28 June 2010

Front and centre: Well, would you look at that! It's not every day that the cover of the Sun resembles a classic Dead Kennedys album cover. The Sun must have had a non-stop leaky boner over the weekend as life in Toronto became a li'l bit topsy-turvy and police arrested everyone in the city. I just wish that the Sun had created some sort of mini-site to document the G20 summit. Oh, wait: they did! And it's called torontosun.com/chaos which gives an indication of how eager they were for things to get 'nuff retarded.

Unsurprisingly, the Sun was indignant over the destruction of private property—especially when buxom women were effected:

"Starbucks, Swiss Chalet, American Apparel, Money Mart, all the major banks, TTC streetcars stalled by the protest, media vehicles, and the Zanzibar Tavern and its G-String Summit were all trashed."

Not in my name, Black Bloc!

Top: Now that Wind has struck out on his own and started a telecommunications company, I wonder what Earth and Fire will do with the rest of their lives? I certainly hope they continue playing funk! Also: a lottery winner holds up a thing.

The bottom: This may not have been the best day to put a car ad on the cover.

Summary: I hope Naomi Klein's next book explains the nefarious workings of the G-String Summit.

**** (out of 5)


UPDATE:

At this moment: The Sun is denouncing G20 protesters by quoting a line from Tom Petty's Into the Great Wide Open. Brutal sassing like this ought to make everyone think twice about exercising their democratic rights. I'm just glad the Sun didn't go completely nuts and call anyone a nincompoop or a ding-dong; I don't want anyone to get killed.

23 June 2010

Front and centre: Just looking at this man's shitface for a split second makes my penis retract so violently inside my body that it takes a team of surgeons—and a sorceress—to reach in and pull the darn thing out again. He'd better not steal my table at Sneaky Dee's while he's in town!

On the top: In a lot of ways, the Greek soccer team's story is as tragic as the downfall of Oedipus: the team had sex with its mother, killed its father and lost to Argentina yesterday at the World Cup. Just like Oedipus. Also: how come no one wants to win the $50 million Lotto Max jackpot? Does the jackpot smell funny? What's wrong with the jackpot?

On the bottom: Should I spend $135,000 to live in a condo in Collingwood? Certainly! Did I happen to mention that I'm retarded?

Summary: I wonder if Stephen Harper and Yo-Yo Ma will reunite to perform another duet during the G20 summit? If not, there will be riots in the streets.

* (out of 5)

22 June 2010

Front and centre: HOT STUFF! Today's cover is for all the ladies out there with a fetish for exhausted bald men sleeping in boxes. I mean . . . YOWZA! I'd try this look myself, but I don't own a mailbag or elegant shorts. RING-A-DING-DING! Am I right, ladies?

The left: The World Cup continues in South Africa. Also: Too Many Cops Week is about to kick off in Toronto. I'm willing to be teargassed and have my nose broken as long as Argentina and Japan learn to put their differences aside and agree to be buddies again. Then: a tiny woman has won the lottery. Now she can afford to get as big as she wants.

The bottom: I wonder what's more violent: watching the World Cup at the Arizona Bar & Grill or watching it in South Africa?

Summary: If you look at the picture of the "postie" from the correct angle, you can totally see the penis happen.

**** (out of 5)

18 June 2010

Front and centre: This is the guy who scared mayoral candidate Rob Ford so much that he promised to score him drugs. I don't blame Rob Ford for acting as he did: that blue bathrobe is terrifying. I hope Rob Ford is OK. I will give my life to protect Rob Ford.

Left: Mexico beat France 2-0 in yesterday's World Cup match. In an unrelated story, I chose to eat Mexican food over French food last night. So, in a way, my digestive system mirrors the World Cup. I even keep a vuvuzela beside the toilet so I can get into the spirit of things when I "score a goal." Also: I am willing to marry whoever wins the $50 million Lotto Max jackpot, provided they are 1) a total babe, 2) a drummer and 3) a van owner. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm looking for a girl with wheels to join my awful band. Or a guy.

The Bottom: The GMC Right Truck Event is here. Just like the Mayans predicted.

Summary: An interesting coincidence: I have the words I'M NO THREAT tattooed on the back of my neck. I understand that it makes young women feel safe.

** (out of 5)

17 June 2010

Front and centre: Is this a bust of Frankenstein? No, it's mayoral candidate and frequent snacker Rob Ford, and he's been caught on tape offering to buy an HIV positive man OxyContin. It's unclear if he was just humouring the man or if he was serious. Either way, the incident led to this amazing Ford quote:

“I don’t know any drug dealers ... I don’t even know what this shit — that what’s I call drugs — this shit is."

Based on that quote, I've come up with what I feel is a killer campaign slogan: "VOTE ROB FORD. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT IS."

Top: A soccer man celebrates life. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $50 million. With that kind of dough Rob Ford could score enough shit for everyone in Toronto.

Bottom: I heard a rumour that the Scandinavian Ice Goddess and False Harry Potter were caught doing it in the washroom at Hakim Optical the other day. Old Man Hakim was so angry that he exiled them to LensCrafters. Not cool.

Summary: My Christ, look at Rob Ford's face! I've never seen so much pink flesh in my life, and I grew up on a pig farm full of pigs.

*** (out of 5)

16 June 2010

Front and centre: Culture shock, indeed! A father and son have been convicted of murdering their 16-year-old daughter/sister in a brutal honour killing. As cartoon characters go, they're not nearly as fun-loving as the ones in Blondie.

Top: Ooh. The Sun is planning to launch a Fox News-style national TV news network in 2011 to "shake up" Canadian news broadcasting. Finally, my handsome racist uncle has a chance to launch his journalism career. Godspeed, uncle Giorgio! Also: we all know that Lotto Max has a $50 million jackpot, but what can you tell me about Lotto Mel? As in, Brooks?

Bottom: Foot pain? Knee joint or back pain? Call this number and Mel Brooks will heal you with his ancient funny hands.

Summary: The judge is wearing an elegant pink tie.

*** (out of 5)

15 June 2010

Front and centre: Once again, the Sun is accusing outgoing city councillor Kyle Rae of ostentatiously wasting taxpayers' money like some sort of disdainful goateed King. So, what dirt do they have on old Greedy Guts this time? Like a hog eating from a trough, Rae is planning to gorge himself on a trip to the... International AIDS Conference in Vienna. AIDS Conference? More like "Lap of Luxury Conference!" Have you ever seen an AIDS conference? They're basically gourmet raves, except that instead of a bunch of people dancing, a bunch of virologists try to cure the worst plague of our time.

Shockingly, city councillor Rob Ford is against Rae's trip. According to the Sun, the obese, buzzcutted mayoral candidate "doesn’t believe Rae’s attendance at the conference will benefit the city one iota and bets the councillor will not come back with any sort of report to council on what he learned there."

So, there we have it: the fight to cure AIDS doesn't benefit the city one iota. Good to know.

Left: Dion Phaneuf is the new Leafs captain. Also: a model from Toronto is so F.I.N.E. that she made England's goalie lose his mind at the World Cup. Plus: if I had $50 million right now, I'd buy name-brand ice cream for the rest of my life.

Beneath: The patio is now open at the Arizona Bar & Grill. The best part: the outdoor bidet.

Summary: There'd better be some bikinis on tomorrow's cover.

** (out of 5)

14 June 2010

Front and centre: Today a pretty lady is upset and things are serious. The lady in question has been kicked out of the Miss Universe Canada competition for appearing naked in an Ashley Madison ad last year, contravening the pageant's "no nudity" rule. The rule clearly states that no one is allowed to know what Miss Universe Canada's genitals look like until after the competition, or else the Universe will implode and God will be bummed forever.

Left: Germany may have humiliated Australia in yesterday's soccer match, but Australia is still kicking Germany's ass in the Dame department. Also: I am glad this tiny woman won $5.8 million. She is basically as small as a pea.

Bottom: New at Country Style: a sandwich that suits every kind of depression.

Summary: I'd like this woman to appear naked in an ad for Country Style.

** (out of 5)

11 June 2010

Front and centre: A soccer fan goes absolutely bonkers as the World Cup kicks off in South Africa. So, how "cup crazy" am I? According to the team of psychiatrists and dentists in charge of my brain, my mind is on the verge of collapsing from acute Cup Craziness, the bizarre soccer-related mental illness that runs in my family. How does Cup Craziness work? Basically, if any team scores a goal, I will become nuts, stop bathing and have no choice but to begin a new career as a homicidal deviant with Superhuman strength ("reverse Superman with a boner" is how my medical staff describe it). Other celebrities suffering from Cup Craziness include legendary reggae producer Lee "Scratch" Perry and Liza Minnelli.

The top: An ageing satyr harasses a beauty queen in the name of journalism. Also: $50 million? It looks like this week's Lotto Max is the World Cup of Money! Go Slovakia!

The bottom: Great Deal Days are here, or whatever.

Summary: Party weekend! To quote the Black Eyed Peas, "Let's get retarded! Let's get retarded, my friends!"

** (out of 5)

10 June 2010

Front and centre: Unbelievable! Last night, the Chicago Blackhawks won their first Stanley Cup in 49 years. You heard it here first, everybody: the Curse of the Bambino is over!

On the right: The best part of today's 48-page World Cup preview is the Hooligan Horoscope. I'm an Aries, and according to these astrologists, my future holds a "massive shitkicking." Also: if I win the $50 million jackpot, I will buy myself a kitchen garbage can. I really need one.

On the bottom: A Ray Charles impersonator tries to seduce False Harry Potter. Don't give in, False Harry Potter! He'll just sell your glasses for heroin.

Summary: SCREAMING BEARD!

** (out of 5)

9 June 2010

Front and centre: For the second day in a row, the Sun has excoriated Kyle Rae for throwing himself a retirement party paid for by TAXPAYERS (i.e. his impoverished Rosedale constituents). I am against this because it is the worst.

Top: In other news . . . let's all think of silly names for Stephen Harper's $2 million fake lake built especially for the G20 summit (which will cost an additional $1 billion in security)! This is an excellent, non-gay, use of tax dollars. Shame on Kyle Rae. Also: With a $50 million lottery win, we could build fake lakes all across Africa to improve women's health like crazy.

Bottom: Soccer clothes now.

Summary: If Kyle Rae has any sense of honour, he will drown himself in the fake lake and go to Hell (on his own dime).

** (out of 5)

8 June 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is furious that a wealthy gay man dined at a fancy restaurant. How could this have happened in our city? I was brought up to believe that gay guys loved eating junk food at retirement parties and I'll be damned if city councillor Kyle Rae will destroy my Precious Reality.

Left: On the opposite end of the culinary spectrum, a woman has landed herself in hot water for serving her child an illegal meal of cocaine. And I thought I was a bad cook! Also: The Lotto Max jackpot is up to $50 million. If I win it, I'm taking Kyle Rae and all the gay guys in Toronto to Popeyes for the best gay meal of their gay lives.

Beneath all the things: I can't wait to see how many world leaders I run into at the Arizona Bar & Grill during the G20 summit!

Summary: I'm hungry.

** (out of 5)

7 June 2010

Front and centre: A mysterious couple has bailed Larry David out of jail. Let's hope he can put this nasty episode behind him and get back to work on Curb!

Top: Chicago beat a team from Philadelphia 7-4 in last night's hockey game. Also: with $5.8 million, we could bail out the entire cast of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Down: On a hot day, there's nothing like dumping a nice, cold Summer Chill all over your body or the bodies of your friends.

Summary: Like squeezing blood from a shitty stone.

* (out of 5)

4 June 2010

Front and centre: Two old men are president and general manager of the Maple Leafs

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

3 June 2010

Front and centre: A man makes a halfhearted "ta-da!" gesture in front of a row dumpsters. Is this a promotional picture for an intriguing new Fringe show that's setting tongues a-wagging? No! This man is the executive director of the Greater Toronto Apartment Association, and he's happy that the city is reducing garbage collection rates for apartments and condos. Maybe he can hammer out a script over the next year for the 2011 Fringe? It can be called "Garbage Boys!" and it can use garbage collection as a metaphor for Glee.

Left: The Flyers beat the Blackhawks 4-3 last night. Also: if I win the $50 million jackpot, I'm going to go on the biggest Fringe Binge in history.

On the bottom: A Scandinavian Ice Queen tries to use discount glasses as a pretext for seducing False Harry Potter. Good luck, sister!

Summary: I've seen better Annex Gleaner covers.

* (out of 5)

2 June 2010

Front and centre:

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

1 June 2010

Front and centre: Oops! Someone accidentally published the lyrics to a Cannibal Corpse song on the cover of the newspaper. Also, I'm interested to know how most Sun readers will pronounce the word "macabre." Terrifying.

Top: Chicago's hockey team defeated the one from Philadelphia. Plus: With $50 million, we could build a Freezer Baby Dad for Freezer Baby Mom.

The bottom: My appetite is positively on fire.

Summary: Coincidentally, Freezer Baby Mom was the name of my band in high school.

***** (out of 5)