20 September 2010

Front and centre: Hey, remember that time we all elected my slob uncle as Mayor of our World Class City? It was a golden time for Hogtown (until we walled it off and bombed it). A lot of people forget exactly what Ford achieved in office, so I'll remind you!

ROB FORD'S MAYORAL ACHIEVEMENTS

• Established the annual Fat Guy Convention, which contributes over $20 billion to Toronto's slob-economy
• Created thousands of high-paying jobs for guys who forget about getting arrested for drunk driving in Florida on Valentine's Day in the 1990s
• Lowered taxes for people who get drunk at hockey games and yell until they get forcibly removed from the hockey games
• Opened a state-of-the-art, sound-proof concentration camp for gay guys and drug addicts (built with breathtaking efficiency by Orientals, who work like dogs and are slowly taking over)
• Ate all the glucose within the city limits in one sitting
• Ate all the children within the city limits in one sitting
• Smeared his own excrement along the city's bike lanes to create so-called "brown nightmares" for cyclists
• Learned to be a better father to Bart and a better husband to Marge
• Gave the key to the city to his drinking buddies
• Suffered a record-breaking 69 heart attacks while in office because he actually had no idea what he was doing
• Increased municipal spending on condiments by 58%
• Changed Toronto's name to "Calgary II"
• Made Mel Lastman look like Pierre Trudeau on a particularly witty day

The man's record speaks for itself.

On top of the abomination: The Argonauts beat the Bluebombers 17-13. Also: poker continues to fascinate.

Beneath the abomination: Country Style would like you to eat a breakfast sandwich and win a trip to Historic England. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's shittiest time machine!

Summary: Barf.

***** (out of 5)

12 August 2010

Front and centre: Oh, Dear Jesus. Is this Rob Ford's "O face?" Did the Sun actually put a picture of an ejaculating Rob Ford on the cover? (I hear that when Rob Ford ejaculates he emanates a sickly green aura.) But let's not jump to conclusions here. Perhaps he's merely being tazed or he's lost in a reverie about submerging himself in a swimming pool full of poutine and pie? That face is a physiognomist's nightmare! I've never seen so much quivering pink flesh in one place—and I'm not forgetting about the time I accidentally walked in on all my aunts changing into their bathing suits.

Incidentally, Rob Ford is outraged that city council has awarded an untendered contract to a restaurant company called "Tuggs Inc." Tuggs, everybody.

To the left: Today there's a special 12-page special on Argos cheerleaders, which is a nice antidote to seeing Rob Ford's corpulent face, my friends! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is at $50 million. Whoever wins the money should use it to build a gigantic veil to cover Rob Ford. Let's just say we're going to need a lot of fabric!

Beneath: An electropop band has decided to go shopping for eyeglasses. They're called The Worrywarts and their debut single "Weak Eyes/Strong Hearts" will be released on the last day of winter.

Summary: I think it's fair to say that today's picture of Rob Ford was not photoshopped.

***** (out of 5)

6 August 2010

Front and centre: The Sun is having a wonderful time denouncing Homegrown, a play about one of the "Toronto 18." (For those who don't remember, the Toronto 18 were a group of boys that wanted to blow up downtown Toronto, storm Parliament Hill and, most hilariously, behead Stephen Harper.) The woman on today's cover is the daughter of a 9/11 victim, and she didn't much care for Homegrown. Hmmm . . . Now that that's out of the way, I'm dying to know what she thinks of Legally Blonde The Musical. That show totally HIT HOME with me. I even let them take a picture of me frowning for the cover of Who Cares? Magazine.

Above: John Tory, the losing-est politician who ever lost

Bottom:

Summary: The best part is that no one who reads the Sun has ever actually seen a play.

(out of 5)

4 August 2010

Front and centre: A dying Roy Orbison impersonator raises her arms in exasperation after finding herself tangled in a lethal web of reusable shopping bags. Today the Sun is taking no prisoners in its assault on the 5¢ plastic bag fee charged by Toronto supermarkets and drug stores. Where, exactly, are all those nickels going? According to the Sun's exposé, the cash is being divided equally between Gay-Eco-Communists and Big Business. It's enough to make you envy the dead Roy Orbison woman—for her there's no more pain. Why, I'll bet she's up in Rock 'n' Roll Heaven right now, jamming away with Jimi and Michael Jackson to a filthy groove.

Also: the lottery jackpot is $7 million.

The top: A new Leger Marketing poll finds that a lot of Canadians think marijuana should be decriminalized or legalized and taxed. A huge surprise in a country that bases its national identity on a common love of donuts.

Beneath: We'd all better buy some life insurance, what with all these bag deaths we're having.

Summary: Am I the only one who got a phenomenal boner from looking at the cover?

**** (out of 5)

23 July 2010

Front and centre: A man and his son were removed from a flight for watching 9/11 footage on an iPod moments before their plane took off. I guess it wasn't an amazing idea? And I assume that "Call it ... SCARE CANADA" was something the mischievous pilot said over the plane's PA system to calm frightened passengers.

Top: There has been a lot of talk about Mike Weir lately. Is he washed up? Is he not washed up? Has he washed himself thoroughly, with soap and water? Who will wash Mike Weir? Dinner is ready to be served and Mike Weir is positively filthy from a long day's golfing.

Also: With the $50 million lottery jackpot, we could wash Mike Weir so beautifully he won't live to talk about it.

Bottom: Right now, if you buy a thing, you'll pay the same price as a thing salesman!

Summary: An interesting fact: Scare Canada is a real airline unaffiliated with Air Canada that offers bone-chilling flights to over thirty horrifying destinations sixty times a day. Mostly in Alberta. Calgary, to be specific.

*** (out of 5)

22 July 2010

Front and centre:

Left: A Candian soldier who killed a wounded Taliban soldier

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

21 July 2010

Front and centre: Yesterday's cover explored the darker side of toilets, but today we have the story of Toffee, a blind and abandoned beagle who's been adopted by a couple from Bradford. Very nice; everyone loves dogs. Yet the conspiracy theorist in me can't help thinking that Toffee's adorable story is simply a smokescreen meant to distract us from the horrors of Timmins.

Top: More bad news from Afghanistan. Also: lottery tickets.

Bottom: There's an exciting sale on swimming pools right now. I hope our friend from Timmins doesn't find out. He's always putting food in kooky places and making me furious!

Summary: If a blind, homeless human had been found on the street, the Sun would have demanded the death penalty.

** (out of 5)