Boxing Day

Front and centre:

Dear the Taliban,

How's it hanging? My name is Michael Balazo and I am a citizen of Canada. Usually I don't care much for your policies or tactics (e.g. poisoning that school for girls . . . whaaa?) but I am willing to put my prejudices aside and work with you if I can in any way assist you in capturing Canadian hockey icon and fashionista Don Cherry.

Mr. Cherry, or "Grape," as he is informally known, is currently in your area of the world flirting with Canadian soldiers. Here is what I'd like you to do: spare the soldiers and abduct "Grape." Once you've captured "Grape" and shuttled him to your outhouse-like headquarters, please do whatever you want with him. Seriously. Feel free to get creative, too. If you feel like rocking him or socking him, by all means, go for it, my brothers! You might also wish to consider tugging on his cravat and ass torture.

I speak for my countrymen when I say it would be a pleasure to see "Grape" scared out of his mind in a grainy hostage video on Al Jazeera. Another thing to consider: capturing and torturing "Grape" can only help to rehabilitate your notoriously cruddy image.

Wishing you a rockin' 2011,
Michael Balazo

Top: Gulliver's Travels and poker competition.

Bottom: Buy car for the sweetheart.

Summary: The cover photo reminds me of the time my grandmother posed with some lifeguards.

**** (out of 5)

14 December 2010

Front and centre: Sheesh. Yesterday we had a bullied disabled kid and today we have the weeping relative of a murder victim. Who's in charge of the Sun's covers these days––my depressed Slovak grandmother? I don't think I'm alone here when I say that the people of Toronto could use some razzle dazzle! (Or at least some pizzazz.)

Not to take away from the tragedy of this story, but what video, exactly, is the Sun offering here? Is it a murder?

The top: The Sun is encouraging its esteemed readership to storm City Hall and cheer on Rob Ford as he attempts to "crush" the city's $60 car registration tax (and not die of a massive, inevitable heart attack). Oh, to be part of that glorious mob! Just imagine the mind-bending sounds and smells! Just thinking about it makes me feel like destroying my genitals, once and for all! Also: with $40 million I could buy a new set of high-end balls.

Bottom: Who is DJing at the Arizona B-Bar & Grill on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Whoever he is, he must be really good to get such a killer weekend.

Summary: Tomorrow's cover had better not be a picture of my grandmother sighing.

* (out of 5)

13 December 2010

Front and centre: Wow! I know one ten-year-old bully who feels like a gigantic huge piece of crap today! And rightfully so. It's despicable when a powerful, mean spirited boy (or tabloid newspaper) exploits someone weaker to compensate for overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. This bodes well for us, though: if the Sun has a disabled child on the cover today, tomorrow's cover will likely feature the Hottest Woman in the World kissing a banana or buying sausages or something. These things work in cycles, sort of like civilizations and the popularity of ska.

On top: A Swears Woman is disappointed that no one is fixing up her ramshackle house. Also: a tiny man has won $15 million. Should he use his newfound wealth to fix the swearing woman's house and hire a contract killer to assassinate the ten-year-old bully? In addition: 32 pages of sports for us to deal with.

Beneath the boy: This is an X-ray of Santa's colon.

Summary: OK.

** (out of 5)

20 September 2010

Front and centre: Hey, remember that time we all elected my slob uncle as Mayor of our World Class City? It was a golden time for Hogtown (until we walled it off and bombed it). A lot of people forget exactly what Ford achieved in office, so I'll remind you!

ROB FORD'S MAYORAL ACHIEVEMENTS

• Established the annual Fat Guy Convention, which contributes over $20 billion to Toronto's slob-economy
• Created thousands of high-paying jobs for guys who forget about getting arrested for drunk driving in Florida on Valentine's Day in the 1990s
• Lowered taxes for people who get drunk at hockey games and yell until they get forcibly removed from the hockey games
• Opened a state-of-the-art, sound-proof concentration camp for gay guys and drug addicts (built with breathtaking efficiency by Orientals, who work like dogs and are slowly taking over)
• Ate all the glucose within the city limits in one sitting
• Ate all the children within the city limits in one sitting
• Smeared his own excrement along the city's bike lanes to create so-called "brown nightmares" for cyclists
• Learned to be a better father to Bart and a better husband to Marge
• Gave the key to the city to his drinking buddies
• Suffered a record-breaking 69 heart attacks while in office because he actually had no idea what he was doing
• Increased municipal spending on condiments by 58%
• Changed Toronto's name to "Calgary II"
• Made Mel Lastman look like Pierre Trudeau on a particularly witty day

The man's record speaks for itself.

On top of the abomination: The Argonauts beat the Bluebombers 17-13. Also: poker continues to fascinate.

Beneath the abomination: Country Style would like you to eat a breakfast sandwich and win a trip to Historic England. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's shittiest time machine!

Summary: Barf.

***** (out of 5)

12 August 2010

Front and centre: Oh, Dear Jesus. Is this Rob Ford's "O face?" Did the Sun actually put a picture of an ejaculating Rob Ford on the cover? (I hear that when Rob Ford ejaculates he emanates a sickly green aura.) But let's not jump to conclusions here. Perhaps he's merely being tazed or he's lost in a reverie about submerging himself in a swimming pool full of poutine and pie? That face is a physiognomist's nightmare! I've never seen so much quivering pink flesh in one place—and I'm not forgetting about the time I accidentally walked in on all my aunts changing into their bathing suits.

Incidentally, Rob Ford is outraged that city council has awarded an untendered contract to a restaurant company called "Tuggs Inc." Tuggs, everybody.

To the left: Today there's a special 12-page special on Argos cheerleaders, which is a nice antidote to seeing Rob Ford's corpulent face, my friends! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is at $50 million. Whoever wins the money should use it to build a gigantic veil to cover Rob Ford. Let's just say we're going to need a lot of fabric!

Beneath: An electropop band has decided to go shopping for eyeglasses. They're called The Worrywarts and their debut single "Weak Eyes/Strong Hearts" will be released on the last day of winter.

Summary: I think it's fair to say that today's picture of Rob Ford was not photoshopped.

***** (out of 5)

6 August 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is having a wonderful time denouncing Homegrown, a play about one of the "Toronto 18." (For those who don't remember, the Toronto 18 were a group of boys that wanted to blow up downtown Toronto, storm Parliament Hill and, most hilariously, behead Stephen Harper.) The woman on today's cover is the daughter of a 9/11 victim, and she didn't much care for Homegrown. Hmmm . . . Now that that's out of the way, I'm dying to know what she thinks of Legally Blonde The Musical. That show totally HIT HOME with me. I even let them take a picture of me frowning for the cover of Who Cares? Magazine.

Above: John Tory, the losing-est politician who ever lost

Bottom:

Summary: The best part is that no one who reads the Sun has ever actually seen a play.

(out of 5)

4 August 2010

Front and centre: A dying Roy Orbison impersonator raises her arms in exasperation after finding herself tangled in a lethal web of reusable shopping bags. Today the Sun is taking no prisoners in its assault on the 5¢ plastic bag fee charged by Toronto supermarkets and drug stores. Where, exactly, are all those nickels going? According to the Sun's exposé, the cash is being divided equally between Gay-Eco-Communists and Big Business. It's enough to make you envy the dead Roy Orbison woman—for her there's no more pain. Why, I'll bet she's up in Rock 'n' Roll Heaven right now, jamming away with Jimi and Michael Jackson to a filthy groove.

Also: the lottery jackpot is $7 million.

The top: A new Leger Marketing poll finds that a lot of Canadians think marijuana should be decriminalized or legalized and taxed. A huge surprise in a country that bases its national identity on a common love of donuts.

Beneath: We'd all better buy some life insurance, what with all these bag deaths we're having.

Summary: Am I the only one who got a phenomenal boner from looking at the cover?

**** (out of 5)