Toronto Sun Cover Reviews

The Law

2012-02-14T11:56:00.001-08:00

Hello men and women,

Last week, the Toronto Sun contacted me and asked me to take down this blog because, in their view, I had been illegally posting copyrighted images (Sun covers). I spread the word around and a lot of people who know things told me that the law is definitely on my side. I'd also like to point out that it took the Toronto Sun more than two years to contact me about this. Quick on the draw!

Anyway, Torontoist's Steve Fisher has written an article about my heartbreaking plight. Please give it a read!

Stay tuned and keep reaching for the stars,

Michael A. Balazo

16 November 2011

2011-11-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Look at this drug-addicted communist shouting at his meth dealer through a stolen bullhorn. (That's what's going on here, right?) Disgusting. Like me, the Sun hates this man, and hates how Superior Court Justice David Brown has ordered the city of Toronto to stop evicting people occupying St. James Park until he can determine whether doing so would violate their Charter rights. This is how they described the scene in St. James Park after the order came down:

"The mood was of smug jubilance among the occupiers in the park following the announcement of Brown's ruling."

Smug jubilance? Charter rights? It's like Trudeau's ghost has taken a big, stinky dump in Toronto's nicest park.

Top: The Leafs Hockey Team suffered a 3-2 shootout loss to the Phoenix Coyotes team. Also: sounds like the Leafs should give up on hockey and concentrate on winning this week's $30,000,000 Lotto 6/49 jackpot!

Bottom: Who is this Sunset Grill lady and why is she so happy? Don't tell me she's on crystal meth now! No wonder my eggs tasted so sketchy.

Summary: Awful. Why can't The Sun run more stories like this?

* (out of 5)

14 November 2011

2011-11-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Today's big headline manages to combine a deep-seated hatred of art with a humorous heart failure pun.* Toronto's ART FAILURE is Dawes Crossing, a $400,000 sculpture that will beautify(?) the corner of Dawes Road and Victoria Park Avenue. The Sun is upset that "taxpayers" are footing the bill for something as supergay as a sculpture and would prefer to see that money spent on something less supergay, like... daycare? Hold on a minute. Since when does the Sun care about daycare? Isn't daycare some sort of Soviet-style communist thingy that teaches kids to be lazy and drink juice instead of making them prove their worth in the marketplace? Down with the nanny state.

Top: Hey, Steve! (It's my friend Steve Scholtz.) I didn't know you were living in L.A. now. The clinical drug trials must have paid off. I went to L.A. once. Had a good time. While I was there I saw a gentleman get his head bashed against the hood of a car in front of Rodney Dangerfield's star on the Walk of Fame. Let's just say that the gentleman in question didn't get no respect! Also: the old Italian man has still won the lottery...

Bottom: So it's come to this. Country Style is selling oatmeal and Tim Hortons is selling espresso. Where's a scumbag supposed to get a shitty breakfast and a cup of hot mud these days?

Summary:

* (out of 5)

* Heart failure is a condition that hospitalizes 54,333 Canadians each year.

11 November 2011

2011-11-11T05:35:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: The Occupy Toronto protest is nearly a month old and Sun columnist Joe Warmington is losing his shit in the most hilarious way possible: by hysterically citing the number of city bylaw infractions the protesters are committing in St. James Park, like the worst grandma in the world. I don't want to alarm anybody, but flowers and fungus are possibly being injured. Unauthorized picnics are happening. Rumours have circulated that people are swearing and being irreverent. What is this... Mogadishu? How can one city handle so much chaos and anarchy??? I'm so upset that I nearly smashed my tea cup against the settee.

Warmington is particularly outraged by the presence of a native sacred fire in the park, warning that the protest "is starting to have a Caledonia feel to it." Nice. Way to stick it to those darn Indians for always causing trouble by standing up for their land rights and stuff. Fools!

Ticket away, Toronto. I'm pretty sure our soldiers didn't fight wars so that people could peacefully protest in public spaces.

Top: Lest we forget. Also: remember to buy your lotto MAX tickets.

Bottom: Win a Chevy Equinox and drive your sweetheart somewhere special for the weekend.

Summary: "Every great revolution begins with an unauthorized picnic. How's the bean salad?" -- Che Guevara & Gandhi

* (out of 5)

10 November 2011

2011-11-10T06:06:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: It's Remembrance Day Eve, everybody! Tonight's the night that Remembrance Man flies down our chimneys in his magic drone, has sex with a woman dressed up as Stephen Harper and shamelessly evokes the memory of dead soldiers to make the idea of spending billions of dollars on fighter jets, nuclear submarines and War of 1812 commemorations seem excellent. And then we feed him Oreos.

Thank you. And now... the cover, or whatever.

A pair of Canadian World War II veteran brothers are in an expensive pickle because an American insurance company is refusing to pay their $233,613.55 Ontario hospital bill. Yikes! You know what? I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think that these insurance companies? They might not be run by nice men. In fact, they might be run by dishonest gentlemen. Is that bad?

Top: Leafs goalie Jonas Gustavsson is having some trouble with his pipes. I've been there, buddy! Here's a tip for you: try eating more fruit. Cleans you right out. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Just a couple of ladies buying some glasses. Nothing to see here, you silly boys!

Summary: "Hey, you remember that TV miniseries called Band of Brothers? Well, I've got a crazy idea for a headline based on that show. The twist? It involves wordplay . . ."

* (out of 5)

9 November 2011

2011-11-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Take one look at today's cover and you can forget about having an ordinary old Wednesday! First of all, the newspaper is swearing at us. (When's the last time the Globe & Mail or Ian Hanomansing swore at you? "Tonight's top story: fuck you.") Secondly, if you examine the photograph in the centre of the page, you'll note that a mysterious figure appears to be offering a candy apple to a jack-o'-lantern--which is crazy! I mean, is this some sort of twisted satanic ritual? Should we all start praying to our God and getting our affairs in order?

But let's all take a deep breath. Before we do anything we regret, let's try and make sense of all this chaos and ass-swearing.

A man in Oshawa (where I spent my famous teen years) has been targeted by youths for not giving out candy on Halloween. (A little back-story: the former owners of this man's house were famous for giving out candy apples.) Well, the children of Oshawa were so angry about the lack of sticky apples in their pillow cases that they left a sternly-worded note in the man's mailbox, warning him not to skip Halloween next year. At the very least, the kids want chocolate bars. How presumptuous. You know what these kids remind me of? They remind me of CANDY ASSES.

What a scoop!

Left: A dignified, poppy-decorated Toronto Sun logo evokes the memory of all the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Except for the gay ones, I assume? Also: the Toronto Maple Leafs failed their hockey game last night and were defeated 5-1 by Florida's Panthers. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Eggs.

Summary: In my day, Oshawa children didn't write notes when they were angry--they expressed their displeasure by taking a dump on your doorstep, like men.

*** (out of 5)

8 November 2011

2011-11-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Did you know that Rob Ford wasn't a big fan of unions? I know! Holy shit--this man is just one jaw-dropping surprise after another. I can't believe it! Call me an insane guy, but I just assumed he was a big fat socialist. What are we going to learn next--he hates vegetables? He doesn't like soca music? He's not a big Atom Egoyan fan? I mean, really! How does he keep track of himself?

Anyway, Ford's administration wants city workers to give up the employment security clause that guarantees them "jobs for life." Once this happens, all city workers will be fired and their jobs will be contracted out to one astonishingly productive Jamaican nanny.

Top: A poppy of remembrance. Also: the Toronto Leafs are gearing up for a little bit of hockey. Also: 8 pages in sports? 8 pages of what? Also: $17 million.

Bottom: You mean I can watch Pacquiao vs. Marquez and eat the best steaks in town all in the same building near the airport? I feel like I've died and gone near the airport.

Summary: ♪

H (out of 5)

Guys. My friend Pat Thornton is doing 24 hours of stand-up comedy to raise money to fight AIDS in Africa. Check it out here, watch him live at the Comedy Bar, make a donation, send him a joke, do the thing.

7 November 2011

2011-11-07T05:32:00.001-08:00

Front and centre: Behold the glorious $1 billion Pan-Am athletes village. This is where more than 10,000 non-famous Pan American athletes will eat supper together during the 2015 Pan-Am games. Each building has been designed for a specific mouth-watering dish (e.g. the building on the far left is the Pizza Building, while that brownish one is for cookies and cakes and all sorts of silly stuff).

Congratulations, athletes... supper is almost ready!

Top: A sombre, bepoppied Toronto Sun logo gently directs the eye toward an angry stripper. The stripper is unhappy because Niagara Region (?) wants to start fingerprinting its strippers before giving them licenses. Strippers are against the idea, but authorities say the fingerprints will help them keep underage strippers out of the biz.

I don't know where I stand on this one. All I know is that looking at stripper fingerprints isn't nearly as sexy as looking at real strippers. Let me show you what I mean. Here are some fingerprints I took from my favourite dancers over the weekend:

(Kristy - semi-topless)

(Genie - sliding down a pole in a sexy fashion)

(Latitia - I dont think I have to explain what she's doing here!)

Do these seem sexy to you?

Also: An old Italian man has struck it rich. Could a nice, new pair of slacks be in his future?

Bottom: Country Style is selling all sorts of healthful goops these days.

Summary:

* (out of 5 of them)

4 November 2011

2011-11-04T05:22:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: It looks like we've got a poppy box-stealing epidemic on our hands, friends. Yesterday's big story was about a scum/lowlife who stole a poppy box from a Pizza Nova. Today the world woke up to learn that the disease has spread west to Hamilton, where a bandit has been snatching poppy boxes from Tim Hortons outlets.

First a Pizza Nova and now a Horto's? What's next: Manchu Wok? New York Fries? Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits? No fucking way. My uncles didn't fight the Nazis so that this type of thing could happen in restaurants. No wonder that war vet's widow is so down in the dumps.

So, how do we stop criminals from stealing all the poppy boxes? I think I have the perfect solution. Today I'm going to visit all the fast food places in the GTA and replace the real poppy boxes with decoys, each one of which will contain a brand new iPhone 4S. After a criminal strikes, I will call the iPhone and inform the piece of human filth that he is a first-class fool. (Just imagine the look on the criminal's face when he realizes he's been had!) As for the real poppy boxes, they'll be safe and sound in my apartment where no one can ever get to them.

It's the only way.

Top: Yet more thieving. Someone has stolen Harold Ballard's Stanley Cup ring. How dare they. Harold Ballard died in a war for us. Also: lottery?

Car ad: The perfect getaway car for an evening of burnin' and lootin'.

Summary: Sure poppies are beautiful, but you're not supposed to take the whole darn box. A little self-restraint, everybody.

** (out of 5)

3 November 2011

2011-11-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Look, everybody... a scum! This gentleman was caught on camera stealing a poppy box from a Pizza Nova on the Queensway. Pretty low, huh? What is this country coming to when our soldiers get disrespected in pizzerias? Doesn't this young thief know anything about Canadian military tradition? Why did our grandpas bother shooting Hitler if this is what they get in return?

You know, this disgraceful crime reminds me of John McRae's famous poem:

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

And a scum in a coat steals

The poppy box on the Pizza Nova counter

Right by the pepper flakes.

Shit. What a lowlife.

Try the Hawaiian slice

It's my favourite one, I think!

How did John McRae know all this would happen?

Top: Toronto's Leafs roughed up the New Jersey Devils' goalie Martin Brodeur last night, then defeated the Devils 5-3. Also: Friday's Lotto Max jackpot is $40 million. If I won that much money, I'd be, like,"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????"

Below: I'm in a bit of a bind, everybody. See, I'm head over heels for both of these goddesses in glasses, but I can only pop the question to one. To make things worse, if I don't do it tonight, their daddy's gonna kill me! Should I pick Cynthia, with her long-flowing blonde hair and interesting skin? Or Tamara, with her big hands and impressive DJ skills? Argh! Sometimes I hate being Michael Balazo.

Summary: "Officers are warning the public to be on the lookout for a suspicious man wearing more poppies than you would expect."

*** (out of 5)

2 November 2011

2011-11-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: What better way to celebrate the miracle of Wednesday than by putting a dead woman with tax problems on the front page of the news? Here's what's up: this woman got caught up in a Revenue Canada mistake, passed away and now her son has to pay the interest on that mistake, even though it was Revenue Canada's fault. It's a classic story of bureaucracy gone mad, with a hint of the supernatural thrown in for good measure. And it's a SUN EXCLUSIVE. No other paper in the world will be reporting on this story today. For some reason, you can only read it in the SUN. So, get reading, because . . .

IT'S THE NEWS

Top: Today is a super sad day for Chinese smugglers. No, not because they've got a nasty case of the Beijing Blues, but because the RCMP has busted a Chinese smuggling ring, keeping false Chinese cigarettes and Chinese drugs off our streets. Sigh. If I see a Chinese smuggler today, do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna smuggle the guy some positive vibes. And do you know how I'm gonna do it? By giving that Chinese knucklehead a great big hug! Also: lottery.

Bottom: A pretty woman holds a glass of orange juice to her forehead. Must be breakfast time.

Summary: Today's cover is a major disappointment. They should have ran with a more exciting story. Something about, oh, I don't know... a dirty deacon? Ah, forget it.

* (out of 5)

1 November 2011

2011-11-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Please allow me to introduce Dr. Charles Smith, a former child forensic pathologist who worked at the Hospital for Sick Children. This guy used to perform autopsies on children, until people found out that--yikes!--he didn't really know how to do autopsies very well. In fact, he was the worst man in the autopsy biz! Thanks to his incompetence, a bunch of innocent people went to jail and his medical license was revoked. Anyway, Dr. Charles Smith is on the cover of the news today because, for some reason, he was invited to give a talk at a high school in Picton last Friday. (WHAT IS GOING ON IN OUR SCHOOLS???) His talk was on the subject of "DNA," but it seems like a more fitting topic would have been "Screwing Up Autopsies For Your Whole Career." Know what I mean? Jeez. When I was in high school, all we had was a motivational speaker who played guitar with his feet and told us to follow our hearts. Times have changed, my friends!

Top: It's the Toronto Sun's 40th birthday today. To celebrate this milestone, the Sun has invited its original squad of Sunshine Girls (now in their 60s and early 70s) to pose again in a series of super sexy "Where Are They Now?" pictures. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is now offering Beers of the World. I don't know about this. Isn't Molson Ex good enough anymore? I liked the Arizona B-Bar & Grill back in the old rough and tumble days when it didn't cater to sophisticates and dandies from abroad.

Summary: "Who wants to hear a story about the silliest autopsy I ever did?"

** (out of 5)

Halloween of 2011

2011-10-31T05:52:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Today's top story comes from Canada's most terrifying area... Haaammmillllton. A mother and her twins are suicidal because the principal of their Catholic school has banned Halloween costumes. Why? "Safety and security" concerns and a fear that Halloween costumes will take away from instructional time. Instead, kids are encouraged to wear orange and black clothes. It's like something out of an Edgar Allan Poe story, it is.

And take a look at the mother's dejected face! Holy smokes. Where have I seen that expression before? She looks like she just found out that her family is to be slaughtered at dusk. I guess it's true what they say about Hamilton mothers: they're sad about Halloween changes!

This is just the kind of story the Sun loves: the tale of an overly-cautious public servant so drunk with politically correct power that she ruins the children's fun. Cue the indignant, anti-Muslim (?) and ghoulishly misspelled comments from Sun Readers:

Ron Aitken:

"Slowly but surely, everything we hold dear is fading into the past in the name of political correctness."

answell:

"If you parent`s let this leftwing pinko, pretending to be a principle,get away with this it will be your own fault. Remember,you are her BOSS and she is your SERVANT. You give her the honour of serving you in private property owned by the taxpayer. All of you parent`s,put her in her place which, who an employee, and send your children to school in their costume`s. Defy her to try and refuse them entry in to private property of the taxpayer which you parents are part owner`s. Teach this leftwing N.D.P. pinko lesson"

And, as a spectacularly incoherent grand finale:

IJustGotToBeMe:

"Fcuking muslims. Stupid teachers and principals. Stupid government. Islam is a disease. It is a cancer and should be eradicated. Hope allah chokes on a bacon sandwich. Thanks in advance for removing my post."

Well, then! How did we get here? Let me work it out using some old-fashioned Halloween math:

CATHOLIC SCHOOL + COSTUME BAN + HAMILTON = BLAME THE MUSLIMS?

I'll have to double-check my work there, but it seems accurate.

Top: The Buffalo Bills beat the Washington Redskins 23-0 at a football game held in Toronto's special dome. Also: an Italian man has become as rich as he wants!

Bottom: I suggest you head to Country Style for some yogurt smoothies, mixed berry parfaits and oatmeal pronto. You know . . . before the Muslims make us get rid of them.

Summary: Devil and hockey player.

*** (out of 5)

28 October 2011

2011-10-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: This story just keeps getting better. Rob Ford (the celebrated coach of the Don Bosco Eagles) has denied a CBC report claiming he called 911 dispatchers "bitches" and said “Don’t you fucking know? I’m Rob fucking Ford, the mayor of this city!” What he doesn't deny is that he was scared shitless to find Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. (Note: I've seen this character, and it scared my pants off.)

We all know that 911 is for emergencies. It's meant to save people from dying. This means that Rob Ford called 911 because he felt that his very life (and the life of his invisible daughter) was threatened by Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. So, here's the important question no one is asking in all of this: is Mary Walsh capable of murdering a father and his daughter in broad daylight?

Now, I don't know the woman personally, so I can't speak to that (though my gut says "yes"). All I know is that I share Rob Ford's Walsh phobia. Would I call 911 if I found Mary Walsh on my property? God yes. What you're forgetting is that I'm the kind of guy who calls 911 when Mary Walsh appears on my TV screen, or pops into my imagination unbidden. And this is because I associate the sight of Mary Walsh with the thought of my own death.

So, while I'm no fan of mayor Rob Ford, I can understand how petrified he was to find himself face to face with Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty.

Top: A surprised man (Sun Media CEO Pierre Karl Peladeau) is demanding the CBC reveal how it spends its annual budget. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Car?

Summary: Rob Ford is sporting that "exhausted Brian Dennehy" look today.

** (out of 5)

28 October 2011

2011-10-28T05:48:00.001-07:00

We all know that 911 is for emergencies. It's meant to save people from dying. This means that Rob Ford called 911 because he felt that his very life (and the life of his invisible daughter) was threatened by Gemini Award-winning actress Mary Walsh, who was standing in his driveway dressed up as her outrageous comedy character Marg Delahunty. So, here's the important question no one is asking in all of this: is Mary Walsh capable of murdering a father and his daughter in broad daylight?

Now, I don't know the woman personally, so I can't speak to that (though my gut says "yes"). All I know is that I share Rob Ford's Walsh phobia. Would I call 911 if I found Mary Walsh on my property? God, yes. What you're forgetting is that I'm the kind of guy who calls 911 when Mary Walsh appears on my TV screen, or pops into my imagination unbidden. And this is because I associate the sight of Mary Walsh with the thought of my own death.

Top: A surprised man (Sun Media CEO Pierre Karl Peladeau) is demanding the CBC reveal how it spends its annual budget. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Car, I guess.

Summary: Rob Ford is sporting that "exhausted Brian Dennehy" look today.

** (out of 5)

27 October 2011

2011-10-27T05:44:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: While everyone else is talking about Rob Ford swearing at 911 dispatchers, the Sun has taken the high road and gone with a more pressing story about... Hungarian gypsies? Yes. Hungarian gypsies--the single greatest threat to the Canadian way of life, as of right now. Did you know that up to 50 Hungarian gypsies file dubious refugee claims at Pearson every day? Entire families of Hungarian gypsies, from babies to grandmothers, are trying to sneak their way into Canada and take advantage of this country's generous paprika benefits. And you know who's next, once gypsies move in? Tramps and thieves.

Just to give you an idea of the scope of the Hungarian gypsy problem, here are some pictures I took today during my morning stroll through the downtown core:

(Queen and Spadina)

(The Annex)

(Bloor and Runnymede)

Is this the Toronto you know and love?

Left: KICK THE BUMS OUT. It's no surprise that Sun columnist Joe Warmington hates the Occupy Toronto protests. In today's column he rages at length against some Mohawk Warriors who have recently arrived at St. James Park and lit a bonfire. Note his use of quotes:

'And if a warm flame can burn there all winter because it's a "First Nations" sacred fire that no one will have the guts to extinguish, who knows if the city will ever get this disintegrating park back?'

Christ. First Toronto is overrun by Hungarian gypsies and now we have to be on the lookout for Mohawk Warriors setting everything ablaze?

Someone call 911!

Bottom: Pardon me, gorgeous pair of blonde goddesses. Are you positive you want new glasses? 'Cause the decline of this once proud nation is no sight for your pretty eyes. Trust me, ladies: there's nothing more terrifying than seeing a Hungarian gypsy's face in 20/20. In fact, I wish blindness upon you.

Summary: The Sun's story about Hungarian gypsies is "an exclusive."

**** (out of 5)

26 October 2011

2011-10-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: You know you've got a fantastic sporting event on your hands when you have to bribe athletes to show up. The dream is over, everybody. The only way we're getting anyone good to come to Toronto's 2015 Pan Am games is by playing MONEY GAMES (i.e. handing thick wads of cash to men in shorts). So sad. It reminds me of the time I hired a pretty girl to attend my 9th birthday party. Sure, it impressed my friends and increased my earning potential, but when the party ended and Janine asked for her wages, I felt like dying.

I don't want Toronto to feel like dying.

If giving Usain Bolt a briefcase full of money is the only way we can get him to run around Toronto, than I'd prefer if he stayed in Jamaica. I mean, what are the Pan Am games about, anyway? Are they about champagne, cash and exclusive bunga bunga parties where you can change partners as often as you like? No. The Pan Am games are about obscure athletes testing themselves in the face of vast public indifference. Why must we poison this noble tradition with money?

Top: Just like they did on Seinfeld, Toronto city council has voted 38-4 to ban the possession, sale and consumption of shark fin soup. Surprisingly, mayor Rob Ford voted against the ban, saying, "No one has told me what to eat over the years so I can't really go and start telling people what to eat."

Exactly!

Also: lottery.

Bottom: Now that I can't get shark fin soup anymore, going to the Sunset Grill for supper will be a little less fun.

Summary: Usain Bolt was the funniest guy on Seinfeld. Remember "The Contest" episode? Holy smokes!

* (out of 5)

25 October 2011

2011-10-25T07:47:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Yikes! What's going on with Rob Ford's face here? Why is he wearing that I've-been-creepin'-'round-the-bushes-outside-teacher's-house-and-I-left-him--nasty-surprise look? I want this man strip searched and jailed. On second thought... let's skip the strip search.

Last night city council voted 26-16 to privatize garbage collection west of Yonge Street, much to the chagrin of "lefty councillors." (You know, kooks?) Rob Ford is, of course, ecstatic about this. And the Sun chose to celebrate this ideological victory by photoshopping a picture of Rob Ford standing in front of a pile of garbage bags and grinning like a simpleton. Take that, unionized workers! The Mayor of Toronto, with a wave of his beautiful hand, has transformed you into trash!

Top: York region transit workers are on strike, effectively cutting off Richmond Hill and Markham from civilization. If anyone in York region can hear me, please shoot a flare. Also: lottery.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill's ads are increasingly looking like the to-do lists of an indecisive party animal with the shortest attention span in the world. So many, many choices!

Summary: Here's a fun game: take a good look at Rob Ford's face and make up a sound that matches his expression. Mine is a barely audible and breathy "aaeeeaee aeeaeee aeeea..."

**** (out of 5)

24 October 2011

2011-10-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Just in time for Halloween, the Sun is scaring our sock off with tales of municipal bureaucracy gone absolutely berserk. It seems that damage claims made to the city are being ignored and no one is getting compensated when potholes destroy their cars. It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

But it doesn't end at potholes. The woman pictured has a flooded basement thanks to faulty city pipes. No wonder she looks so fed up! No wonder she's gazing wistfully at Christ in Heaven. Maybe Christ will help her mop up her swampy basement, like some sort of supernatural janitor?

It's basically a Stephen King novel come to life.

Top: The spookiness continues. Michael Buble is "coming clean" with the publication of Onstage Offstage, a memoir that tells the inspiring story of how he found a way—against all odds—to entertain middle-aged women by singing like Frank Sinatra. It's sort of like 8 Mile, except with less rap battles and guns and more crooning of sweet nothings. The Sun' s interview with Buble touches on his apparently notorious temper (he's a puncher and a swearer). Buble explains his hotheadedness by quoting his grandfather's advice: "If there's sunshine I don't mind kissing someone's ass. But if they poop on my face, they're dead." Chilling. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Michael Buble's talk of "kissing asses" and "pooping on faces" has ruined my appetite for these beautiful muffins. Fuck you, Michael Buble. Thanks to your depraved scatological musings I'm going to be hungry all day.

Summary: I'm dressing up as a man with a wet basement for Halloween.

*** (out of 5)

21 October 2011

2011-10-21T06:52:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: This is clearly the big international news story today. All over the world, from Africa to Washington, people are talking about just one thing: a Toronto crack addict who let her kids get dirty—no, filthy. Why, the youngsters even had cocaine in their hair, which leads me to believe that this woman was not only a drug addict, but also a butterfingers. Thankfully, NATO intervened and this woman has been destroyed.

Top: Some guy passed away. Also: the Sun is angry at the CBC because "taxpayers" have no say in how it spends its $1.1 billion budget. Good point. When you think about it, the CBC is pretty alienating to the average Canadian, what with its complete lack of sports programming and its puzzling, avant garde comedies (watching an episode of the Ron James Show is a mind-frying experience akin to "flying on the ground"). It's wrong for the CBC to cater exclusively to weirdos and radicals. Give us some British soap operas, for fuck's sake! As taxpayers, we have the right to watch red-faced people dressed in rags drink beer for fifty years. Also: lottery.

Bottom: Buy a red thing! Or a black one.

Summary: Say what you will about Gadhafi, but he never spilled crack near the children.

** (out of 5)

20 October 2011

2011-10-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Well, with teeth like that, I wouldn't blame hell for showing this knucklehead the door. I mean, there is such a thing as too many lollipops, sir! Let's see how much laughing you'll do after gingivitis pulls a drive-by on your mouth.

But! Let's take a break from all this joking and tooth talk, 'cause this cover has all sorts of problems. This is an awful story, for sure. But defining a black guy charged with multiple murders as a "rapper" because he made one rap video will only further confuse Sun readers into thinking that all black people are rappers, and that all rappers are violent criminals. This kind of crazy worldview is almost enough to make you think that the Sun is put together by a bunch frightened, bigoted old men. Which clearly isn't the case.

And is rapping really this man's defining quality? We all do lots of things during our lives. Which one thing defines us? It's true that I played trombone in my high school's marching band. Yet, were I to be arrested for murder next week, I'd be shocked if the headlines read:

PROFESSIONAL TROMBONIST BUTCHERS SEVERAL

POLICE FEAR HE MAY BE SLOVAK

Top: A new report from this lady standing in front of a bouquet of microphones finds that the city's roads are full of potholes and our sewers are stanky. Also: the lottery continues to operate.

Bottom: Are these two blonde women friends, sisters or clones? Who cares, as long as they get a great deal on spectacles.

Summary: Gadzooks!

*** (out of 5)

19 October 2011

2011-10-19T06:24:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Today's top story involves captive animals, Spanish men and the no-holds-barred world of intergovernmental haggling. Basically, Toronto can't afford to run the zoo anymore. (All those lazy animals looking for handouts? Get a job, losers!) In September, city council issued a call for bidders interested in buying our gently-used zoo and Spanish company Parques Reunidos (the world's third-largest operator of leisure attractions) showed interest. Here's where the WILD IDEA comes into play: the zoo doesn't want to become part of the Parques Reunidos family, so it has asked Parks Canada to buy it. The only trouble is, Parks Canada? He don't wanna buy!

TIP OF THE DAY: The Spanish word for zebra is cebra.

Top: The Toronto Leafs are "takin' on the 'Peg." All those devil-may-care apostrophes can only mean one thing: whoever wrote this headline was completely relaxed. Also: 2 for 1 lottery.

Bottom: In Spain, breakfast is called el desayuno, and it's the smallest meal of the day.

Summary: Guh.

♫ (out of 5)

18 October 2011

2011-10-18T07:15:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Who is this glowing man in the space suit? Is he an actor or athlete? And what's all this "cult rape" stuff about?

The truth is, our spaceman friend is actually Jae-Gap Song, the creepy pastor at an awful-sounding Toronto Korean church. Song allegedly forced his followers to say they'd been gang raped 485 times by other members of the congregation to mask a sexual assault charge he was facing. And now those gang rape charges have been dropped. Confused? I am! Forgive me for saying so, but this story is enough to put me off Korean church for good. This is not what Korean church is supposed to be about, and you can quote me on that.

Top: The Colorado Avalanches beat the Toronto Leafs 3-2 in overtime last night. And, judging by the two sleepyheads pictured dozing on the ice, it must have been quite a strenuous game! Also: lottery.

Bottom: I think that the Arizona B-Bar & Grill needs to decide exactly what it is. Is it a pizza place? A Halloween restaurant? A dance club? A modeling agency? Because right now it looks like chaos. And that terrifies me.

Summary: Today's cover is the closest thing to a dadaist collage that the Sun has put out in a while.

*** (out of 5)

17 October 2011

2011-10-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Today's cover gave me quite a fright. My first reaction was: what is my ass tattoo doing on the front of the Toronto Sun??? Then, as I read on, I realized it was only a coincidence and that the image of the big dope leaf was related to a crime story. Basically, dope dealers are using courier companies like Purolator and FedEx to ship their dopes across Canada, right under the RCMP's noses. The Sun even included this picture, to illustrate how the dope dealers get away with it:

Now, I'm no dope dealer (thanks, mom!), but even I know that when you're shipping drugs, you don't put a big, conspicuous pot leaf on the side of the package. I mean, do you want to get caught??? And doesn't the RCMP know what that famous leaf symbol represents? As my mom would say, "For Pete's sake, it's enough to drive you to drink."

The left side: The Toronto Leafs are getting ready to play a game of hockey against the Colorado Avalanches.

Top right: A story about luck and determination.

Bottom: To me, these muffins are the real drugs. Maple walnut and pumpkin? I'm addicted! I'm gonna die with crumbs in my beard, OK?

Summary: Today's cover has a little something for everyone: dope, lottery tickets, a nice game of sports and two delicious muffins to give you energy for your busy day. It's definitely going in the spank bank.

** (out of 5)

14 October 2011

2011-10-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

Left: RICH MAN, DEAD MAN, you know? It's all the information you need to make an informed decision. The man in question is late businessman and philanthropist Glen Davis (pictured, through no choice of his own, in a hat and glasses beside the Sun logo that threatens to devour him). In 2007, Davis was murdered mysteriously and no one could figure out who did it, or why. Then, on Wednesday, Davis' godson confessed to hiring two Russian guys to kill Davis because he couldn't pay him back a $2.5 million loan.

What this really is, then, is a case of extreme ingratitude. Listen up, all you mixed-up godsons out there: when your godfather is generous enough to lend you $2.5 million, don't hire two Russian thugs to murder him in an underground parking lot. What's that about? Were you born in a barn? There's a much easier way to show your appreciation, and it's called . . . a thank you card. Yes, a thank you card. Little things like that go a long way, and they're way easier to clean up.

Jeez Louise.

Right: Today is the last day to enter the Dreams & Discoveries lottery. From what I understand, prizes include a small girl and a big truck? I'm not much of a gambler, you see!

Summary: Have a good weekend and never trust your godchildren.

* (out of 5)

13 October 2011

2011-10-13T05:40:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A depraved man peeps solemnly through the window of a massage parlour, his imagination running wild. What is going on in there? he wonders. Is it something sexy? Was that a butt I just saw jiggling??? Whoever's in there sure is creepy . . .

You'd be forgiven for thinking that the man peeping through the massage parlour window is some sort of voyeuristic deviant who should be arrested immediately. It's actually city councillor and moral guardian Giorgio Mammoliti, and he's got a handjob-sized bee in his bonnet. Toronto is considering issuing hundreds of new licenses to massage and body rub parlours, and Mammoliti feels this will lead to a prostitution boom in Toronto, turning us into a veritable PIMP CITY.

For a guy who hates illicit sex so much, Mammoliti sure spends a lot of time publicly obsessing over it. He may deplore the idea of a PIMP CITY, but he's the guy who tried to create an INTERCOURSE ISLAND. Sheesh, what a complicated fella!

So, how do we deal with this plague of back room HJs, BJs, RJs and, yes, JJs that are destroying Hogtown? Mammoliti style, of course! I propose that we station a frowning, prudish European man in front of each and every window in the GTA between the hours of 9 PM and 6 AM. Funny business won't stand a chance.

Top: Another excerpt from the new book about the life and times of successful hockey player and dream-loser Mike Danton. Also: there's a $12 million jackpot. That's enough money to buy everyone in Toronto a round of handjobs.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical couple has taken advantage of the 2 for 1 deal. With the money they've saved, they can now afford to put a motion detector outside their bedroom window. You know, to keep prowlers away.

Summary: This cover is giving me a full release.

*** (out of 5)

12 October 2011

2011-10-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: This is an important story for anyone who's ever suffered the indignity of losing a luggage tag in an airport. I think I speak for all of us when I ask: where are all of our tags? According to the Sun, our tags are being used by a network of criminals working at Pearson to smuggle drugs into Canada. Hmm. Don't they have drug-sniffing dogs in airports anymore? I guess the dogs are fooled by the tags, which means... the dogs can read?

HOLY SHIT.

Pearson has reading dogs on staff! Why isn't anyone talking about this?

Top: Humans and miracle dogs alike are invited to read an excerpt from a new book about Mike Danton, the hockey player who hired a hitman to kill his creepy agent. Do I smell a Governor General's award nomination? Also: If a miracle dog wins the lottery, who gets to keep the prize? If it were up to me, the dog would keep the whole thing.

Lower Portion: I once ordered breakfast at the Sunset Grill and the waitress insisted on putting my order on her Blackberry. Her Blackberry kept shutting down and I had to keep restating my order over and over again. "Scrambled eggs," I declared. "Scrambled eggs." This anecdote explains the downturn in RIMs' fortunes.

Summary: Confession: I thought today's cover was an ad for some sort of exciting theatrical re-release of the 1997 film Excess Baggage starring Alicia Silverstone and Benicio Del Toro. But it's not. It's about heroin suitcases in Toronto.

* (out of 5)

11 October 2011

2011-10-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: This is sad. A grieving mother waits for justice, years after her son's senseless killing at a party. Yikes.

Tippy Top: Yet more bad news. Some sort of awful car crash, presumably filmed by the Sun. (How did they know?) Also: how am I supposed to buy a lottery ticket when I'm so bummed out by all the negativity in the universe? I am down in the dumps for sure, everybody.

Bottom: HERE WE GO!!! The storm clouds have parted and I just found a lucky penny in me mouth! Got some time on your hands? Then why not forget your troubles and head down to the weirdly-named Arizona B-Bar & Grill to enter their big modelling contest? Take a look at the prize: "WE ARE LOOKING FOR MODELS TO WIN A CONTRACT IN MILAN ON THURSDAYS - 7 - 10 P.M."

No one can be blue in Milan--it's crawling with hunks and babes. Why, I can already picture myself wearing a bathing costume and licking at a gelato!

Summary: Justice's new album Audio, Video, Disco drops October 25.

** (out of 5)

7 October 2011

2011-10-07T10:17:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Hey, everybody! It's me again. Thank you.

So! It seems the Toronto Sun has chosen to celebrate Dalton McGuinty's Liberal minority win by hiring Venom's album cover designer to sprinkle some magic dust all over the darn place. A win-win situation, if ever there was one! What a phenomenal cover. Why, I can almost feel the lukewarm heat from those minority government flames on my cretinous Sun-reading face.

Let's navigate this cover together, shall we? I don't know about you, but I'm confused by the Sun's message. All I know is that it seems to involve theology and a strong belief in the afterlife. Let's decode it together, like the Hardy Boys after a few beers!

If the election of a Liberal minority government has magically transformed the province of Ontario into Hell (i.e. a place of eternal, fiery perdition ruled by the Antichrist), then what was Ontario up until yesterday, when the province was ruled by a majority Liberal government? Was Ontario some sort of terrifying "double Hell" all along without us knowing it? As a Christian and a tax payer, it better not have been. Because I don't want to live in a double Hell; I want to live in Ontario.

I admit the idea of double Hell is a bit far-fetched. So, if we weren't in double Hell, the only other place we could have been is . . . Heaven? Here's where things get intense. Fact: a minority Liberal government means that Dalton McGuinty now has less power than he did before. You'd think this would make his detractors happy, but the Sun has responded to a weakened McGuinty by declaring that now we are in Hell. So . . . does the Sun prefer a stronger McGuinty (i.e. Heaven)? Would the Sun have preferred a Liberal majority (double Heaven)? My brain is so mixed-up with theological hocus-pocus that I have to stop thinking for a few minutes and take a nice, relaxing Venom break.

Top Right: "All the riches in the world can't protect you from the horrors of Ontario. I'm from Sudbury." (Revelations 5:12)

Bottom: "Hello, this is the man who sells ads for GMC. I'm super jazzed about working with you folks at the Sun! All I ask is that you pretty-please don't associate our product with Hell or flames or the Devil or death and sin. See, we don't want people to think of death and Hell when they think of our fabulous GMC products. According to our latest demographics study, people don't want to drive a Hell car endorsed by Satan. So, we're cool? Cool. I'll take your word!"

Summary: Had Hudak won, the cover would have been a hologram of an ejaculating penis wearing a party hat.

(*****) out of 5

28 January 2011

2011-01-28T08:49:00.001-08:00

Front and centre: The Sun's crusade against TTC workers continues with this exposé of a bus driver who was texting while driving. This sounds like something a certain Ralph Kramden would have done on The Honeymooners. I can just picture him in front of the audience, texting his crazy friend Norton something funny like: "r u getting ur polio shot today? lol" It was a classic program!

The left: The world's #1 ranked pick up artist is visiting Toronto this weekend to teach men how to be more successful at doing intercourse on women. This is how the "article" by Mike Strobel begins:

Gone are the good old days when a fella could just whack a gal with his club and drag her to his cave.

Damn you, Gloria Steinem.

Gone are the days, indeed! This is one of the most heart-warming love letters to the golden age of rape I've ever read—and I'm not forgetting about Roman Polanski's adorable 1977 confession. I certainly wouldn't want to be Gloria Steinem right now. The mind boggles to imagine how she'd respond to this endearingly folksy plea for non-consensual sex. Hats off to you, Monsieur Strobel!

Oh, and if anyone can give me a lift to this super important workshop, let me know.

Also: Gone are the good old days when a fella could just pay for his dinosaur meat with stones and tiger skulls. Damn you, whoever-invented-money! And that's why we have lotteries.

At the bottom: One fail-safe way to get a woman to fall in love with your crotch is to run her over with your brand-new pickup truck. She'll be so impressed by your rad new wheels that she won't be able to not say yes!

Summary: "One of the days, Alice. One of the days." — Gleason

*** (out of 5)

26 January 2011

2011-01-26T08:00:00.001-08:00

Front and centre: If today's cover were a coffee, it would be of the expensive, gourmet variety and you would whisper "I love you" into its mysterious, steamy brown essence as if praying to some sort of cool, new God. Today the Sun has given us a note-perfect blend of slobbering horniness (in the guise of grandmotherly outrage) mixed with an enthusiastic plea for (what else?) a return to capital punishment. It reminds me of the covers my favourite Taliban newspaper (The Taliban Gleaner) used to run with before it got blown up. (The Taliban Gleaner's crosswords were always a hoot, by the way. Nearly every answer was: IT-IS-FORBIDDEN-BROTHER.)

"T.O's A PIMP DADDY"

According to the Sun, Toronto is a modern-day Sodom or Gomorrah, teeming with out-of-control brothels, swingers' clubs, saunas, strip joints and escort services. Even the elevator at the C.N. Tower is full of glory holes.* So, the city wants to regulate all of this debauchery and get its hands on some of the sex-money at the same time. Sounds reasonable enough, until you hear how City Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti puts it:

"You are never going to get rid of people’s sexual drives. We can pretend that we will, but we are not.”

Uh... cool. Good to know that City Council has given up on its much-publicized Human Spaying and Neutering Project.

Top: A gentleman wearing a tuxedo(?) holds out a noose. Is he trying to hang the sexy young woman beneath him? No! He's simply voicing his support for the death penalty. And why shouldn't he? It seems that two-thirds of Canadians support a return to executions. Even, shockingly, Stephen Harper.

"I, personally, think there are times where capital punishment is appropriate,” Harper told the CBC last week. And I agree. For example, if the hypothetical Prime Minister of a hypothetical country were to make a habit of playing fun, image-softening rock concerts with Yo-Yo Ma and his Ottawa work buddies, he or she should be executed in the craziest possible way all night long.

Also: play the lottery.

Beneath: Let's cut the crap: everyone needs home appliances. Even massage parlour regulars and sharply-dressed fans of Old Testament-style justice.

Summary: Sex. Death. Dishwashers.

****** (out of 5)

* This is not true.

18 January 2010

2011-01-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Jesus! Today's cover looks like a poster for a Godzilla-type movie gone horribly, horribly wrong. I only hope that Rob Ford never figures out how to grow into an actual Japanese movie monster; just think of the trail of destruction, odours and hair he'd leave in his wake. Say what you will about Godzilla and Mothra, but at least they draw the line at destroying buildings and squishing the odd passerby. A Rob Ford of this size would produce enough methane gas in five minutes to end all life on earth—and in outer space—forever.

"Blindsided" is OK for an English movie poster slugline, but I prefer the one they used in Japan: "Tax-obsessed monster with red huge face cause great dishonour to Pan Am Games." The translation's a bit dodgy, but you get the idea.

Tippy Top: The Toronto Maple Leafs' senior vice-president Dave Nonis is asking fans to "chill out" while he reminds his team how to win at sports. Also: do you think I'm one of those people who would go crazy if I won the lottery? Send me your emails.

Bottom: The Arizona B-Bar & Grill is just like being in the real Arizona, except the atmosphere is a tad less optimistic.

Summary: The only thing that can stop Japanese movie monster Rob Ford's rampage is a radioactively-enlarged Don Cherry. The only question you have to ask yourself is: do I really want to see two monsters suck each other off?

*** (out of 5)

5 January 2010

2011-01-05T06:05:00.001-08:00

Front and centre: Today's cover, with an impressive one-two punch, deals a fatal blow to the institution of marriage and the concept of Jamaica.

Statistics show that fewer young people than ever are getting married these days. At the same time, only 26% of Canadians under 30 believe in Jamaica any more. If these trends continue, the idyllic Caribbean island, known for exporting rum and reggae, will disappear within the next 15 years, like a doomed, intensely homophobic Atlantis. Thousands of DJs will die.

It truly is a nightmare.

Top: Canada's junior hockey team faces off against Russia tonight in Buffalo. Did you know that the Goo Goo Dolls are from Buffalo? It's true. Imagine if the Goo Goo Dolls ran onto the ice during tonight's game and started rocking right on the ice? They would win the entire tournament! Also: today's Lotto 6/49 jackpot is $3,000,000.

Bottom: I could really use a new mattress.

Summary: I'm not one to judge, but I don't think our husband friend understands the idea of R&R.

*** (out of 5)

4 January 2010

2011-01-04T06:12:00.001-08:00

Front and centre: In the olden days (or so I'm told), the phrase "Juniors spank Yanks" had nothing to do with hockey. "Spanking a Yank" was something wealthy Canadian teens did, and it involved sneaking across the American border in the dead of night and abusing yourself in the chilly winter air. The trick was to get back into Canada without getting arrested and shaming your family's name. I'm not sure what the Sun is getting at here, but these teens seem to have quite a rivalry going. There's even a crowd watching!

Please send me your emails.

The top: Life is both bitter and sweet: one minute you're a sad little girl with a broken leg, the next you're playing a fun game of poker and everyone's your buddy.

Bottom: If you bring a lady to the Arizona B-Bar & Grill on the weekend, she'll get a free diamond ring. Good deal, right? Not so fast. Can you guarantee that your sweetheart's rock didn't come from one of those crooked, brutal rebel groups in Sierra Leone or the Ivory Coast? Didn't think so. Aw, man . . . I'm so bummed thinking about human rights violations that I can't even enjoy my suicide wings—not to mention my pineapple milkshake.

Summary: I look forward to all the crimes and outrages to come in 2011.

** (out of 5)

3 January 2010

2011-01-03T06:43:00.001-08:00

Front and centre:

Up above:

Beneath:

Summary:

(out of 5)

Boxing Day

2010-12-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Front and centre:

Dear the Taliban,

How's it hanging? My name is Michael Balazo and I am a citizen of Canada. Usually I don't care much for your policies or tactics (e.g. poisoning that school for girls . . . whaaa?) but I am willing to put my prejudices aside and work with you if I can in any way assist you in capturing Canadian hockey icon and fashionista Don Cherry.

Mr. Cherry, or "Grape," as he is informally known, is currently in your area of the world flirting with Canadian soldiers. Here is what I'd like you to do: spare the soldiers and abduct "Grape." Once you've captured "Grape" and shuttled him to your outhouse-like headquarters, please do whatever you want with him. Seriously. Feel free to get creative, too. If you feel like rocking him or socking him, by all means, go for it, my brothers! You might also wish to consider tugging on his cravat and ass torture.

I speak for my countrymen when I say it would be a pleasure to see "Grape" scared out of his mind in a grainy hostage video on Al Jazeera. Another thing to consider: capturing and torturing "Grape" can only help to rehabilitate your notoriously cruddy image.

Wishing you a rockin' 2011,
Michael Balazo

Top: Gulliver's Travels and poker competition.

Bottom: Buy car for the sweetheart.

Summary: The cover photo reminds me of the time my grandmother posed with some lifeguards.

**** (out of 5)

14 December 2010

2010-12-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Sheesh. Yesterday we had a bullied disabled kid and today we have the weeping relative of a murder victim. Who's in charge of the Sun's covers these days––my depressed Slovak grandmother? I don't think I'm alone here when I say that the people of Toronto could use some razzle dazzle! (Or at least some pizzazz.)

Not to take away from the tragedy of this story, but what video, exactly, is the Sun offering here? Is it a murder?

The top: The Sun is encouraging its esteemed readership to storm City Hall and cheer on Rob Ford as he attempts to "crush" the city's $60 car registration tax (and not die of a massive, inevitable heart attack). Oh, to be part of that glorious mob! Just imagine the mind-bending sounds and smells! Just thinking about it makes me feel like destroying my genitals, once and for all! Also: with $40 million I could buy a new set of high-end balls.

Bottom: Who is DJing at the Arizona B-Bar & Grill on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? Whoever he is, he must be really good to get such a killer weekend.

Summary: Tomorrow's cover had better not be a picture of my grandmother sighing.

* (out of 5)

13 December 2010

2010-12-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

Front and centre: Wow! I know one ten-year-old bully who feels like a gigantic huge piece of crap today! And rightfully so. It's despicable when a powerful, mean spirited boy (or tabloid newspaper) exploits someone weaker to compensate for overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. This bodes well for us, though: if the Sun has a disabled child on the cover today, tomorrow's cover will likely feature the Hottest Woman in the World kissing a banana or buying sausages or something. These things work in cycles, sort of like civilizations and the popularity of ska.

On top: A Swears Woman is disappointed that no one is fixing up her ramshackle house. Also: a tiny man has won $15 million. Should he use his newfound wealth to fix the swearing woman's house and hire a contract killer to assassinate the ten-year-old bully? In addition: 32 pages of sports for us to deal with.

Beneath the boy: This is an X-ray of Santa's colon.

Summary: OK.

** (out of 5)

20 September 2010

2010-09-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Hey, remember that time we all elected my slob uncle as Mayor of our World Class City? It was a golden time for Hogtown (until we walled it off and bombed it). A lot of people forget exactly what Ford achieved in office, so I'll remind you!

ROB FORD'S MAYORAL ACHIEVEMENTS

Established the annual Fat Guy Convention, which contributes over $20 billion to Toronto's slob-economy
Created thousands of high-paying jobs for guys who forget about getting arrested for drunk driving in Florida on Valentine's Day in the 1990s
Lowered taxes for people who get drunk at hockey games and yell until they get forcibly removed from the hockey games
Opened a state-of-the-art, sound-proof concentration camp for gay guys and drug addicts (built with breathtaking efficiency by Orientals, who work like dogs and are slowly taking over)
Ate all the glucose within the city limits in one sitting
Ate all the children within the city limits in one sitting
Smeared his own excrement along the city's bike lanes to create so-called "brown nightmares" for cyclists
Learned to be a better father to Bart and a better husband to Marge
Gave the key to the city to his drinking buddies
Suffered a record-breaking 69 heart attacks while in office because he actually had no idea what he was doing
Increased municipal spending on condiments by 58%
Changed Toronto's name to "Calgary II"
Made Mel Lastman look like Pierre Trudeau on a particularly witty day

The man's record speaks for itself.

On top of the abomination: The Argonauts beat the Bluebombers 17-13. Also: poker continues to fascinate.

Beneath the abomination: Country Style would like you to eat a breakfast sandwich and win a trip to Historic England. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's shittiest time machine!

Summary: Barf.

***** (out of 5)

12 August 2010

2010-08-12T06:44:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Oh, Dear Jesus. Is this Rob Ford's "O face?" Did the Sun actually put a picture of an ejaculating Rob Ford on the cover? (I hear that when Rob Ford ejaculates he emanates a sickly green aura.) But let's not jump to conclusions here. Perhaps he's merely being tazed or he's lost in a reverie about submerging himself in a swimming pool full of poutine and pie? That face is a physiognomist's nightmare! I've never seen so much quivering pink flesh in one place—and I'm not forgetting about the time I accidentally walked in on all my aunts changing into their bathing suits.

Incidentally, Rob Ford is outraged that city council has awarded an untendered contract to a restaurant company called "Tuggs Inc." Tuggs, everybody.

To the left: Today there's a special 12-page special on Argos cheerleaders, which is a nice antidote to seeing Rob Ford's corpulent face, my friends! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is at $50 million. Whoever wins the money should use it to build a gigantic veil to cover Rob Ford. Let's just say we're going to need a lot of fabric!

Beneath: An electropop band has decided to go shopping for eyeglasses. They're called The Worrywarts and their debut single "Weak Eyes/Strong Hearts" will be released on the last day of winter.

Summary: I think it's fair to say that today's picture of Rob Ford was not photoshopped.

***** (out of 5)

6 August 2010

2010-08-06T09:22:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: The Sun is having a wonderful time denouncing Homegrown, a play about one of the "Toronto 18." (For those who don't remember, the Toronto 18 were a group of boys that wanted to blow up downtown Toronto, storm Parliament Hill and, most hilariously, behead Stephen Harper.) The woman on today's cover is the daughter of a 9/11 victim, and she didn't much care for Homegrown. Hmmm . . . Now that that's out of the way, I'm dying to know what she thinks of Legally Blonde The Musical. That show totally HIT HOME with me. I even let them take a picture of me frowning for the cover of Who Cares? Magazine.

Above: John Tory, the losing-est politician who ever lost

Bottom:

Summary: The best part is that no one who reads the Sun has ever actually seen a play.

(out of 5)

4 August 2010

2010-08-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A dying Roy Orbison impersonator raises her arms in exasperation after finding herself tangled in a lethal web of reusable shopping bags. Today the Sun is taking no prisoners in its assault on the 5¢ plastic bag fee charged by Toronto supermarkets and drug stores. Where, exactly, are all those nickels going? According to the Sun's exposé, the cash is being divided equally between Gay-Eco-Communists and Big Business. It's enough to make you envy the dead Roy Orbison woman—for her there's no more pain. Why, I'll bet she's up in Rock 'n' Roll Heaven right now, jamming away with Jimi and Michael Jackson to a filthy groove.

Also: the lottery jackpot is $7 million.

The top: A new Leger Marketing poll finds that a lot of Canadians think marijuana should be decriminalized or legalized and taxed. A huge surprise in a country that bases its national identity on a common love of donuts.

Beneath: We'd all better buy some life insurance, what with all these bag deaths we're having.

Summary: Am I the only one who got a phenomenal boner from looking at the cover?

**** (out of 5)

23 July 2010

2010-07-23T08:27:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: A man and his son were removed from a flight for watching 9/11 footage on an iPod moments before their plane took off. I guess it wasn't an amazing idea? And I assume that "Call it ... SCARE CANADA" was something the mischievous pilot said over the plane's PA system to calm frightened passengers.

Top: There has been a lot of talk about Mike Weir lately. Is he washed up? Is he not washed up? Has he washed himself thoroughly, with soap and water? Who will wash Mike Weir? Dinner is ready to be served and Mike Weir is positively filthy from a long day's golfing.

Also: With the $50 million lottery jackpot, we could wash Mike Weir so beautifully he won't live to talk about it.

Bottom: Right now, if you buy a thing, you'll pay the same price as a thing salesman!

Summary: An interesting fact: Scare Canada is a real airline unaffiliated with Air Canada that offers bone-chilling flights to over thirty horrifying destinations sixty times a day. Mostly in Alberta. Calgary, to be specific.

*** (out of 5)

22 July 2010

2010-07-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Front and centre:

Left: A Candian soldier who killed a wounded Taliban soldier

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

21 July 2010

2010-07-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Yesterday's cover explored the darker side of toilets, but today we have the story of Toffee, a blind and abandoned beagle who's been adopted by a couple from Bradford. Very nice; everyone loves dogs. Yet the conspiracy theorist in me can't help thinking that Toffee's adorable story is simply a smokescreen meant to distract us from the horrors of Timmins.

Top: More bad news from Afghanistan. Also: lottery tickets.

Bottom: There's an exciting sale on swimming pools right now. I hope our friend from Timmins doesn't find out. He's always putting food in kooky places and making me furious!

Summary: If a blind, homeless human had been found on the street, the Sun would have demanded the death penalty.

** (out of 5)

20 July 2010

2010-07-20T05:37:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: In today's news, a grown man holds his nose because of a poo smell in the run-down Kew Beach public washroom. Judging by the man's over-the-top clowning, the poo smell must be apocalyptic—I'm thinking Level 4 Burrito, Family Edition? The Sun actually dispatched a professional photographer to Kew Beach to take pictures of sad toilets (hey, even Annie Leibovitz had to start somewhere). Call me a septic skeptic, but I think our friend on the cover is trying to pass the buck. As the Bible says, "Whoever smelt it dealt it on Kew Beach."

Astonishingly, this is only one of two toilet-related stories in today's Sun.

Top: Ontario's Environment Minister John Gerretsen is going to scrap the controversial eco-fee program that was making everyone poo their pants. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is $50 million with $26 million in Maxmillions. With that kind of money, we could start a dedicated toilet-themed newspaper that focuses on the toilet stories you won't hear about in the Liberal media.

Bottom: You wanna see a pristine toilet? Do yourself a favour and head for the washrooms at the Arizona Bar & Grill. It's like shitting on a princess.

Summary: Aside from the poo smell, I also smell something else: a Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting!

**** (out of 5)

BONUS:

Today's Sun Reader Comment of the Day prize goes to someone named Welcome to the Socialist Paradise of Torontograd:

"If only the poor people would rise up and defeat their masters, we would have clean washrooms."

Gandhi couldn't have said it better himself.

19 July 2010

2010-07-19T05:34:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: The fluid is positively flying today as Honda Indy winner Will Power (left) and third-placer Ryan Hunter-Reay jizzblast champagne onto each others' bodies in the spirit of sportsmanship. Power is clearly enjoying the ejaculatory sensation, while Hunter-Reay seems alarmed, as if he's the victim of an unplanned orgasm. (He just needs a bit of practice, is all.)

Also: A voyeuristic lottery winner takes in all the action from his terrible perch in the top-right corner of the page. Lock him up and throw away the thing!

Beneath: Cool off with Summer Chill? How dare you tell me how to live my life. I'm going to cool down the way I always have: by sticking my feet in a tub of gelato.

Summary: Today's cover is the first in a proposed series of Sun covers featuring grown men splashing, squirting and drizzling on each other.

*** (out of 5)

16 July 2010

2010-07-16T05:39:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: It's been a while since the Sun put a sex offender on the cover, and I was beginning to fear we'd never have the chance to gaze safely into a Violent Pervert's eyes again. My fears were unfounded! Today's V.P. is the guy accused of assaulting a woman in a Scarborough cemetery earlier this week. He looks like Steve Nash after a year-long crystal meth binge, but I doubt he has any skills on the court! Have you seen Steve Nash in action, my friend? He doesn't waste his time skulking around cemeteries with an erection—he practices basketball, soft as a marshmallow. Anyway . . . it seems that the V.P. told his "pal" that he got up to no good in the cemetery. Oh, boys and their secrets!

Atop the pervert: The Honda Indy (a.k.a. The Roar by the Shore) is here until Sunday—no perverts allowed! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $50 million. Is it fair to say that rich people are dollar perverts?

Beneath the pervert: You say I can buy a truck at the employee rate? How dare you, sir. As if I would work for your ridiculous car company. Don't you know I have a degree in Casual Science?

Summary: I don't know why there are black lines running down the centre of the cover.

*** (out of 5)

15 July 2010

2010-07-15T07:09:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: At first glance I thought today's cover was about two old friends preparing to dismember a corpse (why is the hairy friend carrying a saw?). Then I thought it might be about a marijuana bust. Wrong and wrong. Our two friends in special suits are literally doing some weeding. Apparently, Toronto is under siege by something called giant hogweed, and if you touch its sap you can get burned, go blind or turn into a Fiberal. And, yes, the WEED WHACKERS article contains several phenomenal masturbation puns.

Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is $50 million.

Left of the men: Gentlemen, turn on the cars now! The Honda Indy is coming to town.

Bellow:

SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: At last we find ourselves alone.
FAKE HARRY POTTER: Ha ha. I'm not supposed to . . . spend time with you.
SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: Remove my sunglasses, boy.
FAKE HARRY POTTER: Umm . . . .
SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: DO IT.

Fake Harry Potter removes her sunglasses.

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Ach! That's disgusting. You've got . . . guy eyes!
SCANDINAVIAN ICE GODDESS: And you have the soul of a little girl.

Summary: I'm no Garden King, but I'm 99% sure that Hairy Friend isn't wearing his face mask correctly. He looks like a prototype for a muppet that Jim Henson never loved!

** (out of 5)

13 July 2010

2010-07-13T07:30:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Former Leafs captain Rob Ramage is going to jail for four years. So, what did he do that was so wrong? He's guilty of the "crime" of partying too hard in his car. He partied so hard in his car that his friend passed away and everyone got angry at him. Pathetic. This is just another sad example of Toronto's fun-hating, "live to work" culture.

Top: You're telling me I can meet my 2010 Toronto Argonauts today? But, I'm not ready! I haven't a thing to wear and the ice box is empty. Quick—go get some Italian pizza pies while I put on my football skirts! Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is at $50 million, which is the same amount most CFL players make each year.

Bottom: Things around the Arizona Bar & Grill have been awful quiet ever since the World Cup ended. Anyone mind if I busk? To break the silence? Fine, I get it. But next time you need to hear a bunch of Sublime covers don't come running to me, fuckfaces.

Summary: Rob Ramage used to be imprisoned by his moustache. Now he's imprisoned by a prison.

* (out of 5)

12 July 2010

2010-07-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Hundreds of Spanish noblemen (and their charming wives) expressed their joy over Spain's World Cup victory yesterday by shutting down College Street to perform a traditional Spanish dance atop a moving streetcar. Spanish legend says that whoever survives the long, arduous trip to the fabled Main Street Station is appointed Duke of Seville by His Majesty the King. This is a very powerful post, for whoever controls Seville's port controls Seville!

Amazingly, the police didn't fire tear gas at the crowd or smash anyone's faces with truncheons, signalling an alarming sea change in Toronto policing tactics.

On top: Angelina Jolie has celebrated Spain's World Cup win by acting in a new movie about salt. Also: a tiny man has won a $1 million lottery jackpot. Do they even make tuxedos that small?

Below: Broadening your horizons by eating Thai food at Country Style is like trying to learn a new language by watching foreign pornography: it's not satisfying and it might give you diarrhea all over my couch.

Summary: I'm disappointed that the Sun didn't use a better play on words for the headline here. Surely SPAIN REIGNS MAINLY IN THE GAME or CAFE CON CUCKOO! or WE ARE THE CHAMPIONTH! would have been more dynamic?

** (out of 5)

9 July 2010

2010-07-09T14:01:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Why is a middle-aged drag queen fondling his crotch on the front of my newspaper? Is he mentally ill or under the influence of beer? No. The he is actually a she, and she's touching herself because Toronto is hosting a Cougar Convention this weekend at Tattoo Rock Parlour. One lucky woman will be crowned Ms. Cougar Canada, win a trip to a Jamaican spa and a ticket aboard something called the International Cougar Cruise to the Bahamas. Very fun. It'll be just like a regular beauty pageant, except all the contestants' parents are dead.

On Top of This Woman: The Lotto Max jackpot is $43 million. If I win, I will buy myself the Ms. Cougar Canada crown, stage a coup and rule the nation as a brutal, gender-bending dictator.

Below This Woman: You know, a cougar's a lot like a yellow car: they're both shiny, they both need gas, and they both like having casual sex with younger men.

Summary: This weekend Toronto will be Cougar Town, which is a nice upgrade from our usual nickname, Scat Freak City.

**** (out of 5)

8 July 2010

2010-07-08T12:19:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Chris Bosh is packing up his basketball, shorts and jersey and moving to Miami to play for the Heat. Also: it's going to be Spain and the Netherlands in Sunday's World Cup final.

Top: Jimmy Carter has been picked as Canada's next Governor General, replacing Michaelle Jean and her wanker husband. Also:

Bottom:

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: Would you like to gaze into my pupils, young boy?

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Umm, I really shouldn't. I 'm supposed to meet some friends and hang out near a tree we love.

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: Gaze into my pupils and fuck your friends.

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Huh?

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: I'm taking my glasses off now.

FAKE HARRY POTTER: Wow. You've got really weird eyes.

WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES: I know. With my eyes and your hands we could be famous!

FAKE HARRY POTTER:

Summary:

(out of 5)

7 July 2010

2010-07-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Hooray! WANKER! WANKER! right beneath the Queen! What's happening here? Have Irish rebels seized control of the Toronto Sun and insulted the British Monarchy? Sadly, no. The wanker in question is not Her Majesty The Queen, but Jean-Daniel Lafond, the Governor General's "hubby." Lafond (a French Canadian Larry David lookalike) has caused a stir because he didn't want the Queen staying at Rideau Hall while she was in Ottawa last week. I sympathize with Lafond's reluctance to let the Queen sleep in his house: Ma'am doesn't do the dishes, she gives you bedbugs and she leaves a revolting trail of used condoms and lube spills around the house, as if she were Billy in a hellish Family Circus "dotted-line" comic strip. Who needs the headache? In the end, the Queen stayed at Rideau Hall anyway. The building is currently being fumigated and the floor is being replaced.

NOTE: Today's WANKER! story is an exclusive, as the banner in the upper right-hand corner makes clear. No other newspaper will be covering this WANKER! story today.

To the left of WANKER!: A Dutch prostitute wields a vuvuzela to celebrate the Netherlands' 3-2 victory over Uruguay yesterday. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $43 million. With money like that, you could take all the hookers in Holland on a date.

Beneath WANKER!: An ad for swimming pools. Speaking of swimming pools, you don't want to know what the Governor General and her husband found floating in their pool after the Queen used it. Propriety forbids me from going into too much detail, but I can at least confirm it was in the turd family....

Summary: This cover is so good you could eat off of it.

******* (out of 5)

8 July 2010

2010-07-06T07:57:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: A disappointed businessman with a moustache stares through a smashed window in the wake of the G20 summit. The summit was a disaster for local businesses because—believe it or not—the army of riot police guarding the downtown core made everyone afraid to buy dinner and shoes. Personally, I chose to wear plastic bags on my feet rather than face their wrath. Does that make me weird? I'm surprised the Sun didn't use a picture of a buxom woman standing on a burning ATM to make a humorous visual pun on the word "BU$T."

Top: Former Detroit Redwinger Bob Probert has died. He also appears to be laughing at the disappointed businessman below. Did Probert break the window? It's not for me to say, but he was known as a tough guy.... Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is $43 million. It's so hot outside that I don't even care about money anymore.

Bottom: Today, when you go to the Arizona Bar & Grill to watch the World Cup game, you may notice a man standing just beyond the boundaries of the patio, his body painted in the glorious colours of the flag of Uruguay. That man is me. And he's not allowed to sit on the patio because the "management" thinks he's "nude."

Summary: I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's always nice to see a moustache on the front of your newspaper.

** (out of 5)

5 July 2010

2010-07-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: The Queen of Scotland was in town over the weekend to go to church and watch a horse race with some old college buddies. Ma'am also found time to attend several Pride events, sparking more "is she or isn't she?" rumours. My sources tell me that Thin Lizzy was spotted stumbling around the free Cyndi Lauper concert on Saturday (bombed out of her mind on cider), before making a scandalous visit to the Beef Ball and buying a round of double-ended rubber fists for anyone lucky enough to be at the Priape when she burst through its hallowed doors. Call me old fashioned, but I love the Queen of Scotland!

On Top Of Her Majesty The Queen: For some reason, the Sun has framed this year's Gay Pride parade as a dress rehearsal for a Leafs Stanley Cup victory parade. Ridiculous. A genuine Leafs victory parade would feature far more sodomy.

Beneath Her Majesty The Queen: Eating a Thai chicken wrap at Country Style is just like visiting Thailand . . . if Thailand were full of fat white people on mobility scooters.

Summary: I am pleased to present a random sampling of Sun readers' comments on the topic of Gay Pride. (Note: I take no responsibility for the parade of spelling and grammatical atrocities you are about to witness.) Here we go:

"Is buggery not still a crime?"

"Our law enforcement officers were forced to endue and join this parade, dedicated to pagan ritual ,body worship, sexual depravity,ignorance,diabolical servitude, and abandonment of self worth. I have grave concerns about the permissiveness our city ,provincial, and federal governments have permitted over these past 50 years. Gratuitous living is not healthy."

"We celebrate buggery but can't muster the same effort to celebrate our contry. The priorities in Toronto have gone so far astray that they can't possibly be taken seriously any longer."

"What's worse are some people brought children to this event to see a bunch of people walking down the street naked. To me, that's a form of child abuse. They should be charged. The children will be scarred for life."

"Makes you really want to visit the Toronto cesspool. Maybe the Management of the Sky Dome or Rogers center (whatever you call it these days) could host a gay ball game. Looks like there is lots of degenerates in the city that would go watch it. Just think of the money they could make and utilize an otherwise empty stadium. The umpires would have to be the BUTCHES , Bats could be in the shape of you know anything these fags want to stick in their openings. Come on Toronto lets come up with some ideas for a gay baseball game."

Tremendous!

* (out of 5)

28 June 2010

2010-06-28T05:45:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Well, would you look at that! It's not every day that the cover of the Sun resembles a classic Dead Kennedys album cover. The Sun must have had a non-stop leaky boner over the weekend as life in Toronto became a li'l bit topsy-turvy and police arrested everyone in the city. I just wish that the Sun had created some sort of mini-site to document the G20 summit. Oh, wait: they did! And it's called torontosun.com/chaos which gives an indication of how eager they were for things to get 'nuff retarded.

Unsurprisingly, the Sun was indignant over the destruction of private property—especially when buxom women were effected:

"Starbucks, Swiss Chalet, American Apparel, Money Mart, all the major banks, TTC streetcars stalled by the protest, media vehicles, and the Zanzibar Tavern and its G-String Summit were all trashed."

Not in my name, Black Bloc!

Top: Now that Wind has struck out on his own and started a telecommunications company, I wonder what Earth and Fire will do with the rest of their lives? I certainly hope they continue playing funk! Also: a lottery winner holds up a thing.

The bottom: This may not have been the best day to put a car ad on the cover.

Summary: I hope Naomi Klein's next book explains the nefarious workings of the G-String Summit.

**** (out of 5)

UPDATE:

At this moment: The Sun is denouncing G20 protesters by quoting a line from Tom Petty's Into the Great Wide Open. Brutal sassing like this ought to make everyone think twice about exercising their democratic rights. I'm just glad the Sun didn't go completely nuts and call anyone a nincompoop or a ding-dong; I don't want anyone to get killed.

23 June 2010

2010-06-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Just looking at this man's shitface for a split second makes my penis retract so violently inside my body that it takes a team of surgeons—and a sorceress—to reach in and pull the darn thing out again. He'd better not steal my table at Sneaky Dee's while he's in town!

On the top: In a lot of ways, the Greek soccer team's story is as tragic as the downfall of Oedipus: the team had sex with its mother, killed its father and lost to Argentina yesterday at the World Cup. Just like Oedipus. Also: how come no one wants to win the $50 million Lotto Max jackpot? Does the jackpot smell funny? What's wrong with the jackpot?

On the bottom: Should I spend $135,000 to live in a condo in Collingwood? Certainly! Did I happen to mention that I'm retarded?

Summary: I wonder if Stephen Harper and Yo-Yo Ma will reunite to perform another duet during the G20 summit? If not, there will be riots in the streets.

* (out of 5)

22 June 2010

2010-06-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: HOT STUFF! Today's cover is for all the ladies out there with a fetish for exhausted bald men sleeping in boxes. I mean . . . YOWZA! I'd try this look myself, but I don't own a mailbag or elegant shorts. RING-A-DING-DING! Am I right, ladies?

The left: The World Cup continues in South Africa. Also: Too Many Cops Week is about to kick off in Toronto. I'm willing to be teargassed and have my nose broken as long as Argentina and Japan learn to put their differences aside and agree to be buddies again. Then: a tiny woman has won the lottery. Now she can afford to get as big as she wants.

The bottom: I wonder what's more violent: watching the World Cup at the Arizona Bar & Grill or watching it in South Africa?

Summary: If you look at the picture of the "postie" from the correct angle, you can totally see the penis happen.

**** (out of 5)

18 June 2010

2010-06-18T09:57:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: This is the guy who scared mayoral candidate Rob Ford so much that he promised to score him drugs. I don't blame Rob Ford for acting as he did: that blue bathrobe is terrifying. I hope Rob Ford is OK. I will give my life to protect Rob Ford.

Left: Mexico beat France 2-0 in yesterday's World Cup match. In an unrelated story, I chose to eat Mexican food over French food last night. So, in a way, my digestive system mirrors the World Cup. I even keep a vuvuzela beside the toilet so I can get into the spirit of things when I "score a goal." Also: I am willing to marry whoever wins the $50 million Lotto Max jackpot, provided they are 1) a total babe, 2) a drummer and 3) a van owner. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm looking for a girl with wheels to join my awful band. Or a guy.

The Bottom: The GMC Right Truck Event is here. Just like the Mayans predicted.

Summary: An interesting coincidence: I have the words I'M NO THREAT tattooed on the back of my neck. I understand that it makes young women feel safe.

** (out of 5)

17 June 2010

2010-06-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Is this a bust of Frankenstein? No, it's mayoral candidate and frequent snacker Rob Ford, and he's been caught on tape offering to buy an HIV positive man OxyContin. It's unclear if he was just humouring the man or if he was serious. Either way, the incident led to this amazing Ford quote:

“I don’t know any drug dealers ... I don’t even know what this shit — that what’s I call drugs — this shit is."

Based on that quote, I've come up with what I feel is a killer campaign slogan: "VOTE ROB FORD. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT IS."

Top: A soccer man celebrates life. Also: the Lotto Max jackpot is still $50 million. With that kind of dough Rob Ford could score enough shit for everyone in Toronto.

Bottom: I heard a rumour that the Scandinavian Ice Goddess and False Harry Potter were caught doing it in the washroom at Hakim Optical the other day. Old Man Hakim was so angry that he exiled them to LensCrafters. Not cool.

Summary: My Christ, look at Rob Ford's face! I've never seen so much pink flesh in my life, and I grew up on a pig farm full of pigs.

*** (out of 5)

16 June 2010

2010-06-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Culture shock, indeed! A father and son have been convicted of murdering their 16-year-old daughter/sister in a brutal honour killing. As cartoon characters go, they're not nearly as fun-loving as the ones in Blondie.

Top: Ooh. The Sun is planning to launch a Fox News-style national TV news network in 2011 to "shake up" Canadian news broadcasting. Finally, my handsome racist uncle has a chance to launch his journalism career. Godspeed, uncle Giorgio! Also: we all know that Lotto Max has a $50 million jackpot, but what can you tell me about Lotto Mel? As in, Brooks?

Bottom: Foot pain? Knee joint or back pain? Call this number and Mel Brooks will heal you with his ancient funny hands.

Summary: The judge is wearing an elegant pink tie.

*** (out of 5)

15 June 2010

2010-06-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Once again, the Sun is accusing outgoing city councillor Kyle Rae of ostentatiously wasting taxpayers' money like some sort of disdainful goateed King. So, what dirt do they have on old Greedy Guts this time? Like a hog eating from a trough, Rae is planning to gorge himself on a trip to the... International AIDS Conference in Vienna. AIDS Conference? More like "Lap of Luxury Conference!" Have you ever seen an AIDS conference? They're basically gourmet raves, except that instead of a bunch of people dancing, a bunch of virologists try to cure the worst plague of our time.

Shockingly, city councillor Rob Ford is against Rae's trip. According to the Sun, the obese, buzzcutted mayoral candidate "doesn’t believe Rae’s attendance at the conference will benefit the city one iota and bets the councillor will not come back with any sort of report to council on what he learned there."

So, there we have it: the fight to cure AIDS doesn't benefit the city one iota. Good to know.

Left: Dion Phaneuf is the new Leafs captain. Also: a model from Toronto is so F.I.N.E. that she made England's goalie lose his mind at the World Cup. Plus: if I had $50 million right now, I'd buy name-brand ice cream for the rest of my life.

Beneath: The patio is now open at the Arizona Bar & Grill. The best part: the outdoor bidet.

Summary: There'd better be some bikinis on tomorrow's cover.

** (out of 5)

14 June 2010

2010-06-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Today a pretty lady is upset and things are serious. The lady in question has been kicked out of the Miss Universe Canada competition for appearing naked in an Ashley Madison ad last year, contravening the pageant's "no nudity" rule. The rule clearly states that no one is allowed to know what Miss Universe Canada's genitals look like until after the competition, or else the Universe will implode and God will be bummed forever.

Left: Germany may have humiliated Australia in yesterday's soccer match, but Australia is still kicking Germany's ass in the Dame department. Also: I am glad this tiny woman won $5.8 million. She is basically as small as a pea.

Bottom: New at Country Style: a sandwich that suits every kind of depression.

Summary: I'd like this woman to appear naked in an ad for Country Style.

** (out of 5)

11 June 2010

2010-06-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A soccer fan goes absolutely bonkers as the World Cup kicks off in South Africa. So, how "cup crazy" am I? According to the team of psychiatrists and dentists in charge of my brain, my mind is on the verge of collapsing from acute Cup Craziness, the bizarre soccer-related mental illness that runs in my family. How does Cup Craziness work? Basically, if any team scores a goal, I will become nuts, stop bathing and have no choice but to begin a new career as a homicidal deviant with Superhuman strength ("reverse Superman with a boner" is how my medical staff describe it). Other celebrities suffering from Cup Craziness include legendary reggae producer Lee "Scratch" Perry and Liza Minnelli.

The top: An ageing satyr harasses a beauty queen in the name of journalism. Also: $50 million? It looks like this week's Lotto Max is the World Cup of Money! Go Slovakia!

The bottom: Great Deal Days are here, or whatever.

Summary: Party weekend! To quote the Black Eyed Peas, "Let's get retarded! Let's get retarded, my friends!"

** (out of 5)

10 June 2010

2010-06-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Unbelievable! Last night, the Chicago Blackhawks won their first Stanley Cup in 49 years. You heard it here first, everybody: the Curse of the Bambino is over!

On the right: The best part of today's 48-page World Cup preview is the Hooligan Horoscope. I'm an Aries, and according to these astrologists, my future holds a "massive shitkicking." Also: if I win the $50 million jackpot, I will buy myself a kitchen garbage can. I really need one.

On the bottom: A Ray Charles impersonator tries to seduce False Harry Potter. Don't give in, False Harry Potter! He'll just sell your glasses for heroin.

Summary: SCREAMING BEARD!

** (out of 5)

9 June 2010

2010-06-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: For the second day in a row, the Sun has excoriated Kyle Rae for throwing himself a retirement party paid for by TAXPAYERS (i.e. his impoverished Rosedale constituents). I am against this because it is the worst.

Top: In other news . . . let's all think of silly names for Stephen Harper's $2 million fake lake built especially for the G20 summit (which will cost an additional $1 billion in security)! This is an excellent, non-gay, use of tax dollars. Shame on Kyle Rae. Also: With a $50 million lottery win, we could build fake lakes all across Africa to improve women's health like crazy.

Bottom: Soccer clothes now.

Summary: If Kyle Rae has any sense of honour, he will drown himself in the fake lake and go to Hell (on his own dime).

** (out of 5)

8 June 2010

2010-06-08T07:10:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: The Sun is furious that a wealthy gay man dined at a fancy restaurant. How could this have happened in our city? I was brought up to believe that gay guys loved eating junk food at retirement parties and I'll be damned if city councillor Kyle Rae will destroy my Precious Reality.

Left: On the opposite end of the culinary spectrum, a woman has landed herself in hot water for serving her child an illegal meal of cocaine. And I thought I was a bad cook! Also: The Lotto Max jackpot is up to $50 million. If I win it, I'm taking Kyle Rae and all the gay guys in Toronto to Popeyes for the best gay meal of their gay lives.

Beneath all the things: I can't wait to see how many world leaders I run into at the Arizona Bar & Grill during the G20 summit!

Summary: I'm hungry.

** (out of 5)

7 June 2010

2010-06-07T07:52:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: A mysterious couple has bailed Larry David out of jail. Let's hope he can put this nasty episode behind him and get back to work on Curb!

Top: Chicago beat a team from Philadelphia 7-4 in last night's hockey game. Also: with $5.8 million, we could bail out the entire cast of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Down: On a hot day, there's nothing like dumping a nice, cold Summer Chill all over your body or the bodies of your friends.

Summary: Like squeezing blood from a shitty stone.

* (out of 5)

4 June 2010

2010-06-04T13:54:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Two old men are president and general manager of the Maple Leafs

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

3 June 2010

2010-06-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A man makes a halfhearted "ta-da!" gesture in front of a row dumpsters. Is this a promotional picture for an intriguing new Fringe show that's setting tongues a-wagging? No! This man is the executive director of the Greater Toronto Apartment Association, and he's happy that the city is reducing garbage collection rates for apartments and condos. Maybe he can hammer out a script over the next year for the 2011 Fringe? It can be called "Garbage Boys!" and it can use garbage collection as a metaphor for Glee.

Left: The Flyers beat the Blackhawks 4-3 last night. Also: if I win the $50 million jackpot, I'm going to go on the biggest Fringe Binge in history.

On the bottom: A Scandinavian Ice Queen tries to use discount glasses as a pretext for seducing False Harry Potter. Good luck, sister!

Summary: I've seen better Annex Gleaner covers.

* (out of 5)

2 June 2010

2010-06-02T05:07:00.001-07:00

Front and centre:

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

1 June 2010

2010-06-01T07:15:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: Oops! Someone accidentally published the lyrics to a Cannibal Corpse song on the cover of the newspaper. Also, I'm interested to know how most Sun readers will pronounce the word "macabre." Terrifying.

Top: Chicago's hockey team defeated the one from Philadelphia. Plus: With $50 million, we could build a Freezer Baby Dad for Freezer Baby Mom.

The bottom: My appetite is positively on fire.

Summary: Coincidentally, Freezer Baby Mom was the name of my band in high school.

***** (out of 5)

31 May 2010

2010-05-31T05:54:00.001-07:00

Vixens: A babe wielding a ball attacks her chesty colleague in the ocean. Fact: if you stare at this cover long enough THEY WILL MAKE OUT!

Left: A man with the worst breasts in history has won $1.8 million.

Beneath: It's going to take a boatload of Summer Chills to cool me off after getting an eyeful of these Aquatic Sex Champions!!!

Summary: Today is going to be Buxom with a fatal chance of Sexiness. The city's Boner Police certainly have their work cut out for them today.

***** (out of 5)

28 May 2010

2010-05-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A woman rewards her son with a hug after he kicked a would-be kidnapper in the nuts. Gee, where have I seen this before?

To the left: Paul Henderson's jersey from the 1972 Canada-Russia Summit Series is up for auction online, but he wants it to go to Canada's Sports Hall of Fame. It's a classic story of commerce vs. history; a story that inspired a Sun reader named "brad" to post the following comment, notable for its magical, illiterate combination of vitriol and goodwill:

"hey joe im tired of hendersons whining he wants it that bad never should have given it away suck it up and buy it back that bible thumper should shut the fuck up hes a girl hope he beats cancer though"

Read it again!

Beneath: GMC's Right Truck Event is back. This is your chance to find the truck of your dreams and marry him.

Summary: "hes a girl hope he beats cancer though" I'm sure Paul Henderson can feel those good vibes swearing their way toward him.

** (out of 5)

27 May 2010

2010-05-27T06:09:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: I think that today's cover would have been more successful if the the Sun had simply mentioned the dead mobster's race. Do you know what I mean? They never fail to mention race in other headlines (e.g. WHITE ATHLETE SCORES GOAL, BROWN MAN WINS ELECTION, etc.). Would it kill them to let us know what the guy in the barrel's eyes looked like?

The top: Former provincial Attorney General Michael Bryant goes for a topless jog to celebrate not being responsible for dragging a cyclist to death along Bloor Street. Also: with $40 million, I could look at Michael Bryant's pecs whenever I wanted. Plus: T.O's best sports.

Bottom: WHITE COUPLE IN EYE SEX SCANDAL

Summary: If I ever found a body in a barrel, I'd be, like, "Uh oh!"

**** (out of 5)

26 May 2010

2010-05-26T06:18:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Good news, friends! It's now perfectly legal to drag a cyclist through Yorkville and "shake him off" your car so you can get to the Park Hyatt in time for cocktails! Provided you used to be Ontario's Attorney General.

The top: A barrel containing a half-man/half-shark creature was found in Lake Ontario? Also: with $12 million we could drag and shake all the cyclists in the GTA to death. And: T.O.'s best sports.

Bottom: According to Honda's Theory of Reliability, a blue car's trunk is just big enough to hold a barrel with a man in it.

Summary:

From the Ontario Ministry of the Attorney General's website:

"The Attorney General is the chief law officer of the Executive Council. The responsibilities stemming from this role are unlike those of any other Cabinet member. The role has been referred to as 'judicial-like' and as the 'guardian of the public interest'."

Anyone care to join me in Yorkville for some Drag 'n' Shake?

**** (out of 5)

22 May 2010

2010-05-22T09:04:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A 12-year-old boy has been caught with a loaded gun. Despite this, the madness will still go ahead on May 25 and end precisely at the stroke of midnight. Trust me, you don't want the madness to go on past midnight or you're all messed up the next day, do you know what I mean?

Top: Chris Bosh might leave the Raptors for a city without the madness.

Summary: A 12-year-old with a gun is great and everything, but we're completely overlooking the latest news on Perv Santa.

*** (out of 5)

21 May 2010

2010-05-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Did you ever have to make up your mind between two newsmakers, both of whom you're deeply in love with? I admit it: my thumping heart is torn over our two astonishing bikini friends! Shall I marry the one on the left? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to share a demented laugh with the one on the right. Shall I marry the one on the right? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to spend the night with a woman who owns sunglasses. Oh, what's the use? The only way out of this news story is Death! So much for the long weekend.

On top of the temptresses: The Canadiens crushed Philadelphia. Also: $30 million is worthless compared to the love of two people in bikinis.

Beneath the temptresses: Another erotic image rubbed in our faces. Unbelievable.

Summary: Never before has a news item stoked the flames of lust that rage in the lower part of my body so violently—and I'm not forgetting all the times the Sun put Rob Ford on the cover. I need to cool myself down with a Yop.

Start it up.

***** (out of 5)

20 May 2010

2010-05-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A guy runs an ice cream truck near Old City Hall for 23 years, goes on a trip to Greece, and when he gets back the city tells him he has to leave his spot. This story raises a lot of ethical questions, but I'll now hand it over to a man named "Bill," who posted two magnificent comments beneath the article. His first comment reminds us of the perils of ice cream:

"I THINK THE DECISION IS A RIGHT ONE AND I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED. ICE CREAM IS FATTY AND LEADS TO OBESITY IN KIDS. STATISTICS HAVE SHOWN THAT WE HAVE AN OBESITY PROBLEM IN OUR COUNTRY AND EATING FATTY ICE CREAM DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION. FOR THE PROTECTION OF OUR CHILDREN AND OUR HEALTH I THINK WE ARE FORGETTING THE MORE BIGGER PICTURE ON THIS WHOLE FIASCO. BEFORE COMPLAINING THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND FEEL WHAT IS RGHT FOR THEM. OHIP BILLS ARE SKYROCKETING"

In Bill's second post, he outlines his shouty thoughts on Greece and the Greek people:

"IF THE GUY CAN AFFORD TO TAKE A BIG TRIP TO GREECE THEN HES NOT SO POOR. HE PROBABLY HAS A VILLA OVER THERE LIKE MOST GREEKS AND LIVES IN A BIG MANSION. I HAVENT GONE ON A TRIP IN OVER 25 YRS CAUSE I CANT AFFORD IT. THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE CAN AFFORD IT AND I BET THE GUY GOES EVERY YEAR TOO! SNOOZE YOU LOOSE I SAY. HE SHOULDNT HAVE GONE TO GREECE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHY WOULD HE GO ANYWAYS SINCE THEY WERE RIOTING OVER THERE. BOO HOO HOO, THE GUY WHO JUST SPENT $6000 GOING TO GREECE LOST HIS SPOT-GET REAL!"

Tremendous, Bill!

Top: A Toronto woman is missing in a triangle. Also: one day I will create an ice cream flavour that tastes like $30 million.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical woman appears to be flying solo again, yet she still has that forlorn look on her ultrasad face. I'm starting to think that maybe her ex-boyfriend wasn't the problem....

Summary: "THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE." Shooting fish in a barrel.

*** (out of 5)

19 May 2010

2010-05-19T04:52:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A talking dog protests the OSPCA's decision to euthanize his colleagues. In addition, the Sun has made a neutering joke and would like to cut off the OSPCA's "powerballs." To be clear, these balls are abstract and don't exist in nature.

The top: Philadelphia defeated Montreal last night during a little bit of hockey. Plus: with $30 million we could cut off every type of balls within 10 years.

Bottom: According to Honda's Theory of Reliability, a blue car can only be driven by a sad man.

Summary: Newsdog.

** (out of 5)

18 May 2010

2010-05-18T05:09:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: A confession: I can't really concentrate on this "statue without an arm" story. Apparently there's no money to glue his arm back on? Umm. Usually, I'd find out the details, but... a certain female football fan on the cover seems to have caught my eye and made my mind go nuts!

Left: HELLO, YOUNG GODDESS! A buxom woman owned by the Toronto Argonauts looks forward to touchdowns. If her arms ever fall off, I will personally raise the money to get her some new ones! Also: maybe if I win the $30 million jackpot she'll start returning my amorous faxes....

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill may have 55 HD screens, but none of them are ever tuned to Al Jazeera. I thought this place was supposed to be a news bar?

Summary: War Man vs. Babe Man.

* (out of 5)

17 May 2010

2010-05-17T05:25:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: The greatest sacrifice a young man can make is giving his life for his country. And when he does, the Toronto Sun will honour him by making an important connection between his death and one of the most beloved sitcoms of the 1980s.

Top: Philadelphia beat Montreal 6-0, Chicago beat San Jose 2-1, and it seems that Kim Mitchell and his wife have won the lottery. Congratulations, guys!

Bottom: Summer Chill is back. Now, if my wife would only follow suit, I'd really be in business!

Summary: I guess it could have been worse... they could have printed WHO'S THE BOSS? or ALF on the cover.

** (out of 5)

14 May 2010

2010-05-14T05:09:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: What the hell? I just threw up all over my nightgown. Is David Cronenberg the guest editor of today's cover? And what does he mean saying a "cop did this to me?" No police officer can give a man such a stomach-turning beard! Urgghhh....

(vomits on keyboard)

The top: Boston and Philadelphia are preparing their bodies for Game 7. Also: with $20 million we could buy the man on today's cover a nice hot towel shave from an old-timey barbershop. Make him look elegant.

Bottom: The GMC Right Truck Event is back. So, how can you tell if a truck is right for you? You'll know by the tingly feeling you get in your Tasmanian Devil jean jacket.

Summary: "Man says he has no idea what he did wrong." This fellow reminds me of myself. Today's cover is so gross!

***** (out of 5)

13 May 2010

2010-05-13T05:49:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A Toronto woman and her three brothers yell nicely at the Montreal Canadiens, who beat Pittsburgh 5-2 last night. Torontonians don't get Habs Fever very often because we tend to wear condoms when we eat smoked meat sandwiches. This may be changing.

In the top left: With $20 million dollars we could eradicate Habs Fever across the developing world.

Beneath: Unbelievable. After just one week of single life, the Hakim Optical woman is already back with you-know-who. Why? She felt sorry for him after his suicide attempt, when he swallowed a deadly cocktail of Fisherman's Friends and Sourpuss. Stay strong, sister.

Summary: Yelling men.

** (out of 5)

12 May 2010

2010-05-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: It's been such a long time since we've had a scum on the cover of the Sun that I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. I'm glad to say my fears were unfounded and that Toronto is teeming with all sorts of wonderful and innovative scums! So, who is this scum? I think it's fair to say that by his build, the shape of his head and the cut of his coat this scum's name is either J.J. or Thor. Maybe he thought the Princess Margaret Hospital was a Best Buy and was under the impression that Best Buy was offering a "free computer" deal?

Top: An adorable man with a shaggy face prepares to meet his maker. Also: with $3.5 million we could put down all the scum in the GTA.

Bottom: The Theory of Reliability claims that a blue car is always in motion and that the driver is always having the time of his life.

Summary: SCUM would have been enough. But SCUM plus SLAUGHTER? That's like making love to a beautiful women and eating a falafel at the same time. Can life get any better?

**** (out of 5)

10 May 2010

2010-05-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Did you know that the City of Toronto has a secret 25-page book containing the names of elite people who are exempt from paying parking tickets? I've seen the book and here are a few of the shocking names in it:

Moe Berg
Ron James (when he's rantin' and discombobulated)
Lloyd Robertson's son Moyd
Peter Mansbridge's son Moyd
The Dream Warriors
Erica Ehm
Steven and Chris
Steven and Chris' son Moyd†
Robert Munsch (during lunch. He takes his time. He eats a bunch.)
Mary Pickford

Top: The Canadiens beat Chicago 4-1, for the love of God. Also: the $20.6 million winners are back and they've got a revolting case of spring fever. I woke up this morning to find them nude and rude on my front lawn, for the love of God.

Bottom: If my nickname were Summer Chill, I'd be back. Please help me come back.

Summary: I took the weekend off, but nothing happened around the world.

* (out of 5)

† Moyd's paternity is unclear.

8 May 2010

2010-05-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Tod

Top:

Bottom:

Summary:

(out of 5)

7 May 2010

2010-05-07T06:29:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: I don't mind if my tax dollars pay for a man to dress up like a brown bear. I don't mind if they pay for a man to dress up like a polar bear. But if you expect me to sit back and keep my mouth shut while my tax dollars pay for a man to dress up like a penguin, I will slap your face and murder your body. We've got a penguin-lover at City Hall, folks. Time for some major change.

And judging by his size, I wouldn't be surprised if mayoral hopeful and AIDS activist Rob Ford consumed all 600 egg rolls himself in one Herculean session.

Topmost: Montreal beat Pittsburgh 3-2. Also: with $15 million, we could pay a balloon sculptor to make a gigantic Rob Ford balloon and use it to scare all the children out of the city.

Bottom:

Young Lover: Hey, baby. Wanna go for a ride in my big yellow car?
Beautiful Woman: I probably shouldn't....
Young Lover: Why you gotta be that way, sugar dump?
Beautiful Woman: Because... I'm betrothed to a man in a blue car.
Young Lover: I am fortune's fool.

Summary: This one's for all the furries out there.

**** (out of 5)

6 May 2010

2010-05-06T04:45:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: The saddest slide ride in the history of the world (and I'm not forgetting about the time Ian Curtis visited a funfair). This girl is supposedly a victim of racism? That's why we need the Sun to demand a better, more tolerant world in which people aren't persecuted because of the colour of their white skin.

The top: Boston beat Philadelphia 4-1. Also: with $15 million you could build yourself a slide like Insano in Brazil!

The bottom: Well, well, well! It seems like the Hakim Optical woman has finally dumped her deadbeat boyfriend and declared her independence. Congratulations, woman! And . . . if you ever feel lonely and need someone to talk to about glasses or lenses . . . over wine and cold cuts and some Savage Garden tunes . . . feel free to shoot me a Skype.

Summary: Insano.

**** (out of 5)

5 May 2010

2010-05-05T04:35:00.001-07:00

Front and centre: The Sun's war against the TTC has culminated in a furious text-based cover inspired by a classic spaghetti western. Ailing women, confused seniors on buses, dimly lit subway stations with dirty stairs—the TTC is exactly like Sergio Leone's 1966 epic. Remember that scene at the beginning, where Clint Eastwood's Man with No Name boards the Dufferin bus and gets his poncho caught in the door? Chilling.

Top: Patrick Roy's son, Jonathan, is releasing his second album, Found My Way. I have an advance copy, and this thing is clogged with hits. My personal favourites are the propulsive Son of a Goalie, the reggaeton-esque My Dad (Is A Famous Goalie & I Am His Son Now) and the erotic a cappella groove of Imagine (If Patrick Roy Was Your Father, Girls). Also: the Habs have been blanked. Plus: $3.5 million is a wonderful thing for a young woman just starting out in life.

Bottom: The blue car is back, talking gibberish about something called the Theory of Reliability. Yeah, like bluey knows anything about science. He's a creationist.

Summary: Did the Sun lose the memory stick with all the pictures of buses?

** (out of 5)

4 May 2010

2010-05-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: A wealthy fat man throws his possessions into the garbage. Rob Ford, mayoral candidate and Orientalist, is ecstatic that city councillors will no longer get free Metropasses, Toronto Zoo passes or tickets to the Sony Centre following a recent Canada Revenue Agency audit. Doesn't he look imposing, towering over the garbage can like some sort of intolerant Garbage Deity? Is the photographer in the garbage can? Are we? No more free ride, my friends! From now on, if Rob Ford wants to admire an elephant or a Liza Minnelli extravaganza he'll just have to pay admission like the rest of us commoners.

Top: Two lady war veterans share a laugh in Holland during a remembrance service. They are laughing because they know they are on top of a wealthy fat man throwing his possessions into the garbage. Also: $3.5 million will buy you tickets to as many Liza Minnelli concerts as you can stand. And: If throwing your possessions into the garbage were a sport, Rob Ford would be one of T.O.'s BEST athletes.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill has it all: a DJ, great food, UFC matches and the chance to win a "ladies diamond ring." It's like an orgasm you can walk around in.

Summary: The garbage can has a slimming effect on Rob Ford, wouldn't you say?

*** (out of 5)

3 May 2010

2010-05-03T07:01:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: It's always a good day when buses make front page news. And what a nice, big pair of buses we have today, my friend! I'd definitely like to ride them at night. Can you imagine sitting down inside one of them? Just travelling around, chatting with your fellow passengers, dreaming of a better world? It would be a filthy dream come true.

The Sun is angry that the TTC spent a bunch of money installing bike racks on buses. "I can't attach my car to a bus. Why should these Lance Armstrongs be allowed to attach their queer bikes?"

The top of it: Students from Uxbridge have travelled to Ypres, Belgium in red jackets to see where their relatives died in the World Wars. This is actually how the article about them begins:

"Yep, Ypres. Eeps. Yepper. Yipers. Wipers. Yeepers. Creepers."

And the Pulitzer goes to....

Also: it's the $20.6 Million Couple, a pair of cyborgs created by the military to be different sizes.

Bottom: "It's who we are... We're Bistrodeli." I can't believe that Country Style is using Nirvana lyrics in something as crass as an advertising campaign. For shame.

Summary: If you turn off all the lights, stare into the bathroom mirror and say the phrase "bus bust" ten times in a row, the editor of the Toronto Sun will appear in the mirror and denounce you.

*** (out of 5)

1 May 2010

2010-05-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: To follow the Sun's logic here, Toronto is Hell and the Gardiner is the highway that leads us into its completely filthy bowels. I guess that makes all of us demons? No wonder we never see God rollerblading down Queen Street anymore!

Top: The Habs lost 6-3 to Pittsburgh and a Russian fellow was injured on the ice. Also: anyone who studies numerology knows that $4 million is the balance of the Devil's bank account.

Bottom: Install a pool in your home. Pools come in handy during Satanic rituals because they hold so many dead souls. Plus, there's free installation right now.

Summary: Today is the first in a series of Sun covers based on popular AC/DC songs. Other covers in the series will include You Shook Me All Night Long, For Those About To Rock We Salute You and my personal favourite, Big Balls.

** (out of 5)

30 & 29th April

2010-04-30T04:56:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Accused murderer, sex criminal and underwear aficionado Col. Russell Williams (of the army) gazes up at his own forgiveness before lighting up an ear-cigarette beside the Canadian flag. To sign up for the army, click here.

Top: I wish the Sun did more stories on the Harlem Globetrotters and stopped teasing us with stories about TTC spending. To sign up for the Harlem Globetrotters, click here. Also: With $10 million, you could buy this!

Bottom: You know who'd look great in a yellow car? Acclaimed dancehall reggae performer Yellowman. To sign up for Yellowman, click here.

Summary: Friday pervert, everybody.

*** (out of 5)

Front and centre: Steve O’Brien, chairman of the TTC's Customer Service Advisory Panel, interacts with what can only be described as an old woman. The Sun is furious that he owns a car with an unorthodox roof. In this picture, O'Brien is breaking the news about his wild roof to the old woman. What you don't see is her reaction, when she loses control of her body and mind.

The left: A hockey man punches his invisible tormentor. Also: with $10 million, you could give one dollar to every person on the planet and still have tons of money left over for investing/partying.

Bottom: The Hakim Optical couple may have perfect eyesight, but what they really need are Love Glasses for their blind hearts. I just want to scream into their faces about love!

Summary: I'd enjoy seeing a classic farce put on by TTC employees. Noises Off, for instance.

** (out of 5)

28 April 2010

2010-04-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: "You know how everyone's always running around saying the phrase 'What the fuck?' Well, I want to do a silly parody of that phrase. And get this: I want it on the cover of my newspaper. Do any of you know anything about chickens?"

Up on the top: A cool person smokes a cigarette. No law against that, is there? There will be if city councillor Paula Fletcher's proposal to ban smoking on Toronto's athletic fields goes through. What will become of the city's Cigar Frisbee league? Also: a novella about sports. And a lottery competition.

Beneath: ♫ Blue car, you saw me standing alone/ without a car in my heart/ without a car that was blue ♫

Summary: News cock.

**** (out of 5)

27 April 2010

2010-04-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: The Sun's crusade against bumbling has reached fever pitch today with the announcement that Toronto is not a first-class city. Feel the Sun's wrath! I haven't felt this ashamed since my senile grandfather told me I was a failure at spitting (I wasn't, by the way). Sure, Toronto has no Topless Colosseum, public perv floggings or Electrified Immigrant Cage, but we do have a lot of worthwhile attractions, like Historic Fort York and parts of Jarvis Street.

On the top: Jaroslav Halak is Slovak, just like my grandmother. But unlike my grandmother, he received a standing ovation last night in Montreal for almost achieving a shutout and helping force a seventh game between the Canadiens and the Capitals. So, that's Halak 1, Granny 0. Also: if I win the $3.5 million jackpot I'm totally setting up Halak with my grandmother for a Slovak date they'll never forget.

Bottom: The Arizona Bar & Grill has no Slovak delicacies on its menu. Why bother?

Summary: Second rate cover, my friends!

** (out of 5)

26 April 2010

2010-04-26T04:23:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Today's cover should put to bed any question over whether the Sun is controlled by the liberal Sikh-run media. Could they try to make it more obvious? Not a day goes by that the Sun isn't ramming the teachings of the ten gurus down our throats or self-righteously reminding us to steel ourselves against the Five Evils. We get it, guys. Anyway... if anyone knows of a tabloid newspaper that speaks on behalf of white Christian slobs, please let me know.

Top Right: A Sikh couple has won $20.6 million in the lottery. Coincidence?

Under: Everyone thinks it's cute when a child kisses her mother while enjoying a meal at Country Style, but when I try it with strangers I'm "arrested."

Summary: Happy Khalsa!

*** (out of 5)

25 April 2010

2010-04-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: Today the Sun has humiliated Premier Dalton McGuinty by portraying him as the most hated cartoon character in Western Civilization, the injured sex bee. This follows McGuinty's introduction and hasty retraction of a new sexual education curriculum that would have taught children about the existence of genitals (and gay guys) at a slightly younger age. It would have, but religious people got such big fear-boners and made such an unsexy stink that the curriculum was shelved. On the bright side, for a brief moment we got to hear pastors and imams talk indignantly about anal intercourse and vaginal lubrication, which was a hilarious gift from God. My question: how did the cartoon sex bee get so terribly injured? Was he pelted with bibles and rocks? Or are we dealing with an intercourse-related accident? And why does he have an attaché case with the name of his job written on it? Unrealistic.

Top: The Senators are over and out, good buddies. Also: the $20.6 million winning couple is back for what seems like the 50th time. They may be rich, but they haven't changed their fancy clothes in weeks. Someone open a window in this mansion!

Bottom: "In my day, we learned about sex in the back of a blue car. May I show you an example or two?" -- Perverted Car Salesman

Summary: I'm intrigued by the Sun's decision to draw Dalton McGuinty as a bee instead of a bird. There definitely was a discussion about that....

*** (out of 5)

24 April 2010

2010-04-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

Front and centre: The Sun is making it impossible for me to do my "job" today!

Top: Is that Henry Rollins and former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien singing an unlikely (yet amazing) duet? No! It's the swearing athletes Tie Domi and John McEnroe, and they're joining forces to play celebrity tennis and raise money for youth sports programs in Africa. So... things are looking up, Africa! Also: with $4 million, we could buy enough tennis rackets and riding lessons for all the children in Darfur.

The Bottom: How did this unfamous cartoon character get into so much debt? He can't keep his damn hands out of his pockets. Unemployable.

Summary: Let's try this again tomorrow.

** (out of 5)