Boxing Day

Front and centre:

Dear the Taliban,

How's it hanging? My name is Michael Balazo and I am a citizen of Canada. Usually I don't care much for your policies or tactics (e.g. poisoning that school for girls . . . whaaa?) but I am willing to put my prejudices aside and work with you if I can in any way assist you in capturing Canadian hockey icon and fashionista Don Cherry.

Mr. Cherry, or "Grape," as he is informally known, is currently in your area of the world flirting with Canadian soldiers. Here is what I'd like you to do: spare the soldiers and abduct "Grape." Once you've captured "Grape" and shuttled him to your outhouse-like headquarters, please do whatever you want with him. Seriously. Feel free to get creative, too. If you feel like rocking him or socking him, by all means, go for it, my brothers! You might also wish to consider tugging on his cravat and ass torture.

I speak for my countrymen when I say it would be a pleasure to see "Grape" scared out of his mind in a grainy hostage video on Al Jazeera. Another thing to consider: capturing and torturing "Grape" can only help to rehabilitate your notoriously cruddy image.

Wishing you a rockin' 2011,
Michael Balazo

Top: Gulliver's Travels and poker competition.

Bottom: Buy car for the sweetheart.

Summary: The cover photo reminds me of the time my grandmother posed with some lifeguards.

**** (out of 5)

14 December 2010

Front and centre: Sheesh. Yesterday we had a bullied disabled kid and today we have the weeping relative of a murder victim. Who's in charge of the Sun's covers these days––my depressed Slovak grandmother? I don't think I'm alone here when I say that the people of Toronto could use some razzle dazzle! (Or at least some pizzazz.)

Not to take away from the tragedy of this story, but what video, exactly, is the Sun offering here? Is it a murder?

The top: The Sun is encouraging its esteemed readership to storm City Hall and cheer on Rob Ford as he attempts to "crush" the city's $60 car registration tax (and not die of a massive, inevitable heart attack). Oh, to be part of that glorious mob! Just imagine the mind-bending sounds and smells! Just thinking about it makes me feel like destroying my genitals, once and for all! Also: with $40 million I could buy a new set of high-end balls.

Bottom: Who is DJing at the Arizona B-Bar & Grill on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Whoever he is, he must be really good to get such a killer weekend.

Summary: Tomorrow's cover had better not be a picture of my grandmother sighing.

* (out of 5)

13 December 2010

Front and centre: Wow! I know one ten-year-old bully who feels like a gigantic huge piece of crap today! And rightfully so. It's despicable when a powerful, mean spirited boy (or tabloid newspaper) exploits someone weaker to compensate for overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. This bodes well for us, though: if the Sun has a disabled child on the cover today, tomorrow's cover will likely feature the Hottest Woman in the World kissing a banana or buying sausages or something. These things work in cycles, sort of like civilizations and the popularity of ska.

On top: A Swears Woman is disappointed that no one is fixing up her ramshackle house. Also: a tiny man has won $15 million. Should he use his newfound wealth to fix the swearing woman's house and hire a contract killer to assassinate the ten-year-old bully? In addition: 32 pages of sports for us to deal with.

Beneath the boy: This is an X-ray of Santa's colon.

Summary: OK.

** (out of 5)