7 November 2011

Front and centre: Behold the glorious $1 billion Pan-Am athletes village. This is where more than 10,000 non-famous Pan American athletes will eat supper together during the 2015 Pan-Am games. Each building has been designed for a specific mouth-watering dish (e.g. the building on the far left is the Pizza Building, while that brownish one is for cookies and cakes and all sorts of silly stuff).

Congratulations, athletes... supper is almost ready!

Top: A sombre, bepoppied Toronto Sun logo gently directs the eye toward an angry stripper. The stripper is unhappy because Niagara Region (?) wants to start fingerprinting its strippers before giving them licenses. Strippers are against the idea, but authorities say the fingerprints will help them keep underage strippers out of the biz.

I don't know where I stand on this one. All I know is that looking at stripper fingerprints isn't nearly as sexy as looking at real strippers. Let me show you what I mean. Here are some fingerprints I took from my favourite dancers over the weekend:

(Kristy - semi-topless)

(Genie - sliding down a pole in a sexy fashion)

(Latitia - I dont think I have to explain what she's doing here!)

Do these seem sexy to you?

Also: An old Italian man has struck it rich. Could a nice, new pair of slacks be in his future?

Bottom: Country Style is selling all sorts of healthful goops these days.

Summary:

* (out of 5 of them)

4 November 2011

Front and centre: It looks like we've got a poppy box-stealing epidemic on our hands, friends. Yesterday's big story was about a scum/lowlife who stole a poppy box from a Pizza Nova. Today the world woke up to learn that the disease has spread west to Hamilton, where a bandit has been snatching poppy boxes from Tim Hortons outlets.

First a Pizza Nova and now a Horto's? What's next: Manchu Wok? New York Fries? Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits? No fucking way. My uncles didn't fight the Nazis so that this type of thing could happen in restaurants. No wonder that war vet's widow is so down in the dumps.

So, how do we stop criminals from stealing all the poppy boxes? I think I have the perfect solution. Today I'm going to visit all the fast food places in the GTA and replace the real poppy boxes with decoys, each one of which will contain a brand new iPhone 4S. After a criminal strikes, I will call the iPhone and inform the piece of human filth that he is a first-class fool. (Just imagine the look on the criminal's face when he realizes he's been had!) As for the real poppy boxes, they'll be safe and sound in my apartment where no one can ever get to them.

It's the only way.

Top: Yet more thieving. Someone has stolen Harold Ballard's Stanley Cup ring. How dare they. Harold Ballard died in a war for us. Also: lottery?

Car ad: The perfect getaway car for an evening of burnin' and lootin'.

Summary: Sure poppies are beautiful, but you're not supposed to take the whole darn box. A little self-restraint, everybody.

** (out of 5)

3 November 2011

Front and centre: Look, everybody... a scum! This gentleman was caught on camera stealing a poppy box from a Pizza Nova on the Queensway. Pretty low, huh? What is this country coming to when our soldiers get disrespected in pizzerias? Doesn't this young thief know anything about Canadian military tradition? Why did our grandpas bother shooting Hitler if this is what they get in return?

You know, this disgraceful crime reminds me of John McRae's famous poem:

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

And a scum in a coat steals

The poppy box on the Pizza Nova counter

Right by the pepper flakes.

Shit. What a lowlife.

Try the Hawaiian slice

It's my favourite one, I think!

How did John McRae know all this would happen?

Top: Toronto's Leafs roughed up the New Jersey Devils' goalie Martin Brodeur last night, then defeated the Devils 5-3. Also: Friday's Lotto Max jackpot is $40 million. If I won that much money, I'd be, like,"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????"

Below: I'm in a bit of a bind, everybody. See, I'm head over heels for both of these goddesses in glasses, but I can only pop the question to one. To make things worse, if I don't do it tonight, their daddy's gonna kill me! Should I pick Cynthia, with her long-flowing blonde hair and interesting skin? Or Tamara, with her big hands and impressive DJ skills? Argh! Sometimes I hate being Michael Balazo.

Summary: "Officers are warning the public to be on the lookout for a suspicious man wearing more poppies than you would expect."

*** (out of 5)

2 November 2011

Front and centre: What better way to celebrate the miracle of Wednesday than by putting a dead woman with tax problems on the front page of the news? Here's what's up: this woman got caught up in a Revenue Canada mistake, passed away and now her son has to pay the interest on that mistake, even though it was Revenue Canada's fault. It's a classic story of bureaucracy gone mad, with a hint of the supernatural thrown in for good measure. And it's a SUN EXCLUSIVE. No other paper in the world will be reporting on this story today. For some reason, you can only read it in the SUN. So, get reading, because . . .

IT'S THE NEWS

Top: Today is a super sad day for Chinese smugglers. No, not because they've got a nasty case of the Beijing Blues, but because the RCMP has busted a Chinese smuggling ring, keeping false Chinese cigarettes and Chinese drugs off our streets. Sigh. If I see a Chinese smuggler today, do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna smuggle the guy some positive vibes. And do you know how I'm gonna do it? By giving that Chinese knucklehead a great big hug! Also: lottery.

Bottom: A pretty woman holds a glass of orange juice to her forehead. Must be breakfast time.

Summary: Today's cover is a major disappointment. They should have ran with a more exciting story. Something about, oh, I don't know... a dirty deacon? Ah, forget it.

* (out of 5)

1 November 2011

Front and centre: Please allow me to introduce Dr. Charles Smith, a former child forensic pathologist who worked at the Hospital for Sick Children. This guy used to perform autopsies on children, until people found out that--yikes!--he didn't really know how to do autopsies very well. In fact, he was the worst man in the autopsy biz! Thanks to his incompetence, a bunch of innocent people went to jail and his medical license was revoked. Anyway, Dr. Charles Smith is on the cover of the news today because, for some reason, he was invited to give a talk at a high school in Picton last Friday. (WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR SCHOOLS???) His talk was on the subject of "DNA," but it seems like a more fitting topic would have been "Screwing Up Autopsies For Your Whole Career." Know what I mean? Jeez. When I was in high school, all we had was a motivational speaker who played guitar with his feet and told us to follow our hearts. Times have changed, my friends!

Top: It's the Toronto Sun's 40th birthday today. To celebrate this milestone, the Sun has invited its original squad of Sunshine Girls (now in their 60s and early 70s) to pose again in a series of super sexy "Where Are They Now?" pictures. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is now offering Beers of the World. I don't know about this. Isn't Molson Ex good enough anymore? I liked the Arizona B-Bar & Grill back in the old rough and tumble days when it didn't cater to sophisticates and dandies from abroad.

Summary: "Who wants to hear a story about the silliest autopsy I ever did?"

** (out of 5)

Halloween of 2011

Front and centre: Today's top story comes from Canada's most terrifying area... Haaammmillllton. A mother and her twins are suicidal because the principal of their Catholic school has banned Halloween costumes. Why? "Safety and security" concerns and a fear that Halloween costumes will take away from instructional time. Instead, kids are encouraged to wear orange and black clothes. It's like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe story, it is.

And take a look at the mother's dejected face! Holy smokes. Where have I seen that expression before? She looks like she just found out that her family is to be slaughtered at dusk. I guess it's true what they say about Hamilton mothers: they're sad about Halloween changes!

This is just the kind of story the Sun loves: the tale of an overly-cautious public servant so drunk with politically correct power that she ruins the children's fun. Cue the indignant, anti-Muslim (?) and ghoulishly misspelled comments from Sun Readers:

Ron Aitken:

"Slowly but surely, everything we hold dear is fading into the past in the name of political correctness."

answell:

"If you parent`s let this leftwing pinko, pretending to be a principle,get away with this it will be your own fault. Remember,you are her BOSS and she is your SERVANT. You give her the honour of serving you in private property owned by the taxpayer. All of you parent`s,put her in her place which, who an employee, and send your children to school in their costume`s. Defy her to try and refuse them entry in to private property of the taxpayer which you parents are part owner`s. Teach this leftwing N.D.P. pinko lesson"

And, as a spectacularly incoherent grand finale:

IJustGotToBeMe:

"Fcuking muslims. Stupid teachers and principals. Stupid government. Islam is a disease. It is a cancer and should be eradicated. Hope allah chokes on a bacon sandwich. Thanks in advance for removing my post."

Well, then! How did we get here? Let me work it out using some old-fashioned Halloween math:

CATHOLIC SCHOOL + COSTUME BAN + HAMILTON = BLAME THE MUSLIMS?

I'll have to double-check my work there, but it seems accurate.

Top: The Buffalo Bills beat the Washington Redskins 23-0 at a football game held in Toronto's special dome. Also: an Italian man has become as rich as he wants!

Bottom: I suggest you head to Country Style for some yogurt smoothies, mixed berry parfaits and oatmeal pronto. You know . . . before the Muslims make us get rid of them.

Summary: Devil and hockey player.

*** (out of 5)

28 October 2011

Front and centre: This story just keeps getting better. Rob Ford (the celebrated coach of the Don Bosco Eagles) has denied a CBC report claiming he called 911 dispatchers "bitches" and said “Don’t you fucking know? I’m Rob fucking Ford, the mayor of this city!” What he doesn't deny is that he was scared shitless to find Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. (Note: I've seen this character, and it scared my pants off.)

We all know that 911 is for emergencies. It's meant to save people from dying. This means that Rob Ford called 911 because he felt that his very life (and the life of his invisible daughter) was threatened by Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. So, here's the important question no one is asking in all of this: is Mary Walsh capable of murdering a father and his daughter in broad daylight?

Now, I don't know the woman personally, so I can't speak to that (though my gut says "yes"). All I know is that I share Rob Ford's Walsh phobia. Would I call 911 if I found Mary Walsh on my property? God yes. What you're forgetting is that I'm the kind of guy who calls 911 when Mary Walsh appears on my TV screen, or pops into my imagination unbidden. And this is because I associate the sight of Mary Walsh with the thought of my own death.

So, while I'm no fan of mayor Rob Ford, I can understand how petrified he was to find himself face to face with Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty.

Top: A surprised man (Sun Media CEO Pierre Karl Peladeau) is demanding the CBC reveal how it spends its annual budget. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Car?

Summary: Rob Ford is sporting that "exhausted Brian Dennehy" look today.

** (out of 5)