Front and centre: Jesus! Today's cover looks like a poster for a Godzilla-type movie gone horribly, horribly wrong. I only hope that Rob Ford never figures out how to grow into an actual Japanese movie monster; just think of the trail of destruction, odours and hair he'd leave in his wake. Say what you will about Godzilla and Mothra, but at least they draw the line at destroying buildings and squishing the odd passerby. A Rob Ford of this size would produce enough methane gas in five minutes to end all life on earth—and in outer space—forever."Blindsided" is OK for an English movie poster slugline, but I prefer the one they used in Japan: "Tax-obsessed monster with red huge face cause great dishonour to Pan Am Games." The translation's a bit dodgy, but you get the idea.
Tippy Top: The Toronto Maple Leafs' senior vice-president Dave Nonis is asking fans to "chill out" while he reminds his team how to win at sports. Also: do you think I'm one of those people who would go crazy if I won the lottery? Send me your emails.
Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is just like being in the real Arizona, except the atmosphere is a tad less optimistic.
Summary: The only thing that can stop Japanese movie monster Rob Ford's rampage is a radioactively-enlarged Don Cherry. The only question you have to ask yourself is: do I really want to see two monsters suck each other off?
*** (out of 5)
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