Front and centre: You know you've got a fantastic sporting event on your hands when you have to bribe athletes to show up. The dream is over, everybody. The only way we're getting anyone good to come to Toronto's 2015 Pan Am games is by playing MONEY GAMES (i.e. handing thick wads of cash to men in shorts). So sad. It reminds me of the time I hired a pretty girl to attend my 9th birthday party. Sure, it impressed my friends and increased my earning potential, but when the party ended and Janine asked for her wages, I felt like dying. I don't want Toronto to feel like dying.
If giving Usain Bolt a briefcase full of money is the only way we can get him to run around Toronto, than I'd prefer if he stayed in Jamaica. I mean, what are the Pan Am games about, anyway? Are they about champagne, cash and exclusive bunga bunga parties where you can change partners as often as you like? No. The Pan Am games are about obscure athletes testing themselves in the face of vast public indifference. Why must we poison this noble tradition with money?
Top: Just like they did on Seinfeld, Toronto city council has voted 38-4 to ban the possession, sale and consumption of shark fin soup. Surprisingly, mayor Rob Ford voted against the ban, saying, "No one has told me what to eat over the years so I can't really go and start telling people what to eat."
Exactly!
Also: lottery.
Bottom: Now that I can't get shark fin soup anymore, going to the Sunset Grill for supper will be a little less fun.
Summary: Usain Bolt was the funniest guy on Seinfeld. Remember "The Contest" episode? Holy smokes!
* (out of 5)
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