Halloween of 2011

Front and centre: Today's top story comes from Canada's most terrifying area... Haaammmillllton. A mother and her twins are suicidal because the principal of their Catholic school has banned Halloween costumes. Why? "Safety and security" concerns and a fear that Halloween costumes will take away from instructional time. Instead, kids are encouraged to wear orange and black clothes. It's like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe story, it is.

And take a look at the mother's dejected face! Holy smokes. Where have I seen that expression before? She looks like she just found out that her family is to be slaughtered at dusk. I guess it's true what they say about Hamilton mothers: they're sad about Halloween changes!

This is just the kind of story the Sun loves: the tale of an overly-cautious public servant so drunk with politically correct power that she ruins the children's fun. Cue the indignant, anti-Muslim (?) and ghoulishly misspelled comments from Sun Readers:

Ron Aitken:

"Slowly but surely, everything we hold dear is fading into the past in the name of political correctness."

answell:

"If you parent`s let this leftwing pinko, pretending to be a principle,get away with this it will be your own fault. Remember,you are her BOSS and she is your SERVANT. You give her the honour of serving you in private property owned by the taxpayer. All of you parent`s,put her in her place which, who an employee, and send your children to school in their costume`s. Defy her to try and refuse them entry in to private property of the taxpayer which you parents are part owner`s. Teach this leftwing N.D.P. pinko lesson"

And, as a spectacularly incoherent grand finale:

IJustGotToBeMe:

"Fcuking muslims. Stupid teachers and principals. Stupid government. Islam is a disease. It is a cancer and should be eradicated. Hope allah chokes on a bacon sandwich. Thanks in advance for removing my post."

Well, then! How did we get here? Let me work it out using some old-fashioned Halloween math:

CATHOLIC SCHOOL + COSTUME BAN + HAMILTON = BLAME THE MUSLIMS?

I'll have to double-check my work there, but it seems accurate.

Top: The Buffalo Bills beat the Washington Redskins 23-0 at a football game held in Toronto's special dome. Also: an Italian man has become as rich as he wants!

Bottom: I suggest you head to Country Style for some yogurt smoothies, mixed berry parfaits and oatmeal pronto. You know . . . before the Muslims make us get rid of them.

Summary: Devil and hockey player.

*** (out of 5)

24 October 2011

Front and centre: Just in time for Halloween, the Sun is scaring our sock off with tales of municipal bureaucracy gone absolutely berserk. It seems that damage claims made to the city are being ignored and no one is getting compensated when potholes destroy their cars. It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

But it doesn't end at potholes. The woman pictured has a flooded basement thanks to faulty city pipes. No wonder she looks so fed up! No wonder she's gazing wistfully at Christ in Heaven. Maybe Christ will help her mop up her swampy basement, like some sort of supernatural janitor?

It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

Top: The spookiness continues. Michael Buble is "coming clean" with the publication of Onstage Offstage, a memoir that tells the inspiring story of how he found a way—against all odds—to entertain middle-aged women by singing like Frank Sinatra. It's sort of like 8 Mile, except with less rap battles and guns and more crooning of sweet nothings. The Sun' s interview with Buble touches on his apparently notorious temper (he's a puncher and a swearer). Buble explains his hotheadedness by quoting his grandfather's advice: "If there's sunshine I don't mind kissing someone's ass. But if they poop on my face, they're dead." Chilling. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Michael Buble's talk of "kissing asses" and "pooping on faces" has ruined my appetite for these beautiful muffins. Fuck you, Michael Buble. Thanks to your depraved scatological musings I'm going to be hungry all day.

Summary: I'm dressing up as a man with a wet basement for Halloween.

*** (out of 5)