7 July 2010

Front and centre: Hooray! WANKER! WANKER! right beneath the Queen! What's happening here? Have Irish rebels seized control of the Toronto Sun and insulted the British Monarchy? Sadly, no. The wanker in question is not Her Majesty The Queen, but Jean-Daniel Lafond, the Governor General's "hubby." Lafond (a French Canadian Larry David lookalike) has caused a stir because he didn't want the Queen staying at Rideau Hall while she was in Ottawa last week. I sympathize with Lafond's reluctance to let the Queen sleep in his house: Ma'am doesn't do the dishes, she gives you bedbugs and she leaves a revolting trail of used condoms and lube spills around the house, as if she were Billy in a hellish Family Circus "dotted-line" comic strip. Who needs the headache? In the end, the Queen stayed at Rideau Hall anyway. The building is currently being fumigated and the floor is being replaced.

NOTE: Today's WANKER! story is an exclusive, as the banner in the upper right-hand corner makes clear. No other newspaper will be covering this WANKER! story today.

To the left of WANKER!: A Dutch prostitute wields a vuvuzela to celebrate the Netherlands' 3-2 victory over Uruguay yesterday. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $43 million. With money like that, you could take all the hookers in Holland on a date.

Beneath WANKER!: An ad for swimming pools. Speaking of swimming pools, you don't want to know what the Governor General and her husband found floating in their pool after the Queen used it. Propriety forbids me from going into too much detail, but I can at least confirm it was in the turd family....

Summary: This cover is so good you could eat off of it.

******* (out of 5)