal to ban smoking on Toronto's athletic fields goes through. What will become of the city's Cigar Frisbee league? Also: a novella about sports. And a lottery competition.

Beneath: ♫ Blue car, you saw me standing alone/ without a car in my heart/ without a car that was blue ♫

Summary: News cock.

**** (out of 5)

25 April 2010

Front and centre: Today the Sun has humiliated Premier Dalton McGuinty by portraying him as the most hated cartoon character in Western Civilization, the injured sex bee. This follows McGuinty's introduction and hasty retraction of a new sexual education curriculum that would have taught children about the existence of genitals (and gay guys) at a slightly younger age. It would have, but religious people got such big fear-boners and made such an unsexy stink that the curriculum was shelved. On the bright side, for a brief moment we got to hear pastors and imams talk indignantly about anal intercourse and vaginal lubrication, which was a hilarious gift from God. My question: how did the cartoon sex bee get so terribly injured? Was he pelted with bibles and rocks? Or are we dealing with an intercourse-related accident? And why does he have an attaché case with the name of his job written on it? Unrealistic.

Top: The Senators are over and out, good buddies. Also: the $20.6 million winning couple is back for what seems like the 50th time. They may be rich, but they haven't changed their fancy clothes in weeks. Someone open a window in this mansion!

Bottom: "In my day, we learned about sex in the back of a blue car. May I show you an example or two?" -- Perverted Car Salesman

Summary: I'm intrigued by the Sun's decision to draw Dalton McGuinty as a bee instead of a bird. There definitely was a discussion about that....

*** (out of 5)

21 April 2010

Front and centre: A madwoman suckles a machine at yesterday's Marijuana Smoke Out 4/20 event in Yonge Dundas Square. The event was meant to be a peaceful protest of marijuana laws, but things got ugly when someone pulled a gun, which may or may not have been fired in the crowd. Either way, the incident inspired the Sun to print one of the best sentences ever composed in English:

"Bongs were flying, reefers were dropped and people were freaking as they scrambled in a frenzy from the middle of the square."

Sounds a lot like my Sweet 16 birthday party! You don't know the dark side of drugs until you've had to sweep up hundreds of shattered Bart Simpson bongs and crushed Doritos or throw a forsaken dreadlock in the garbage.

Top: 28 pages of sports, my friend! Also: With $8 million I could turn my blue car into a bong on wheels....

Left: Give to charity.

Bottom: Bong on wheels, baby!

Summary: I think I'm in love with the beautiful drug addict on today's cover. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I wish I were a bong....

**** (out of 5)

14 April 2010

Front and centre: You'd be forgiven for thinking that the woman on today's cover is the DESPICABLE FAMILY SECRET in question. The proximity of the text to the picture implies a strong relationship between the ideas, right? Wrong! It's merely an optical illusion of the highest calibre, like something out of a delightful Criss Angel routine! (Have you seen that guy?) If you look a little closer, you'll realize that the woman on the cover is a missing person, and the Sun has a hunch that her father-in-law did something terrible to her. So, why didn't the Sun put his picture beside the condemnatory headline instead of insulting the woman they want to help? You might as well ask a wizard to take off his beautiful cloak. Don't you know anything about magic?

Top: A 9 page NHL playoff preview is hidden deep inside today's paper. Are you brave enough to find it? Also: If I win $3,500,000, I'm buying myself a golden animal. I don't care what kind it is.

Bottom: They say that on the Judgment Day, the sky will crack open and a Blue Car will descend to the earth to punish the Wicked and hang out with the Righteous. And do you know who's driving the sucker? Jimi. As in, Jimi Hendrix.

Summary: No, thank you!

** (out of 5)

11 April 2010

Front and centre: Don't worry--no one's been injured! OFFICER DOWN is simply a humorous play on words to poke gentle fun at Bruce Kruger, a retired OPP officer, who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder after years of dealing with death on a daily basis. To give us an idea of how dispiriting police work can be, the Sun describes, in unnecessary, vividly poetic detail, the time Officer Kruger found a dead father and son floating in a lake:

"Bruce Kruger rowed the victims back to shore, the boy was lying at his feet with his dead eyes staring up at him, the father’s body dragging behind the boat with his legs secured with a rope."

Now that's what I call death porn. Officer down, indeed!

Above: I can't make sense of the alliterated gibberish, but I take it that former Leafs owner Harold Ballard's buds aren't as bad as we've been led to believe? Also: the Leafs beat Montreal 4-3 but aren't allowed to play any more hockey this year. Also plus: those lottery winning braggarts are back. Shall we urinate on their mansion?

On the bottom: Blue car at night, sailor's delight!

Summary: Today's cover was perfunctory at best. If yesterday's hadn't been such a masterpiece I would be furious.

** (out of 5)