Wednesday, November 9, 2011

9 November 2011

Front and centre: Take one look at today's cover and you can forget about having an ordinary old Wednesday! First of all, the newspaper is swearing at us. (When's the last time the Globe & Mail or Ian Hanomansing swore at you? "Tonight's top story: fuck you.") Secondly, if you examine the photograph in the centre of the page, you'll note that a mysterious figure appears to be offering a candy apple to a jack-o'-lantern--which is crazy! I mean, is this some sort of twisted satanic ritual? Should we all start praying to our God and getting our affairs in order?

But let's all take a deep breath. Before we do anything we regret, let's try and make sense of all this chaos and ass-swearing.

A man in Oshawa (where I spent my famous teen years) has been targeted by youths for not giving out candy on Halloween. (A little back-story: the former owners of this man's house were famous for giving out candy apples.) Well, the children of Oshawa were so angry about the lack of sticky apples in their pillow cases that they left a sternly-worded note in the man's mailbox, warning him not to skip Halloween next year. At the very least, the kids want chocolate bars. How presumptuous. You know what these kids remind me of? They remind me of CANDY ASSES.

What a scoop!

Left: A dignified, poppy-decorated Toronto Sun logo evokes the memory of all the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Except for the gay ones, I assume? Also: the Toronto Maple Leafs failed their hockey game last night and were defeated 5-1 by Florida's Panthers. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Eggs.

Summary: In my day, Oshawa children didn't write notes when they were angry--they expressed their displeasure by taking a dump on your doorstep, like men.

*** (out of 5)

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