18 October 2011

Front and centre: Who is this glowing man in the space suit? Is he an actor or athlete? And what's all this "cult rape" stuff about?

The truth is, our spaceman friend is actually Jae-Gap Song, the creepy pastor at an awful-sounding Toronto Korean church. Song allegedly forced his followers to say they'd been gang raped 485 times by other members of the congregation to mask a sexual assault charge he was facing. And now those gang rape charges have been dropped. Confused? I am! Forgive me for saying so, but this story is enough to put me off Korean church for good. This is not what Korean church is supposed to be about, and you can quote me on that.

Top: The Colorado Avalanches beat the Toronto Leafs 3-2 in overtime last night. And, judging by the two sleepyheads pictured dozing on the ice, it must have been quite a strenuous game! Also: lottery.

Bottom: I think that the Arizona B-Bar & Grill needs to decide exactly what it is. Is it a pizza place? A Halloween restaurant? A dance club? A modeling agency? Because right now it looks like chaos. And that terrifies me.

Summary: Today's cover is the closest thing to a dadaist collage that the Sun has put out in a while.

*** (out of 5)

17 October 2011

Front and centre: Today's cover gave me quite a fright. My first reaction was: what is my ass tattoo doing on the front of the Toronto Sun??? Then, as I read on, I realized it was only a coincidence and that the image of the big dope leaf was related to a crime story. Basically, dope dealers are using courier companies like Purolator and FedEx to ship their dopes across Canada, right under the RCMP's noses. The Sun even included this picture, to illustrate how the dope dealers get away with it:

Now, I'm no dope dealer (thanks, mom!), but even I know that when you're shipping drugs, you don't put a big, conspicuous pot leaf on the side of the package. I mean, do you want to get caught??? And doesn't the RCMP know what that famous leaf symbol represents? As my mom would say, "For Pete's sake, it's enough to drive you to drink."

The left side: The Toronto Leafs are getting ready to play a game of hockey against the Colorado Avalanches.

Top right: A story about luck and determination.

Bottom: To me, these muffins are the real drugs. Maple walnut and pumpkin? I'm addicted! I'm gonna die with crumbs in my beard, OK?

Summary: Today's cover has a little something for everyone: dope, lottery tickets, a nice game of sports and two delicious muffins to give you energy for your busy day. It's definitely going in the spank bank.

** (out of 5)

14 October 2011

Left: RICH MAN, DEAD MAN, you know? It's all the information you need to make an informed decision. The man in question is late businessman and philanthropist Glen Davis (pictured, through no choice of his own, in a hat and glasses beside the Sun logo that threatens to devour him). In 2007, Davis was murdered mysteriously and no one could figure out who did it, or why. Then, on Wednesday, Davis' godson confessed to hiring two Russian guys to kill Davis because he couldn't pay him back a $2.5 million loan.

What this really is, then, is a case of extreme ingratitude. Listen up, all you mixed-up godsons out there: when your godfather is generous enough to lend you $2.5 million, don't hire two Russian thugs to murder him in an underground parking lot. What's that about? Were you born in a barn? There's a much easier way to show your appreciation, and it's called . . . a thank you card. Yes, a thank you card. Little things like that go a long way, and they're way easier to clean up.

Jeez Louise.

Right: Today is the last day to enter the Dreams & Discoveries lottery. From what I understand, prizes include a small girl and a big truck? I'm not much of a gambler, you see!

Summary: Have a good weekend and never trust your godchildren.

* (out of 5)

13 October 2011

Front and centre: A depraved man peeps solemnly through the window of a massage parlour, his imagination running wild. What is going on in there? he wonders. Is it something sexy? Was that a butt I just saw jiggling??? Whoever's in there sure is creepy . . .

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the man peeping through the massage parlour window is some sort of voyeuristic deviant who should be arrested immediately. It's actually city councillor and moral guardian Giorgio Mammoliti, and he's got a handjob-sized bee in his bonnet. Toronto is considering issuing hundreds of new licenses to massage and body rub parlours, and Mammoliti feels this will lead to a prostitution boom in Toronto, turning us into a veritable PIMP CITY.

For a guy who hates illicit sex so much, Mammoliti sure spends a lot of time publicly obsessing over it. He may deplore the idea of a PIMP CITY, but he's the guy who tried to create an INTERCOURSE ISLAND. Sheesh, what a complicated fella!

So, how do we deal with this plague of back room HJs, BJs, RJs and, yes, JJs that are destroying Hogtown? Mammoliti style, of course! I propose that we station a frowning, prudish European man in front of each and every window in the GTA between the hours of 9 PM and 6 AM. Funny business won't stand a chance.

Top: Another excerpt from the new book about the life and times of successful hockey player and dream-loser Mike Danton. Also: there's a $12 million jackpot. That's enough money to buy everyone in Toronto a round of handjobs.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical couple has taken advantage of the 2 for 1 deal. With the money they've saved, they can now afford to put a motion detector outside their bedroom window. You know, to keep prowlers away.

Summary: This cover is giving me a full release.

*** (out of 5)

12 October 2011

Front and centre: This is an important story for anyone who's ever suffered the indignity of losing a luggage tag in an airport. I think I speak for all of us when I ask: where are all of our tags? According to the Sun, our tags are being used by a network of criminals working at Pearson to smuggle drugs into Canada. Hmm. Don't they have drug-sniffing dogs in airports anymore? I guess the dogs are fooled by the tags, which means... the dogs can read?

HOLY SHIT.

Pearson has reading dogs on staff! Why isn't anyone talking about this?

Top: Humans and miracle dogs alike are invited to read an excerpt from a new book about Mike Danton, the hockey player who hired a hitman to kill his creepy agent. Do I smell a Governor General's award nomination? Also: If a miracle dog wins the lottery, who gets to keep the prize? If it were up to me, the dog would keep the whole thing.

Lower Portion: I once ordered breakfast at the Sunset Grill and the waitress insisted on putting my order on her Blackberry. Her Blackberry kept shutting down and I had to keep restating my order over and over again. "Scrambled eggs," I declared. "Scrambled eggs." This anecdote explains the downturn in RIMs' fortunes.

Summary: Confession: I thought today's cover was an ad for some sort of exciting theatrical re-release of the 1997 film Excess Baggage starring Alicia Silverstone and Benicio Del Toro. But it's not. It's about heroin suitcases in Toronto.

* (out of 5)

11 October 2011

Front and centre: This is sad. A grieving mother waits for justice, years after her son's senseless killing at a party. Yikes.

Tippy Top: Yet more bad news. Some sort of awful car crash, presumably filmed by the Sun. (How did they know?) Also: how am I supposed to buy a lottery ticket when I'm so bummed out by all the negativity in the universe? I am down in the dumps for sure, everybody.

Bottom: HERE WE GO!!! The storm clouds have parted and I just found a lucky penny in me mouth! Got some time on your hands? Then why not forget your troubles and head down to the weirdly-named Arizona B-Bar & Grill to enter their big modelling contest? Take a look at the prize: "WE ARE LOOKING FOR MODELS TO WIN A CONTRACT IN MILAN ON THURSDAYS - 7 - 10 P.M."

No one can be blue in Milan--it's crawling with hunks and babes. Why, I can already picture myself wearing a bathing costume and licking at a gelato!

Summary: Justice's new album Audio, Video, Disco drops October 25.

** (out of 5)

7 October 2011

Front and centre: Hey, everybody! It's me again. Thank you.

So! It seems the Toronto Sun has chosen to celebrate Dalton McGuinty's Liberal minority win by hiring Venom's album cover designer to sprinkle some magic dust all over the darn place. A win-win situation, if ever there was one! What a phenomenal cover. Why, I can almost feel the lukewarm heat from those minority government flames on my cretinous Sun-reading face.

Let's navigate this cover together, shall we? I don't know about you, but I'm confused by the Sun's message. All I know is that it seems to involve theology and a strong belief in the afterlife. Let's decode it together, like the Hardy Boys after a few beers!

If the election of a Liberal minority government has magically transformed the province of Ontario into Hell (i.e. a place of eternal, fiery perdition ruled by the Antichrist), then what was Ontario up until yesterday, when the province was ruled by a majority Liberal government? Was Ontario some sort of terrifying "double Hell" all along without us knowing it? As a Christian and a tax payer, it better not have been. Because I don't want to live in a double Hell; I want to live in Ontario.

I admit the idea of double Hell is a bit far-fetched. So, if we weren't in double Hell, the only other place we could have been is . . . Heaven? Here's where things get intense. Fact: a minority Liberal government means that Dalton McGuinty now has less power than he did before. You'd think this would make his detractors happy, but the Sun has responded to a weakened McGuinty by declaring that now we are in Hell. So . . . does the Sun prefer a stronger McGuinty (i.e. Heaven)? Would the Sun have preferred a Liberal majority (double Heaven)? My brain is so mixed-up with theological hocus-pocus that I have to stop thinking for a few minutes and take a nice, relaxing Venom break.

Top Right: "All the riches in the world can't protect you from the horrors of Ontario. I'm from Sudbury." (Revelations 5:12)

Bottom: "Hello, this is the man who sells ads for GMC. I'm super jazzed about working with you folks at the Sun! All I ask is that you pretty-please don't associate our product with Hell or flames or the Devil or death and sin. See, we don't want people to think of death and Hell when they think of our fabulous GMC products. According to our latest demographics study, people don't want to drive a Hell car endorsed by Satan. So, we're cool? Cool. I'll take your word!"

Summary: Had Hudak won, the cover would have been a hologram of an ejaculating penis wearing a party hat.

(*****) out of 5