31 March 2010

Front and centre: Uh oh. Not funny. I went to the Oshawa high school in question, though. We put on a lot of musicals.

Top: A man convicted of racist attacks on Asian fishermen (a noble practice known as "nip tipping") has been released on bail. Surely "nip tipping" isn't one of "T.O.'s BEST SPORTS"? That mini-headline must just be there by coincidence . . . Either way, if there's any justice in the world, our racist friend won't win the tantalizing $3,500,000 lottery prize.

Bottom: "Hey, wanna buy a blue thing? I love you!"

Summary: The word MURDER is ever so large today, hey gang? In the future, Sun covers will be entirely text-based, featuring one word printed in 900 point size letters. MURDER. KILL. FUCK. DANG?

** (out of 5)

30 March 2010

Front and centre: "HEARTBREAK," shouts today's cover, like a belligerent yet melancholy shithead. And it's a sad story, too: a dog is dead because her owner couldn't afford a $1,600 treatment deposit. I don't want to discount the glory of pets (my family recently had to put down our wonderful cat), but maybe this isn't front page news in Canada's biggest city? Personally, I would be embarrassed to pose on the cover of any newspaper with a blown-up photograph of my dead cat (although I wouldn't say no to a centrefold spread in Modern Bereaved Pet Owner). In other news, Toronto has the worst commutes in the developed world.

Toppish left: $20,000,000? With that kind of cash we could make dogs live forever....

Top: TD Canada Trust wants to help you make ends meet. Maybe you should borrow some money and get your mind off things with a night out.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill seems to be the only reasonable place to party in the GTA these days. It's 5 minutes away from Pearson, has 55 HD screens with "all the sports" (even hurling?) and 4 party rooms with plenty of space for all your guests to kill themselves.

Summary: A disappointment. Anyone want to join me for 1/2 price garlic bread at the Arizona?

* (out of 5)

29 March 2010

Front and centre: Hey, what happened to all the crime? Relax! Toronto Fashion Week is here, so today we're giving illegal immigrants, stranglers and pedophiles the day off so we can all think about how to dress-to-impress. Feast your eyes on this sexy, young, one-handed model wearing a furry. (Which one is the Wild Thing? The babe or the wolf she killed?) In a perfect world, pedophiles would organize their own outrageous fashion show so the Sun could run a picture of chubby, bearded man with dead-eyes strutting down the catwalk. SICKOS STRUT STUFF AT PERV FASHION PARTY.

Toppish left: A modern-day giant and his diminutive wife have become Wealthmen.

Bottom: "Mother! Thank you for giving me a breakfast sandwich made with real cheddar cheese. Where are you taking me?"

Summary: A ho-hum cover if ever there was one. Apparently, yesterday's cover intimated something to the effect that murder was now legal, but I couldn't find it online. Onwards and upwards!

** (out of 5)

27 March 2010

Front and centre: A teenage murder case ends in mistrial. Not funny, except for the alliterated mmmms in the sub-headline. Must they?

Top centre: "Keep your doors locked," warns a tiny convicted rapist. That oughta scare EVERYONE. On a different note . . . what a bad rapist. This knucklehead is giving away the secrets of his trade, like a disgruntled magician who tells everyone how the Chinese Linking Rings trick works. Idiot!

Top right: Buy a lottery ticket, monsieur. Chances are you'll win!

Bottom: You lost the lottery, you poor piece of shit. Now how are you going to pay for that toilet you installed on the roof of your cottage?

Summary: Law and order has broken down. Teenage thugs murder with impunity. The streets are teeming with retarded rapists. On top of it all, you've got a roof-toilet that you'll never be able to afford. Stay indoors, near the window, with a gun.

*** (out of 5)

26 March 2010

Front and centre: The Sun doesn't hate all immigrants. Take the couple on today's cover: they're white, own a $321,000 townhouse and are "proud Oakville taxpayers." Heck, the husband even appears to like rockabilly. Yet this couple is being deported to England for failing to fill out a form correctly. The Sun then goes on to point out that an illegal Jamaican immigrant who killed a cop is being allowed to stay in Canada and enjoy our domestic rockabilly scene at the expense of taxpayers.

Top: The Sun is outraged that there is no doghouse; the Ontario Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is temporarily operating out of a "ritzy" hotel, like a bunch of Rufus Wainwrights. Beneath this, we are promised a glimpse at the grizzly details of Ontario's provincial debt, a.k.a. "7 Years of Red," which sounds like a fine title for a menstrual porn film.

Top right: If I won the $15,000,000 prize, I'd buy a new everything!

Bottom: The Fully Loaded Event is here. In the Judeo-Christian world, this means that spring is just around the corner.

Summary: A dull effort. The only interesting part of the cover is the deported man's sideburn and beard combination.

* (out of 5)

25 March 2010

Front and centre: Well, hello there! If it isn't notorious child-killer/sex offender Clifford Olson. Why is this old blast from the past on the cover when there's so much non-pedophile news to report? Because, thanks to an "investigation" by the Sun, federal prison inmates like Olson will no longer get old age pensions. Not the worst idea in the world, but did they need to include a pedophile on the cover? Technically, no, but a Toronto Sun cover without a pedophile is like a Tigerbeat without a Justin Bieber.

Top left: $15,000,000 is nothing to sneeze at.

Top right: A hockey man has a bar mitzvah?

Bottom: Hakim optical is offering a sweet deal. Do you think the bespectacled couple in the ad are dating or are they just friends?

Summary: There's a little something for everyone today: a forgotten child-killer, some hockey news, the tantalizing prospect of $15,000,000 and discount eye wear. This scattershot approach actually weakens the overall impact of the cover. I would have preferred the use of the word PERV or $icko in the main headline to counteract the relative banality of the other stories/advertisements.

*** (out of 5)