26 January 2011

Front and centre: If today's cover were a coffee, it would be of the expensive, gourmet variety and you would whisper "I love you" into its mysterious, steamy brown essence as if praying to some sort of cool, new God. Today the Sun has given us a note-perfect blend of slobbering horniness (in the guise of grandmotherly outrage) mixed with an enthusiastic plea for (what else?) a return to capital punishment. It reminds me of the covers my favourite Taliban newspaper (The Taliban Gleaner) used to run with before it got blown up. (The Taliban Gleaner's crosswords were always a hoot, by the way. Nearly every answer was: IT-IS-FORBIDDEN-BROTHER.)

"T.O's A PIMP DADDY"

According to the Sun, Toronto is a modern-day Sodom or Gomorrah, teeming with out-of-control brothels, swingers' clubs, saunas, strip joints and escort services. Even the elevator at the C.N. Tower is full of glory holes.* So, the city wants to regulate all of this debauchery and get its hands on some of the sex-money at the same time. Sounds reasonable enough, until you hear how City Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti puts it:

"You are never going to get rid of people’s sexual drives. We can pretend that we will, but we are not.”

Uh... cool. Good to know that City Council has given up on its much-publicized Human Spaying and Neutering Project.

Top: A gentleman wearing a tuxedo(?) holds out a noose. Is he trying to hang the sexy young woman beneath him? No! He's simply voicing his support for the death penalty. And why shouldn't he? It seems that two-thirds of Canadians support a return to executions. Even, shockingly, Stephen Harper.

"I, personally, think there are times where capital punishment is appropriate,” Harper told the CBC last week. And I agree. For example, if the hypothetical Prime Minister of a hypothetical country were to make a habit of playing fun, image-softening rock concerts with Yo-Yo Ma and his Ottawa work buddies, he or she should be executed in the craziest possible way all night long.

Also: play the lottery.

Beneath: Let's cut the crap: everyone needs home appliances. Even massage parlour regulars and sharply-dressed fans of Old Testament-style justice.

Summary: Sex. Death. Dishwashers.

****** (out of 5)

* This is not true.