16 November 2011

Front and centre: Look at this drug-addicted communist shouting at his meth dealer through a stolen bullhorn. (That's what's going on here, right?) Disgusting. Like me, the Sun hates this man, and hates how Superior Court Justice David Brown has ordered the city of Toronto to stop evicting people occupying St. James Park until he can determine whether doing so would violate their Charter rights. This is how they described the scene in St. James Park after the order came down:

"The mood was of smug jubilance among the occupiers in the park following the announcement of Brown's ruling."

Smug jubilance? Charter rights? It's like Trudeau's ghost has taken a big, stinky dump in Toronto's nicest park.

Top: The Leafs Hockey Team suffered a 3-2 shootout loss to the Phoenix Coyotes team. Also: sounds like the Leafs should give up on hockey and concentrate on winning this week's $30,000,000 Lotto 6/49 jackpot!

Bottom: Who is this Sunset Grill lady and why is she so happy? Don't tell me she's on crystal meth now! No wonder my eggs tasted so sketchy.

Summary: Awful. Why can't The Sun run more stories like this?

* (out of 5)

14 November 2011

Front and centre: Today's big headline manages to combine a deep-seated hatred of art with a humorous heart failure pun.* Toronto's ART FAILURE is Dawes Crossing, a $400,000 sculpture that will beautify(?) the corner of Dawes Road and Victoria Park Avenue. The Sun is upset that "taxpayers" are footing the bill for something as supergay as a sculpture and would prefer to see that money spent on something less supergay, like... daycare? Hold on a minute. Since when does the Sun care about daycare? Isn't daycare some sort of Soviet-style communist thingy that teaches kids to be lazy and drink juice instead of making them prove their worth in the marketplace? Down with the nanny state.

Top: Hey, Steve! (It's my friend Steve Scholtz.) I didn't know you were living in L.A. now. The clinical drug trials must have paid off. I went to L.A. once. Had a good time. While I was there I saw a gentleman get his head bashed against the hood of a car in front of Rodney Dangerfield's star on the Walk of Fame. Let's just say that the gentleman in question didn't get no respect! Also: the old Italian man has still won the lottery...

Bottom: So it's come to this. Country Style is selling oatmeal and Tim Hortons is selling espresso. Where's a scumbag supposed to get a shitty breakfast and a cup of hot mud these days?

Summary:

* (out of 5)

* Heart failure is a condition that hospitalizes 54,333 Canadians each year.

11 November 2011

Front and centre: The Occupy Toronto protest is nearly a month old and Sun columnist Joe Warmington is losing his shit in the most hilarious way possible: by hysterically citing the number of city bylaw infractions the protesters are committing in St. James Park, like the worst grandma in the world. I don't want to alarm anybody, but flowers and fungus are possibly being injured. Unauthorized picnics are happening. Rumours have circulated that people are swearing and being irreverent. What is this... Mogadishu? How can one city handle so much chaos and anarchy??? I'm so upset that I nearly smashed my tea cup against the settee.

Warmington is particularly outraged by the presence of a native sacred fire in the park, warning that the protest "is starting to have a Caledonia feel to it." Nice. Way to stick it to those darn Indians for always causing trouble by standing up for their land rights and stuff. Fools!

Ticket away, Toronto. I'm pretty sure our soldiers didn't fight wars so that people could peacefully protest in public spaces.

Top: Lest we forget. Also: remember to buy your lotto MAX tickets.

Bottom: Win a Chevy Equinox and drive your sweetheart somewhere special for the weekend.

Summary: "Every great revolution begins with an unauthorized picnic. How's the bean salad?" -- Che Guevara & Gandhi

* (out of 5)

10 November 2011

Front and centre: It's Remembrance Day Eve, everybody! Tonight's the night that Remembrance Man flies down our chimneys in his magic drone, has sex with a woman dressed up as Stephen Harper and shamelessly evokes the memory of dead soldiers to make the idea of spending billions of dollars on fighter jets, nuclear submarines and War of 1812 commemorations seem excellent. And then we feed him Oreos.

Thank you. And now... the cover, or whatever.

A pair of Canadian World War II veteran brothers are in an expensive pickle because an American insurance company is refusing to pay their $233,613.55 Ontario hospital bill. Yikes! You know what? I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think that these insurance companies? They might not be run by nice men. In fact, they might be run by dishonest gentlemen. Is that bad?

Top: Leafs goalie Jonas Gustavsson is having some trouble with his pipes. I've been there, buddy! Here's a tip for you: try eating more fruit. Cleans you right out. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Just a couple of ladies buying some glasses. Nothing to see here, you silly boys!

Summary: "Hey, you remember that TV miniseries called Band of Brothers? Well, I've got a crazy idea for a headline based on that show. The twist? It involves wordplay . . ."

* (out of 5)

9 November 2011

Front and centre: Take one look at today's cover and you can forget about having an ordinary old Wednesday! First of all, the newspaper is swearing at us. (When's the last time the Globe & Mail or Ian Hanomansing swore at you? "Tonight's top story: fuck you.") Secondly, if you examine the photograph in the centre of the page, you'll note that a mysterious figure appears to be offering a candy apple to a jack-o'-lantern--which is crazy! I mean, is this some sort of twisted satanic ritual? Should we all start praying to our God and getting our affairs in order?

But let's all take a deep breath. Before we do anything we regret, let's try and make sense of all this chaos and ass-swearing.

A man in Oshawa (where I spent my famous teen years) has been targeted by youths for not giving out candy on Halloween. (A little back-story: the former owners of this man's house were famous for giving out candy apples.) Well, the children of Oshawa were so angry about the lack of sticky apples in their pillow cases that they left a sternly-worded note in the man's mailbox, warning him not to skip Halloween next year. At the very least, the kids want chocolate bars. How presumptuous. You know what these kids remind me of? They remind me of CANDY ASSES.

What a scoop!

Left: A dignified, poppy-decorated Toronto Sun logo evokes the memory of all the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Except for the gay ones, I assume? Also: the Toronto Maple Leafs failed their hockey game last night and were defeated 5-1 by Florida's Panthers. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Eggs.

Summary: In my day, Oshawa children didn't write notes when they were angry--they expressed their displeasure by taking a dump on your doorstep, like men.

*** (out of 5)

8 November 2011

Front and centre: Did you know that Rob Ford wasn't a big fan of unions? I know! Holy shit--this man is just one jaw-dropping surprise after another. I can't believe it! Call me an insane guy, but I just assumed he was a big fat socialist. What are we going to learn next--he hates vegetables? He doesn't like soca music? He's not a big Atom Egoyan fan? I mean, really! How does he keep track of himself?

Anyway, Ford's administration wants city workers to give up the employment security clause that guarantees them "jobs for life." Once this happens, all city workers will be fired and their jobs will be contracted out to one astonishingly productive Jamaican nanny.

Top: A poppy of remembrance. Also: the Toronto Leafs are gearing up for a little bit of hockey. Also: 8 pages in sports? 8 pages of what? Also: $17 million.

Bottom: You mean I can watch Pacquiao vs. Marquez and eat the best steaks in town all in the same building near the airport? I feel like I've died and gone near the airport.

Summary: ♪

H (out of 5)

Guys. My friend Pat Thornton is doing 24 hours of stand-up comedy to raise money to fight AIDS in Africa. Check it out here, watch him live at the Comedy Bar, make a donation, send him a joke, do the thing.

7 November 2011

Front and centre: Behold the glorious $1 billion Pan-Am athletes village. This is where more than 10,000 non-famous Pan American athletes will eat supper together during the 2015 Pan-Am games. Each building has been designed for a specific mouth-watering dish (e.g. the building on the far left is the Pizza Building, while that brownish one is for cookies and cakes and all sorts of silly stuff).

Congratulations, athletes... supper is almost ready!

Top: A sombre, bepoppied Toronto Sun logo gently directs the eye toward an angry stripper. The stripper is unhappy because Niagara Region (?) wants to start fingerprinting its strippers before giving them licenses. Strippers are against the idea, but authorities say the fingerprints will help them keep underage strippers out of the biz.

I don't know where I stand on this one. All I know is that looking at stripper fingerprints isn't nearly as sexy as looking at real strippers. Let me show you what I mean. Here are some fingerprints I took from my favourite dancers over the weekend:

(Kristy - semi-topless)

(Genie - sliding down a pole in a sexy fashion)

(Latitia - I dont think I have to explain what she's doing here!)

Do these seem sexy to you?

Also: An old Italian man has struck it rich. Could a nice, new pair of slacks be in his future?

Bottom: Country Style is selling all sorts of healthful goops these days.

Summary:

* (out of 5 of them)

4 November 2011

Front and centre: It looks like we've got a poppy box-stealing epidemic on our hands, friends. Yesterday's big story was about a scum/lowlife who stole a poppy box from a Pizza Nova. Today the world woke up to learn that the disease has spread west to Hamilton, where a bandit has been snatching poppy boxes from Tim Hortons outlets.

First a Pizza Nova and now a Horto's? What's next: Manchu Wok? New York Fries? Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits? No fucking way. My uncles didn't fight the Nazis so that this type of thing could happen in restaurants. No wonder that war vet's widow is so down in the dumps.

So, how do we stop criminals from stealing all the poppy boxes? I think I have the perfect solution. Today I'm going to visit all the fast food places in the GTA and replace the real poppy boxes with decoys, each one of which will contain a brand new iPhone 4S. After a criminal strikes, I will call the iPhone and inform the piece of human filth that he is a first-class fool. (Just imagine the look on the criminal's face when he realizes he's been had!) As for the real poppy boxes, they'll be safe and sound in my apartment where no one can ever get to them.

It's the only way.

Top: Yet more thieving. Someone has stolen Harold Ballard's Stanley Cup ring. How dare they. Harold Ballard died in a war for us. Also: lottery?

Car ad: The perfect getaway car for an evening of burnin' and lootin'.

Summary: Sure poppies are beautiful, but you're not supposed to take the whole darn box. A little self-restraint, everybody.

** (out of 5)

3 November 2011

Front and centre: Look, everybody... a scum! This gentleman was caught on camera stealing a poppy box from a Pizza Nova on the Queensway. Pretty low, huh? What is this country coming to when our soldiers get disrespected in pizzerias? Doesn't this young thief know anything about Canadian military tradition? Why did our grandpas bother shooting Hitler if this is what they get in return?

You know, this disgraceful crime reminds me of John McRae's famous poem:

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

And a scum in a coat steals

The poppy box on the Pizza Nova counter

Right by the pepper flakes.

Shit. What a lowlife.

Try the Hawaiian slice

It's my favourite one, I think!

How did John McRae know all this would happen?

Top: Toronto's Leafs roughed up the New Jersey Devils' goalie Martin Brodeur last night, then defeated the Devils 5-3. Also: Friday's Lotto Max jackpot is $40 million. If I won that much money, I'd be, like,"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????"

Below: I'm in a bit of a bind, everybody. See, I'm head over heels for both of these goddesses in glasses, but I can only pop the question to one. To make things worse, if I don't do it tonight, their daddy's gonna kill me! Should I pick Cynthia, with her long-flowing blonde hair and interesting skin? Or Tamara, with her big hands and impressive DJ skills? Argh! Sometimes I hate being Michael Balazo.

Summary: "Officers are warning the public to be on the lookout for a suspicious man wearing more poppies than you would expect."

*** (out of 5)

2 November 2011

Front and centre: What better way to celebrate the miracle of Wednesday than by putting a dead woman with tax problems on the front page of the news? Here's what's up: this woman got caught up in a Revenue Canada mistake, passed away and now her son has to pay the interest on that mistake, even though it was Revenue Canada's fault. It's a classic story of bureaucracy gone mad, with a hint of the supernatural thrown in for good measure. And it's a SUN EXCLUSIVE. No other paper in the world will be reporting on this story today. For some reason, you can only read it in the SUN. So, get reading, because . . .

IT'S THE NEWS

Top: Today is a super sad day for Chinese smugglers. No, not because they've got a nasty case of the Beijing Blues, but because the RCMP has busted a Chinese smuggling ring, keeping false Chinese cigarettes and Chinese drugs off our streets. Sigh. If I see a Chinese smuggler today, do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna smuggle the guy some positive vibes. And do you know how I'm gonna do it? By giving that Chinese knucklehead a great big hug! Also: lottery.

Bottom: A pretty woman holds a glass of orange juice to her forehead. Must be breakfast time.

Summary: Today's cover is a major disappointment. They should have ran with a more exciting story. Something about, oh, I don't know... a dirty deacon? Ah, forget it.

* (out of 5)

1 November 2011

Front and centre: Please allow me to introduce Dr. Charles Smith, a former child forensic pathologist who worked at the Hospital for Sick Children. This guy used to perform autopsies on children, until people found out that--yikes!--he didn't really know how to do autopsies very well. In fact, he was the worst man in the autopsy biz! Thanks to his incompetence, a bunch of innocent people went to jail and his medical license was revoked. Anyway, Dr. Charles Smith is on the cover of the news today because, for some reason, he was invited to give a talk at a high school in Picton last Friday. (WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR SCHOOLS???) His talk was on the subject of "DNA," but it seems like a more fitting topic would have been "Screwing Up Autopsies For Your Whole Career." Know what I mean? Jeez. When I was in high school, all we had was a motivational speaker who played guitar with his feet and told us to follow our hearts. Times have changed, my friends!

Top: It's the Toronto Sun's 40th birthday today. To celebrate this milestone, the Sun has invited its original squad of Sunshine Girls (now in their 60s and early 70s) to pose again in a series of super sexy "Where Are They Now?" pictures. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is now offering Beers of the World. I don't know about this. Isn't Molson Ex good enough anymore? I liked the Arizona B-Bar & Grill back in the old rough and tumble days when it didn't cater to sophisticates and dandies from abroad.

Summary: "Who wants to hear a story about the silliest autopsy I ever did?"

** (out of 5)