7 October 2011

Front and centre: Hey, everybody! It's me again. Thank you.

So! It seems the Toronto Sun has chosen to celebrate Dalton McGuinty's Liberal minority win by hiring Venom's album cover designer to sprinkle some magic dust all over the darn place. A win-win situation, if ever there was one! What a phenomenal cover. Why, I can almost feel the lukewarm heat from those minority government flames on my cretinous Sun-reading face.

Let's navigate this cover together, shall we? I don't know about you, but I'm confused by the Sun's message. All I know is that it seems to involve theology and a strong belief in the afterlife. Let's decode it together, like the Hardy Boys after a few beers!

If the election of a Liberal minority government has magically transformed the province of Ontario into Hell (i.e. a place of eternal, fiery perdition ruled by the Antichrist), then what was Ontario up until yesterday, when the province was ruled by a majority Liberal government? Was Ontario some sort of terrifying "double Hell" all along without us knowing it? As a Christian and a tax payer, it better not have been. Because I don't want to live in a double Hell; I want to live in Ontario.

I admit the idea of double Hell is a bit far-fetched. So, if we weren't in double Hell, the only other place we could have been is . . . Heaven? Here's where things get intense. Fact: a minority Liberal government means that Dalton McGuinty now has less power than he did before. You'd think this would make his detractors happy, but the Sun has responded to a weakened McGuinty by declaring that now we are in Hell. So . . . does the Sun prefer a stronger McGuinty (i.e. Heaven)? Would the Sun have preferred a Liberal majority (double Heaven)? My brain is so mixed-up with theological hocus-pocus that I have to stop thinking for a few minutes and take a nice, relaxing Venom break.

Top Right: "All the riches in the world can't protect you from the horrors of Ontario. I'm from Sudbury." (Revelations 5:12)

Bottom: "Hello, this is the man who sells ads for GMC. I'm super jazzed about working with you folks at the Sun! All I ask is that you pretty-please don't associate our product with Hell or flames or the Devil or death and sin. See, we don't want people to think of death and Hell when they think of our fabulous GMC products. According to our latest demographics study, people don't want to drive a Hell car endorsed by Satan. So, we're cool? Cool. I'll take your word!"

Summary: Had Hudak won, the cover would have been a hologram of an ejaculating penis wearing a party hat.

(*****) out of 5