24 October 2011

Front and centre: Just in time for Halloween, the Sun is scaring our sock off with tales of municipal bureaucracy gone absolutely berserk. It seems that damage claims made to the city are being ignored and no one is getting compensated when potholes destroy their cars. It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

But it doesn't end at potholes. The woman pictured has a flooded basement thanks to faulty city pipes. No wonder she looks so fed up! No wonder she's gazing wistfully at Christ in Heaven. Maybe Christ will help her mop up her swampy basement, like some sort of supernatural janitor?

It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

Top: The spookiness continues. Michael Buble is "coming clean" with the publication of Onstage Offstage, a memoir that tells the inspiring story of how he found a way—against all odds—to entertain middle-aged women by singing like Frank Sinatra. It's sort of like 8 Mile, except with less rap battles and guns and more crooning of sweet nothings. The Sun' s interview with Buble touches on his apparently notorious temper (he's a puncher and a swearer). Buble explains his hotheadedness by quoting his grandfather's advice: "If there's sunshine I don't mind kissing someone's ass. But if they poop on my face, they're dead." Chilling. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Michael Buble's talk of "kissing asses" and "pooping on faces" has ruined my appetite for these beautiful muffins. Fuck you, Michael Buble. Thanks to your depraved scatological musings I'm going to be hungry all day.

Summary: I'm dressing up as a man with a wet basement for Halloween.

*** (out of 5)

21 May 2010

Front and centre: Did you ever have to make up your mind between two newsmakers, both of whom you're deeply in love with? I admit it: my thumping heart is torn over our two astonishing bikini friends! Shall I marry the one on the left? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to share a demented laugh with the one on the right. Shall I marry the one on the right? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to spend the night with a woman who owns sunglasses. Oh, what's the use? The only way out of this news story is Death! So much for the long weekend.

On top of the temptresses: The Canadiens crushed Philadelphia. Also: $30 million is worthless compared to the love of two people in bikinis.

Beneath the temptresses: Another erotic image rubbed in our faces. Unbelievable.

Summary: Never before has a news item stoked the flames of lust that rage in the lower part of my body so violently—and I'm not forgetting all the times the Sun put Rob Ford on the cover. I need to cool myself down with a Yop.

Start it up.

***** (out of 5)

20 May 2010

Front and centre: A guy runs an ice cream truck near Old City Hall for 23 years, goes on a trip to Greece, and when he gets back the city tells him he has to leave his spot. This story raises a lot of ethical questions, but I'll now hand it over to a man named "Bill," who posted two magnificent comments beneath the article. His first comment reminds us of the perils of ice cream:

"I THINK THE DECISION IS A RIGHT ONE AND I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED. ICE CREAM IS FATTY AND LEADS TO OBESITY IN KIDS. STATISTICS HAVE SHOWN THAT WE HAVE AN OBESITY PROBLEM IN OUR COUNTRY AND EATING FATTY ICE CREAM DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION. FOR THE PROTECTION OF OUR CHILDREN AND OUR HEALTH I THINK WE ARE FORGETTING THE MORE BIGGER PICTURE ON THIS WHOLE FIASCO. BEFORE COMPLAINING THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND FEEL WHAT IS RGHT FOR THEM. OHIP BILLS ARE SKYROCKETING"

In Bill's second post, he outlines his shouty thoughts on Greece and the Greek people:

"IF THE GUY CAN AFFORD TO TAKE A BIG TRIP TO GREECE THEN HES NOT SO POOR. HE PROBABLY HAS A VILLA OVER THERE LIKE MOST GREEKS AND LIVES IN A BIG MANSION. I HAVENT GONE ON A TRIP IN OVER 25 YRS CAUSE I CANT AFFORD IT. THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE CAN AFFORD IT AND I BET THE GUY GOES EVERY YEAR TOO! SNOOZE YOU LOOSE I SAY. HE SHOULDNT HAVE GONE TO GREECE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHY WOULD HE GO ANYWAYS SINCE THEY WERE RIOTING OVER THERE. BOO HOO HOO, THE GUY WHO JUST SPENT $6000 GOING TO GREECE LOST HIS SPOT-GET REAL!"

Tremendous, Bill!

Top: A Toronto woman is missing in a triangle. Also: one day I will create an ice cream flavour that tastes like $30 million.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical woman appears to be flying solo again, yet she still has that forlorn look on her ultrasad face. I'm starting to think that maybe her ex-boyfriend wasn't the problem....

Summary: "THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE." Shooting fish in a barrel.

*** (out of 5)

19 May 2010

Front and centre: A talking dog protests the OSPCA's decision to euthanize his colleagues. In addition, the Sun has made a neutering joke and would like to cut off the OSPCA's "powerballs." To be clear, these balls are abstract and don't exist in nature.

The top: Philadelphia defeated Montreal last night during a little bit of hockey. Plus: with $30 million we could cut off every type of balls within 10 years.

Bottom: According to Honda's Theory of Reliability, a blue car can only be driven by a sad man.

Summary: Newsdog.

** (out of 5)

18 May 2010

Front and centre: A confession: I can't really concentrate on this "statue without an arm" story. Apparently there's no money to glue his arm back on? Umm. Usually, I'd find out the details, but... a certain female football fan on the cover seems to have caught my eye and made my mind go nuts!

Left: HELLO, YOUNG GODDESS! A buxom woman owned by the Toronto Argonauts looks forward to touchdowns. If her arms ever fall off, I will personally raise the money to get her some new ones! Also: maybe if I win the $30 million jackpot she'll start returning my amorous faxes....

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill may have 55 HD screens, but none of them are ever tuned to Al Jazeera. I thought this place was supposed to be a news bar?

Summary: War Man vs. Babe Man.

* (out of 5)

17 May 2010

Front and centre: The greatest sacrifice a young man can make is giving his life for his country. And when he does, the Toronto Sun will honour him by making an important connection between his death and one of the most beloved sitcoms of the 1980s.

Top: Philadelphia beat Montreal 6-0, Chicago beat San Jose 2-1, and it seems that Kim Mitchell and his wife have won the lottery. Congratulations, guys!

Bottom: Summer Chill is back. Now, if my wife would only follow suit, I'd really be in business!

Summary: I guess it could have been worse... they could have printed WHO'S THE BOSS? or ALF on the cover.

** (out of 5)

13 May 2010

Front and centre: A Toronto woman and her three brothers yell nicely at the Montreal Canadiens, who beat Pittsburgh 5-2 last night. Torontonians don't get Habs Fever very often because we tend to wear condoms when we eat smoked meat sandwiches. This may be changing.

In the top left: With $20 million dollars we could eradicate Habs Fever across the developing world.

Beneath: Unbelievable. After just one week of single life, the Hakim Optical woman is already back with you-know-who. Why? She felt sorry for him after his suicide attempt, when he swallowed a deadly cocktail of Fisherman's Friends and Sourpuss. Stay strong, sister.

Summary: Yelling men.

** (out of 5)

12 May 2010

Front and centre: It's been such a long time since we've had a scum on the cover of the Sun that I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. I'm glad to say my fears were unfounded and that Toronto is teeming with all sorts of wonderful and innovative scums! So, who is this scum? I think it's fair to say that by his build, the shape of his head and the cut of his coat this scum's name is either J.J. or Thor. Maybe he thought the Princess Margaret Hospital was a Best Buy and was under the impression that Best Buy was offering a "free computer" deal?

Top: An adorable man with a shaggy face prepares to meet his maker. Also: with $3.5 million we could put down all the scum in the GTA.

Bottom: The Theory of Reliability claims that a blue car is always in motion and that the driver is always having the time of his life.

Summary: SCUM would have been enough. But SCUM plus SLAUGHTER? That's like making love to a beautiful women and eating a falafel at the same time. Can life get any better?

**** (out of 5)

10 May 2010

Front and centre: Did you know that the City of Toronto has a secret 25-page book containing the names of elite people who are exempt from paying parking tickets? I've seen the book and here are a few of the shocking names in it:

Moe Berg
Ron James (when he's rantin' and discombobulated)
Lloyd Robertson's son Moyd
Peter Mansbridge's son Moyd
The Dream Warriors
Erica Ehm
Steven and Chris
Steven and Chris' son Moyd†
Robert Munsch (during lunch. He takes his time. He eats a bunch.)
Mary Pickford

Top: The Canadiens beat Chicago 4-1, for the love of God. Also: the $20.6 million winners are back and they've got a revolting case of spring fever. I woke up this morning to find them nude and rude on my front lawn, for the love of God.

Bottom: If my nickname were Summer Chill, I'd be back. Please help me come back.

Summary: I took the weekend off, but nothing happened around the world.

* (out of 5)

† Moyd's paternity is unclear.

6 May 2010

Front and centre: The saddest slide ride in the history of the world (and I'm not forgetting about the time Ian Curtis visited a funfair). This girl is supposedly a victim of racism? That's why we need the Sun to demand a better, more tolerant world in which people aren't persecuted because of the colour of their white skin.

The top: Boston beat Philadelphia 4-1. Also: with $15 million you could build yourself a slide like Insano in Brazil!

The bottom: Well, well, well! It seems like the Hakim Optical woman has finally dumped her deadbeat boyfriend and declared her independence. Congratulations, woman! And . . . if you ever feel lonely and need someone to talk to about glasses or lenses . . . over wine and cold cuts and some Savage Garden tunes . . . feel free to shoot me a Skype.

Summary: Insano.

**** (out of 5)

5 May 2010

Front and centre: The Sun's war against the TTC has culminated in a furious text-based cover inspired by a classic spaghetti western. Ailing women, confused seniors on buses, dimly lit subway stations with dirty stairs—the TTC is exactly like Sergio Leone's 1966 epic. Remember that scene at the beginning, where Clint Eastwood's Man with No Name boards the Dufferin bus and gets his poncho caught in the door? Chilling.

Top: Patrick Roy's son, Jonathan, is releasing his second album, Found My Way. I have an advance copy, and this thing is clogged with hits. My personal favourites are the propulsive Son of a Goalie, the reggaeton-esque My Dad (Is A Famous Goalie & I Am His Son Now) and the erotic a cappella groove of Imagine (If Patrick Roy Was Your Father, Girls). Also: the Habs have been blanked. Plus: $3.5 million is a wonderful thing for a young woman just starting out in life.

Bottom: The blue car is back, talking gibberish about something called the Theory of Reliability. Yeah, like bluey knows anything about science. He's a creationist.

Summary: Did the Sun lose the memory stick with all the pictures of buses?

** (out of 5)

4 May 2010

Front and centre: A wealthy fat man throws his possessions into the garbage. Rob Ford, mayoral candidate and Orientalist, is ecstatic that city councillors will no longer get free Metropasses, Toronto Zoo passes or tickets to the Sony Centre following a recent Canada Revenue Agency audit. Doesn't he look imposing, towering over the garbage can like some sort of intolerant Garbage Deity? Is the photographer in the garbage can? Are we? No more free ride, my friends! From now on, if Rob Ford wants to admire an elephant or a Liza Minnelli extravaganza he'll just have to pay admission like the rest of us commoners.

Top: Two lady war veterans share a laugh in Holland during a remembrance service. They are laughing because they know they are on top of a wealthy fat man throwing his possessions into the garbage. Also: $3.5 million will buy you tickets to as many Liza Minnelli concerts as you can stand. And: If throwing your possessions into the garbage were a sport, Rob Ford would be one of T.O.'s BEST athletes.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill has it all: a DJ, great food, UFC matches and the chance to win a "ladies diamond ring." It's like an orgasm you can walk around in.

Summary: The garbage can has a slimming effect on Rob Ford, wouldn't you say?

*** (out of 5)

3 May 2010

Front and centre: It's always a good day when buses make front page news. And what a nice, big pair of buses we have today, my friend! I'd definitely like to ride them at night. Can you imagine sitting down inside one of them? Just travelling around, chatting with your fellow passengers, dreaming of a better world? It would be a filthy dream come true.

The Sun is angry that the TTC spent a bunch of money installing bike racks on buses. "I can't attach my car to a bus. Why should these Lance Armstrongs be allowed to attach their queer bikes?"

The top of it: Students from Uxbridge have travelled to Ypres, Belgium in red jackets to see where their relatives died in the World Wars. This is actually how the article about them begins:

"Yep, Ypres. Eeps. Yepper. Yipers. Wipers. Yeepers. Creepers."

And the Pulitzer goes to....

Also: it's the $20.6 Million Couple, a pair of cyborgs created by the military to be different sizes.

Bottom: "It's who we are... We're Bistrodeli." I can't believe that Country Style is using Nirvana lyrics in something as crass as an advertising campaign. For shame.

Summary: If you turn off all the lights, stare into the bathroom mirror and say the phrase "bus bust" ten times in a row, the editor of the Toronto Sun will appear in the mirror and denounce you.

*** (out of 5)

1 May 2010

Front and centre: To follow the Sun's logic here, Toronto is Hell and the Gardiner is the highway that leads us into its completely filthy bowels. I guess that makes all of us demons? No wonder we never see God rollerblading down Queen Street anymore!

Top: The Habs lost 6-3 to Pittsburgh and a Russian fellow was injured on the ice. Also: anyone who studies numerology knows that $4 million is the balance of the Devil's bank account.

Bottom: Install a pool in your home. Pools come in handy during Satanic rituals because they hold so many dead souls. Plus, there's free installation right now.

Summary: Today is the first in a series of Sun covers based on popular AC/DC songs. Other covers in the series will include You Shook Me All Night Long, For Those About To Rock We Salute You and my personal favourite, Big Balls.

** (out of 5)

28 April 2010

Front and centre: "You know how everyone's always running around saying the phrase 'What the fuck?' Well, I want to do a silly parody of that phrase. And get this: I want it on the cover of my newspaper. Do any of you know anything about chickens?"

Up on the top: A cool person smokes a cigarette. No law against that, is there? There will be if city councillor Paula Fletcher's proposal to ban smoking on Toronto's athletic fields goes through. What will become of the city's Cigar Frisbee league? Also: a novella about sports. And a lottery competition.

Beneath: ♫ Blue car, you saw me standing alone/ without a car in my heart/ without a car that was blue ♫

Summary: News cock.

**** (out of 5)

27 April 2010

Front and centre: The Sun's crusade against bumbling has reached fever pitch today with the announcement that Toronto is not a first-class city. Feel the Sun's wrath! I haven't felt this ashamed since my senile grandfather told me I was a failure at spitting (I wasn't, by the way). Sure, Toronto has no Topless Colosseum, public perv floggings or Electrified Immigrant Cage, but we do have a lot of worthwhile attractions, like Historic Fort York and parts of Jarvis Street.

On the top: Jaroslav Halak is Slovak, just like my grandmother. But unlike my grandmother, he received a standing ovation last night in Montreal for almost achieving a shutout and helping force a seventh game between the Canadiens and the Capitals. So, that's Halak 1, Granny 0. Also: if I win the $3.5 million jackpot I'm totally setting up Halak with my grandmother for a Slovak date they'll never forget.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill has no Slovak delicacies on its menu. Why bother?

Summary: Second rate cover, my friends!

** (out of 5)

26 April 2010

Front and centre: Today's cover should put to bed any question over whether the Sun is controlled by the liberal Sikh-run media. Could they try to make it more obvious? Not a day goes by that the Sun isn't ramming the teachings of the ten gurus down our throats or self-righteously reminding us to steel ourselves against the Five Evils. We get it, guys. Anyway... if anyone knows of a tabloid newspaper that speaks on behalf of white Christian slobs, please let me know.

Top Right: A Sikh couple has won $20.6 million in the lottery. Coincidence?

Under: Everyone thinks it's cute when a child kisses her mother while enjoying a meal at Country Style, but when I try it with strangers I'm "arrested."

Summary: Happy Khalsa!

*** (out of 5)

25 April 2010

Front and centre: Today the Sun has humiliated Premier Dalton McGuinty by portraying him as the most hated cartoon character in Western Civilization, the injured sex bee. This follows McGuinty's introduction and hasty retraction of a new sexual education curriculum that would have taught children about the existence of genitals (and gay guys) at a slightly younger age. It would have, but religious people got such big fear-boners and made such an unsexy stink that the curriculum was shelved. On the bright side, for a brief moment we got to hear pastors and imams talk indignantly about anal intercourse and vaginal lubrication, which was a hilarious gift from God. My question: how did the cartoon sex bee get so terribly injured? Was he pelted with bibles and rocks? Or are we dealing with an intercourse-related accident? And why does he have an attaché case with the name of his job written on it? Unrealistic.

Top: The Senators are over and out, good buddies. Also: the $20.6 million winning couple is back for what seems like the 50th time. They may be rich, but they haven't changed their fancy clothes in weeks. Someone open a window in this mansion!

Bottom: "In my day, we learned about sex in the back of a blue car. May I show you an example or two?" -- Perverted Car Salesman

Summary: I'm intrigued by the Sun's decision to draw Dalton McGuinty as a bee instead of a bird. There definitely was a discussion about that....

*** (out of 5)

24 April 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is making it impossible for me to do my "job" today!

Top: Is that Henry Rollins and former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien singing an unlikely (yet amazing) duet? No! It's the swearing athletes Tie Domi and John McEnroe, and they're joining forces to play celebrity tennis and raise money for youth sports programs in Africa. So... things are looking up, Africa! Also: with $4 million, we could buy enough tennis rackets and riding lessons for all the children in Darfur.

The Bottom: How did this unfamous cartoon character get into so much debt? He can't keep his damn hands out of his pockets. Unemployable.

Summary: Let's try this again tomorrow.

** (out of 5)

23 April 2010

Front and centre: A World War I memorial has fallen into disrepair in Scarborough and (surprise, surprise) the Sun is seizing the opportunity to promote its sickening pro-arts agenda. For shame! Don't they know there are more important things in life than sculptures, paintings and beadwork? Try living in the real world for once, you big dandies.

Top: I hope Canada finally has a culture war. Here's how it will work: Justin Bieber and Ron James will be locked in a special room with nothing but two knives and a bunch of lube. The boy who comes out alive will be the new King of Ideas.

Left: Ever wondered what it would feel like to have $41 million in your mouth? The only way to find out is to buy a lottery ticket.

Bottom: Here's a dating tip for all the guys out there: why not take your sweetheart to the Fully Loaded Event? Sure, it sounds funny, but at the end of the evening you might just find that you're a husband!

Summary: I feel that today's cover is a calm before a storm....

** (out of 5)