28 January 2011

Front and centre: The Sun's crusade against TTC workers continues with this exposé of a bus driver who was texting while driving. This sounds like something a certain Ralph Kramden would have done on The Honeymooners. I can just picture him in front of the audience, texting his crazy friend Norton something funny like: "r u getting ur polio shot today? lol" It was a classic program!

The left: The world's #1 ranked pick up artist is visiting Toronto this weekend to teach men how to be more successful at doing intercourse on women. This is how the "article" by Mike Strobel begins:

Gone are the good old days when a fella could just whack a gal with his club and drag her to his cave.

Damn you, Gloria Steinem.

Gone are the days, indeed! This is one of the most heart-warming love letters to the golden age of rape I've ever read—and I'm not forgetting about Roman Polanski's adorable 1977 confession. I certainly wouldn't want to be Gloria Steinem right now. The mind boggles to imagine how she'd respond to this endearingly folksy plea for non-consensual sex. Hats off to you, Monsieur Strobel!

Oh, and if anyone can give me a lift to this super important workshop, let me know.

Also: Gone are the good old days when a fella could just pay for his dinosaur meat with stones and tiger skulls. Damn you, whoever-invented-money! And that's why we have lotteries.

At the bottom: One fail-safe way to get a woman to fall in love with your crotch is to run her over with your brand-new pickup truck. She'll be so impressed by your rad new wheels that she won't be able to not say yes!

Summary: "One of the days, Alice. One of the days." — Gleason

*** (out of 5)

26 January 2011

Front and centre: If today's cover were a coffee, it would be of the expensive, gourmet variety and you would whisper "I love you" into its mysterious, steamy brown essence as if praying to some sort of cool, new God. Today the Sun has given us a note-perfect blend of slobbering horniness (in the guise of grandmotherly outrage) mixed with an enthusiastic plea for (what else?) a return to capital punishment. It reminds me of the covers my favourite Taliban newspaper (The Taliban Gleaner) used to run with before it got blown up. (The Taliban Gleaner's crosswords were always a hoot, by the way. Nearly every answer was: IT-IS-FORBIDDEN-BROTHER.)

"T.O's A PIMP DADDY"

According to the Sun, Toronto is a modern-day Sodom or Gomorrah, teeming with out-of-control brothels, swingers' clubs, saunas, strip joints and escort services. Even the elevator at the C.N. Tower is full of glory holes.* So, the city wants to regulate all of this debauchery and get its hands on some of the sex-money at the same time. Sounds reasonable enough, until you hear how City Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti puts it:

"You are never going to get rid of people’s sexual drives. We can pretend that we will, but we are not.”

Uh... cool. Good to know that City Council has given up on its much-publicized Human Spaying and Neutering Project.

Top: A gentleman wearing a tuxedo(?) holds out a noose. Is he trying to hang the sexy young woman beneath him? No! He's simply voicing his support for the death penalty. And why shouldn't he? It seems that two-thirds of Canadians support a return to executions. Even, shockingly, Stephen Harper.

"I, personally, think there are times where capital punishment is appropriate,” Harper told the CBC last week. And I agree. For example, if the hypothetical Prime Minister of a hypothetical country were to make a habit of playing fun, image-softening rock concerts with Yo-Yo Ma and his Ottawa work buddies, he or she should be executed in the craziest possible way all night long.

Also: play the lottery.

Beneath: Let's cut the crap: everyone needs home appliances. Even massage parlour regulars and sharply-dressed fans of Old Testament-style justice.

Summary: Sex. Death. Dishwashers.

****** (out of 5)

* This is not true.

18 January 2010

Front and centre: Jesus! Today's cover looks like a poster for a Godzilla-type movie gone horribly, horribly wrong. I only hope that Rob Ford never figures out how to grow into an actual Japanese movie monster; just think of the trail of destruction, odours and hair he'd leave in his wake. Say what you will about Godzilla and Mothra, but at least they draw the line at destroying buildings and squishing the odd passerby. A Rob Ford of this size would produce enough methane gas in five minutes to end all life on earth—and in outer space—forever.

"Blindsided" is OK for an English movie poster slugline, but I prefer the one they used in Japan: "Tax-obsessed monster with red huge face cause great dishonour to Pan Am Games." The translation's a bit dodgy, but you get the idea.

Tippy Top: The Toronto Maple Leafs' senior vice-president Dave Nonis is asking fans to "chill out" while he reminds his team how to win at sports. Also: do you think I'm one of those people who would go crazy if I won the lottery? Send me your emails.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is just like being in the real Arizona, except the atmosphere is a tad less optimistic.

Summary: The only thing that can stop Japanese movie monster Rob Ford's rampage is a radioactively-enlarged Don Cherry. The only question you have to ask yourself is: do I really want to see two monsters suck each other off?

*** (out of 5)

5 January 2010

Front and centre: Today's cover, with an impressive one-two punch, deals a fatal blow to the institution of marriage and the concept of Jamaica.

Statistics show that fewer young people than ever are getting married these days. At the same time, only 26% of Canadians under 30 believe in Jamaica any more. If these trends continue, the idyllic Caribbean island, known for exporting rum and reggae, will disappear within the next 15 years, like a doomed, intensely homophobic Atlantis. Thousands of DJs will die.

It truly is a nightmare.

Top: Canada's junior hockey team faces off against Russia tonight in Buffalo. Did you know that the Goo Goo Dolls are from Buffalo? It's true. Imagine if the Goo Goo Dolls ran onto the ice during tonight's game and started rocking right on the ice? They would win the entire tournament! Also: today's Lotto 6/49 jackpot is $3,000,000.

Bottom: I could really use a new mattress.

Summary: I'm not one to judge, but I don't think our husband friend understands the idea of R&R.

*** (out of 5)

4 January 2010

Front and centre: In the olden days (or so I'm told), the phrase "Juniors spank Yanks" had nothing to do with hockey. "Spanking a Yank" was something wealthy Canadian teens did, and it involved sneaking across the American border in the dead of night and abusing yourself in the chilly winter air. The trick was to get back into Canada without getting arrested and shaming your family's name. I'm not sure what the Sun is getting at here, but these teens seem to have quite a rivalry going. There's even a crowd watching!

Please send me your emails.

The top: Life is both bitter and sweet: one minute you're a sad little girl with a broken leg, the next you're playing a fun game of poker and everyone's your buddy.

Bottom: If you bring a lady to the Arizona B-Bar & Grill on the weekend, she'll get a free diamond ring. Good deal, right? Not so fast. Can you guarantee that your sweetheart's rock didn't come from one of those crooked, brutal rebel groups in Sierra Leone or the Ivory Coast? Didn't think so. Aw, man . . . I'm so bummed thinking about human rights violations that I can't even enjoy my suicide wings—not to mention my pineapple milkshake.

Summary: I look forward to all the crimes and outrages to come in 2011.

** (out of 5)

3 January 2010

Front and centre:

Up above:

Beneath:

Summary:

(out of 5)