Front and centre: It looks like we've got a poppy box-stealing epidemic on our hands, friends. Yesterday's big story was about a scum/lowlife who stole a poppy box from a Pizza Nova. Today the world woke up to learn that the disease has spread west to Hamilton, where a bandit has been snatching poppy boxes from Tim Hortons outlets.First a Pizza Nova and now a Horto's? What's next: Manchu Wok? New York Fries? Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits? No fucking way. My uncles didn't fight the Nazis so that this type of thing could happen in restaurants. No wonder that war vet's widow is so down in the dumps.
So, how do we stop criminals from stealing all the poppy boxes? I think I have the perfect solution. Today I'm going to visit all the fast food places in the GTA and replace the real poppy boxes with decoys, each one of which will contain a brand new iPhone 4S. After a criminal strikes, I will call the iPhone and inform the piece of human filth that he is a first-class fool. (Just imagine the look on the criminal's face when he realizes he's been had!) As for the real poppy boxes, they'll be safe and sound in my apartment where no one can ever get to them.
It's the only way.
Top: Yet more thieving. Someone has stolen Harold Ballard's Stanley Cup ring. How dare they. Harold Ballard died in a war for us. Also: lottery?
Car ad: The perfect getaway car for an evening of burnin' and lootin'.
Summary: Sure poppies are beautiful, but you're not supposed to take the whole darn box. A little self-restraint, everybody.
** (out of 5)
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