26 October 2011

Front and centre: You know you've got a fantastic sporting event on your hands when you have to bribe athletes to show up. The dream is over, everybody. The only way we're getting anyone good to come to Toronto's 2015 Pan Am games is by playing MONEY GAMES (i.e. handing thick wads of cash to men in shorts). So sad. It reminds me of the time I hired a pretty girl to attend my 9th birthday party. Sure, it impressed my friends and increased my earning potential, but when the party ended and Janine asked for her wages, I felt like dying.

I don't want Toronto to feel like dying.

If giving Usain Bolt a briefcase full of money is the only way we can get him to run around Toronto, than I'd prefer if he stayed in Jamaica. I mean, what are the Pan Am games about, anyway? Are they about champagne, cash and exclusive bunga bunga parties where you can change partners as often as you like? No. The Pan Am games are about obscure athletes testing themselves in the face of vast public indifference. Why must we poison this noble tradition with money?

Top: Just like they did on Seinfeld, Toronto city council has voted 38-4 to ban the possession, sale and consumption of shark fin soup. Surprisingly, mayor Rob Ford voted against the ban, saying, "No one has told me what to eat over the years so I can't really go and start telling people what to eat."

Exactly!

Also: lottery.

Bottom: Now that I can't get shark fin soup anymore, going to the Sunset Grill for supper will be a little less fun.

Summary: Usain Bolt was the funniest guy on Seinfeld. Remember "The Contest" episode? Holy smokes!

* (out of 5)

25 October 2011

Front and centre: Yikes! What's going on with Rob Ford's face here? Why is he wearing that I've-been-creepin'-'round-the-bushes-outside-teacher's-house-and-I-left-him--nasty-surprise look? I want this man strip searched and jailed. On second thought... let's skip the strip search.

Last night city council voted 26-16 to privatize garbage collection west of Yonge Street, much to the chagrin of "lefty councillors." (You know, kooks?) Rob Ford is, of course, ecstatic about this. And the Sun chose to celebrate this ideological victory by photoshopping a picture of Rob Ford standing in front of a pile of garbage bags and grinning like a simpleton. Take that, unionized workers! The Mayor of Toronto, with a wave of his beautiful hand, has transformed you into trash!

Top: York region transit workers are on strike, effectively cutting off Richmond Hill and Markham from civilization. If anyone in York region can hear me, please shoot a flare. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill's ads are increasingly looking like the to-do lists of an indecisive party animal with the shortest attention span in the world. So many, many choices!

Summary: Here's a fun game: take a good look at Rob Ford's face and make up a sound that matches his expression. Mine is a barely audible and breathy "aaeeeaee aeeaeee aeeea..."

**** (out of 5)

24 October 2011

Front and centre: Just in time for Halloween, the Sun is scaring our sock off with tales of municipal bureaucracy gone absolutely berserk. It seems that damage claims made to the city are being ignored and no one is getting compensated when potholes destroy their cars. It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

But it doesn't end at potholes. The woman pictured has a flooded basement thanks to faulty city pipes. No wonder she looks so fed up! No wonder she's gazing wistfully at Christ in Heaven. Maybe Christ will help her mop up her swampy basement, like some sort of supernatural janitor?

It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

Top: The spookiness continues. Michael Buble is "coming clean" with the publication of Onstage Offstage, a memoir that tells the inspiring story of how he found a way—against all odds—to entertain middle-aged women by singing like Frank Sinatra. It's sort of like 8 Mile, except with less rap battles and guns and more crooning of sweet nothings. The Sun' s interview with Buble touches on his apparently notorious temper (he's a puncher and a swearer). Buble explains his hotheadedness by quoting his grandfather's advice: "If there's sunshine I don't mind kissing someone's ass. But if they poop on my face, they're dead." Chilling. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Michael Buble's talk of "kissing asses" and "pooping on faces" has ruined my appetite for these beautiful muffins. Fuck you, Michael Buble. Thanks to your depraved scatological musings I'm going to be hungry all day.

Summary: I'm dressing up as a man with a wet basement for Halloween.

*** (out of 5)

21 October 2011

Front and centre: This is clearly the big international news story today. All over the world, from Africa to Washington, people are talking about just one thing: a Toronto crack addict who let her kids get dirty—no, filthy. Why, the youngsters even had cocaine in their hair, which leads me to believe that this woman was not only a drug addict, but also a butterfingers. Thankfully, NATO intervened and this woman has been destroyed.

Top: Some guy passed away. Also: the Sun is angry at the CBC because "taxpayers" have no say in how it spends its $1.1 billion budget. Good point. When you think about it, the CBC is pretty alienating to the average Canadian, what with its complete lack of sports programming and its puzzling, avant garde comedies (watching an episode of the Ron James Show is a mind-frying experience akin to "flying on the ground"). It's wrong for the CBC to cater exclusively to weirdos and radicals. Give us some British soap operas, for fuck's sake! As taxpayers, we have the right to watch red-faced people dressed in rags drink beer for fifty years. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Buy a red thing! Or a black one.

Summary: Say what you will about Gadhafi, but he never spilled crack near the children.

** (out of 5)

20 October 2011

Front and centre: Well, with teeth like that, I wouldn't blame hell for showing this knucklehead the door. I mean, there is such a thing as too many lollipops, sir! Let's see how much laughing you'll do after gingivitis pulls a drive-by on your mouth.

But! Let's take a break from all this joking and tooth talk, 'cause this cover has all sorts of problems. This is an awful story, for sure. But defining a black guy charged with multiple murders as a "rapper" because he made one rap video will only further confuse Sun readers into thinking that all black people are rappers, and that all rappers are violent criminals. This kind of crazy worldview is almost enough to make you think that the Sun is put together by a bunch frightened, bigoted old men. Which clearly isn't the case.

And is rapping really this man's defining quality? We all do lots of things during our lives. Which one thing defines us? It's true that I played trombone in my high school's marching band. Yet, were I to be arrested for murder next week, I'd be shocked if the headlines read:

PROFESSIONAL TROMBONIST BUTCHERS SEVERAL

POLICE FEAR HE MAY BE SLOVAK

Top: A new report from this lady standing in front of a bouquet of microphones finds that the city's roads are full of potholes and our sewers are stanky. Also: the lottery continues to operate.

Bottom: Are these two blonde women friends, sisters or clones? Who cares, as long as they get a great deal on spectacles.

Summary: Gadzooks!

*** (out of 5)

19 October 2011

Front and centre: Today's top story involves captive animals, Spanish men and the no-holds-barred world of intergovernmental haggling. Basically, Toronto can't afford to run the zoo anymore. (All those lazy animals looking for handouts? Get a job, losers!) In September, city council issued a call for bidders interested in buying our gently-used zoo and Spanish company Parques Reunidos (the world's third-largest operator of leisure attractions) showed interest. Here's where the WILD IDEA comes into play: the zoo doesn't want to become part of the Parques Reunidos family, so it has asked Parks Canada to buy it. The only trouble is, Parks Canada? He don't wanna buy!

TIP OF THE DAY: The Spanish word for zebra is cebra.

Top: The Toronto Leafs are "takin' on the 'Peg." All those devil-may-care apostrophes can only mean one thing: whoever wrote this headline was completely relaxed. Also: 2 for 1 lottery.

Bottom: In Spain, breakfast is called el desayuno, and it's the smallest meal of the day.

Summary: Guh.

♫ (out of 5)

18 October 2011

Front and centre: Who is this glowing man in the space suit? Is he an actor or athlete? And what's all this "cult rape" stuff about?

The truth is, our spaceman friend is actually Jae-Gap Song, the creepy pastor at an awful-sounding Toronto Korean church. Song allegedly forced his followers to say they'd been gang raped 485 times by other members of the congregation to mask a sexual assault charge he was facing. And now those gang rape charges have been dropped. Confused? I am! Forgive me for saying so, but this story is enough to put me off Korean church for good. This is not what Korean church is supposed to be about, and you can quote me on that.

Top: The Colorado Avalanches beat the Toronto Leafs 3-2 in overtime last night. And, judging by the two sleepyheads pictured dozing on the ice, it must have been quite a strenuous game! Also: lottery.

Bottom: I think that the Arizona B-Bar & Grill needs to decide exactly what it is. Is it a pizza place? A Halloween restaurant? A dance club? A modeling agency? Because right now it looks like chaos. And that terrifies me.

Summary: Today's cover is the closest thing to a dadaist collage that the Sun has put out in a while.

*** (out of 5)